Wait or Be Honest

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Wait or Be Honest
6
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:59pm
Help!!!! Here’s my dilemma. When do you step back and be patient and when do you act as if everything is fine and do what you would normally? The guy I’ve been dating for almost three months hasn’t been very proactive lately…i.e., I’ve been the one emailing him and making contact. I know he is really busy at work and I do not want to harass him, but I also don’t want him to think I am sulking or ignoring him…I’m torn as to whether to be honest with him and just come out and say…I know you’re busy but I’d love to see you when you have time so just give me a call. We are getting to that stage where you are beginning to relax into it, but I’m afraid that he is loosing interest because of his lack of initiative. I don’t want to come off as clingy. Do I just sit back and wait???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: toqt4u
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 2:19pm

I've been in the same boat with the guy I am seeing.

I asked him:
"do you like it when I call?"
he said oh yes

I asked him,
"Would it by pushy if I asked you to do something once in a while?"
He said, of course not.

I think guys respond well to direct questions as long as they aren't no-win questions like 'do I look fat?'

Phrase the questions so they show that you care about his feelings.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
In reply to: toqt4u
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 5:50pm
If you have been with your boyfriend for three months and you feel akward asking him whether he wants to see you or not there is something wrong. By the three months you should feel secure enough to be able to ask him anything. Furthermore, the fact that you even need to ask him to spend more time with you indicates that he might not feel as strongly about you as you do for him. I would tell him straight up that you think the fact that you two are not spending enough time with each other is a problem for you and you want things to change. If he is unwilling, I say move on and find a man who will not make you wonder whether he wants to spend time with you. Being busy at work is never an excuse not to spend time with your significant other.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: toqt4u
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:08pm

I think Isabella is right in many cases, but some relationships develop slowly. I hve been dating a guy 2 months and we are still getting to know eachother and taking it in small doses. In three months, we will have progressed some, but maybe not to the I can ask anything stage, certainly not to the point where i'd demand he neglect work responsibilities to spend time with me. I don't think i'd do that to a man if I was married to him actually.

If the poster is young, then slow might be a very wise way to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: toqt4u
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:09pm
absolutely agree on all points.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
In reply to: toqt4u
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:52pm

I'm with ubersilly! :)
It sounds like it's still the casual dating phase. Different relationships move at different paces.

You can ask him flat out, but you may not get the real answer. Of course he will say he's fine with you initiating things. What you really want to ask is, "where is this relationship heading?" but that's definitely risky!

So, my advice would be to back off from being the initiator for a little bit. Let him get around to it when he's good and ready. In the meantime, make lots of other plans for fun stuff to do. Organize a girls night out. Round up some co-workers for a Friday night happy hour. Take a little weekend road trip. Just get BUSY. That way when he calls, you'll have all kinds of fun stuff to tell him you've been doing. It won't sound like you've been sulking at all. On the contrary, it will remind him what a fun, active, well-liked person you are. Maybe it will light a fire under him to stay in contact with you better (assuming he likes you as much as you like him.) Maybe it'll give him the permission he needs to drift away completely (if he's losing interest but doesn't want to hurt you). Either way, you'll know where he stands in relatively short order.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: toqt4u
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 8:02am

Sounds like you've already got a good plan to me. Tell him what you suggested. A guy who is in to you will be happy you said something.

Oh and you're right about that whole relaxation period thing. After a few months a guy starts to get more comfortable and the extras start to drop off, it's normal.