very rocky relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
very rocky relationship
3
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 8:42pm

First time poster, but very in need of advice. I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for over 2 and 1/2 years (since we were 17)and best friends since we were 14. He is the love of my life. But this summer was terrible for us. In July, he suddenly got very confused about us, and broke up with me, telling me that he needed space. I begged for him back, and we were together again for a month. He then broke up with me late August and told me that he was not in love with me, and his feelings had changed. We were apart for 2 weeks before HE came begging for ME back, telling me that he was still in love with me and missed me so much. I took him back. This was a week ago, and I could not be more depressed and confused. 2 days ago, he told me that he still liked other girls, and that he does not feel the same way about me still. He also said he doesn't deserve me and he wanted me to break up with him because he could never break up with me because he wants to be with me too much and not lose me. I love this man very much, but our relationship is not the same. He rarely surprises me, and tends to choose partying and his friends over me. This is not the same person I fell in love with, and I am so unsure as to what happened just 2 months ago. I know he is confused... he still tells me that I am the one that he wants to marry, but that he does not know if he can change who he is or how he is feeling. I am giving up hope on this relationship and this man that I love, and do not know what I should do... any advice would be so helpful. Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:13am
Okay, this advice is going to be very hard for you to take. I am 29, so I am looking back from more experience than you have had. You and your boyfriend started dating when you were both very young and you are both still very young. It sounds to me like he needs to grow and experience things before settling down. Perhaps you are both meant for each other. But it is absolutely essential that both of you experience other people and other things before making any lifelong committments.
So my advice is to let him go. Tell him that you love him, but you think he needs to figure himself out before you can be with him again. Break up with him in as nice and friendly a way as you can. Do not call him. Do not follow him. Do not ask your girlfriends to keep tabs on him. Let him be on his own. And try to enjoy your own freedom. Look at other men and enjoy your friends. If things are meant to be, he will eventually come back to you. And by that point, you will both be ready for a real, mature relationship because you will have made a definite choice to be with each other rather than clinging to each other solely because it is what is familiar and known. And by eventually, I mean months at least. If he comes back within a few weeks, tell him to go away.
My final piece of advice, which I give every single woman I speak to, is to read He's Just Not that Into You. If you don't want to read the whole book, there's also an abridgement. Sort of a daily devotional for the single girl. Trust me. It'll change your life.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:27am
I totally agree with the previous poster. It will be hard for you especially since you know what you want but you have to try and be strong and let it all fall into place. The best advise that I can give you is to try and be strong and trust in your relationship...that it was real. Only time will tell....best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:23pm
I am in about the same position as you are. You are madly in love with your boyfriend, who sometimes loves you and sometimes doesn't. He would rather go out with friends, then spend time with you. Believe me, I know how you feel! Everyone always says "get out before it's too late.. you are just gonna get hurt worse.. give him time and see if it's meant to be". Those are the last things you want to hear. But the more and more I think about it, the more and more I agree. Your relationship is in your boyfriends hands because if it were up to you, you two would be together. You have to give him time. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (since I was 15) and it is so hard living my life without him, because he has always been there. I have spent the past couple days without him (decided to break up and see what the future holds) and you don't know how many times I have wanted to call him or email him. But believe me, it does get easier. You think less and less about him. I still carry my phone with me wherever I go, just in case he does call, but I'm not expecting him to. If he does come back to you too quick, within a couple weeks, tell him no.. that he needs more time to think about what he REALLY wants. Ensure him that you will be there, though when he is ready. But that doesn't mean staying in and waiting for him. Live your life, have fun, go out with friends, meet guys. I'm not saying sleep with every guy you meet, but just go on with your life. I know this is so much to comprehend, but pretty much.. let him go, don't call him, don't talk to him, give him time.. at least a couple weeks, and let him know that you love him and you aren't breaking up with him because you found anyone else. When he is ready, he'll come back. I would love to talk to you more about this, seeing as though we are coming from the same situation. Add me on AOL: MeGaNMaRiE1034 or MSN: mshanahan10@hotmail.com.... and GOOD LUCK!! :)