Waiting......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Waiting......
12
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 4:41pm
I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (who is 25) for 4 1/2 years now. We have broken up a couple times and dated other people, and we have always come back to each other...so I feel confindent that he is the person I want to be with and he wants to be with me. The problem is that I am thinking marriage within the next year or two and he is not. We have discussed it once, but I don't want to keep bringing it up, because I really do not want him to feel pressured. I just don't know what to do. I don't want him to think I am just going to wait around forever for him to propose. But I also don't want to give him an ultimatum or deadline, because that will just scare him off. I want to married by time I turn 30 and I am afraid that it is not going to happen.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ibecki28
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:38pm

Honestly, if you can't talk about your wants, needs and dreams openly - then it really isn't a great relationship. If he is truly into you, raising the subject of marriage will not scare him off. And if it does scare him off, then you will have your answer about his plans for your future together. At the very least, you should be able to have a rational discussion about what you want for your future and what he wants for your future.

Having said all that, I don't believe that he should be planning to get married to you shortly. He is only 25 after all. While your body clock is ticking, he's still probably got a way to go before he'll be ready to settle down. Many, many men aren't ready to settle down until they are in their 30's.

When you have this discussion about your futures, be prepared that the result may be a disacovery that you both have very different time frames. But it's better to find out now before you spend more time waiting.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: ibecki28
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 7:26pm

"I want to married by time I turn 30 and I am afraid that it is not going to happen."

And with this BF there's a good chance that it won't. You've been together on and off for 4 1/2 years and he's still got doubt that you're TheOne. More often than not doubts mean no.

You're right, giving him an ultimatem is a horrible idea. You don't want to have to convince your BF that he wants to be with you. You shouldn't have to manipulate the situation to go your way with something as big and life changing as marriage. I do however think that you need to answer the waiting question. How long are you willing to wait? It's not an open ended question or a hypothetical. Completely answerable with an exact date, how long? You decide and then give yourself the ultimatem. You decide that you'll stick it out until X amount of time. If by that X you don't at least have a ring AND a set date, then you exit the relationship. There's no need to tell your BF of this, because it's not for him to decide, it's YOU giving YOU the ultimatem.

So how long will you wait for him to decide whether or not YOU'll be married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: ibecki28
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 4:24pm
ibecki,
Of course, this is really just my two cents and you can disregard if you want...
I'm 44 yrs old and have been married twice and badly;). I got married the first time at a very young 21 and that only lasted two years. The second time, I was 30 and thought I had it ALL figured out...I couldn't have been more wrong. All I'm saying is please, please, don't rush this. You're SO young and have so much ahead of you and so does your boyfriend. Putting time limits and dates on things just doesn't work...and besides, life never seems to hold to OUR timelines. You know what they say...life is what happens while you're making other plans. Just give it a little thought is all I'm saying. If you're not married in two years, the world won't come to a screeching halt and neither will you. If you're truly happy and in love with this guy, waiting shouldn't be that much of a problem. As long as you know that you are both happy, in love and committed to one another, maybe that's all you need right now...the rest will come in time, I promise.
Good luck and enjoy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
In reply to: ibecki28
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 9:51pm

I am basically going through the same thing you are, ibecki. I am almost 26 and my boyfriend of 16 months is 20. All of my friends are in the phase of life that consists of getting married and/or having children. I know that I am ready to take the next step in that direction, but I know that my boyfriend is not. I have a strong feeling that if I stay with him, everything will work out down the line, but I'm worried that might not happen. If I wait for him, and something happens and we break up, I'm just that much older and I'm still trying to have a family before I'm too old. I also want to have kids before or around the time I'm 30, because I want to have the energy to keep up with my kids and I want to minimize the risk of pregnancy complications associated with older age.

I'm in a mild panic mode at the moment, because I'm afraid I'm about to give up a sure thing in the future on the chance that I might meet someone who is ready for a commitment now. It seems like such a ridiculus, foolish thing to do, but getting married and having kids is something that I really do want.

I need to find some way to find out (without pressuring him and definitely without giving an ultimatum since I dont' believe in them) at what point he thinks he would be ready to commit to getting married. Neither of us believe in getting married while still in school (although I'm done with my master's and he's still an undergrad) but I don't know where he stands on the whole proposal timeline. I'm going to a counselor tomorrow about it, and I'll let you know if I stumble across something that might be helpful to you. In the meantime, good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ibecki28
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:39am

OK, I am not 26 but far from it. But, even when I was 26 I was divorced and with a child, that is when I learned my feelings are just that. My wants are just that and no less then a man I want to be with. I expressed them then and continue to express them now. Did it make me lose a lot of potential good relationships, I will say yes. But, in the long run it is what is best. I have been on the other side of settling and him marrying because it is right and the right time but it did not work. I needed someone who was ready. Now ladies, let me tell you there is nothing better then a man that is right and at the right time. 30 and having kids is not bad but 50 there becomes risk. Why be worried at 20 something that you are going to be to old? Before you are 26 I say you are not career ok to raise a child at current employment because you have to finish college and get established in the career. You do not want (according to divorce rate now) to depend on marriage being a security blanket.


People currently get married with that assumption and then 10 yrs down the line realize who the married is not the person they are with and are 40 to 50 and either dealing for kids or financial reasons because they did not secure it. This is not 50's or before where marriage meant much more. People move open for the littlest thing and I do not want you all to think it is the all. Average age to have a child is 35 but because of promiscuity in todays culture people want to marry much sooner and settle down without knowing the person. Take your time if he is not ready ok find someone who is or ask your self why are you so ready and if it is right. Because the best indicator from experience and from any of the males I know, marriages last when they are ready because their out days are over not because she was read. In reality though we may be ready he is not and hence many failed relationsips because he is either out working to much we feel shorted, he is cheating and we are shorted, or hanging with his boys and we feel shorted. So either ask it first date if you want a relationship what he wants or cut it off soon that he says he is not ready and you are.


Sorry about the ramblings but tell me you experience, respond or what. I should have made a different post with this but this just brought my heart out. I am up for disagreements to give me more understanding but this your forum give it to me.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: ibecki28
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 2:22pm

You sound like you are going through exactly the same thing! Your thoughts and feelings mirror mine so much! My friends are all getting married...a couple are having kids...and everyone I know (even those I don't know) asks me when I am getting married. How can you help but not feel anxious. I want to have kids while I am still young, but also want to be married for awhile before I start that phase of life. For me, the idea of having kids around 30 has already passed! I look at my parents and grandparents and want them to be around for a wedding and babies. But I also agree that it seems to foolish to leave a good relationsip in hopes of finding someone else that I love so much that is ready to get married. But I also relate to the concern that something may happen while waiting and we break up and I have wasted all this time.

Let me know if you find anything good out from your visit with the counselor. I have considered doing the same....just to simply have someone to talk to and get feedback from. This isn't really something I can discuss with my boyfriend very easily, and it's kind-of embarrassing to talk about with other people, because I sound so desparate. It helps to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. My married friends aren't the best people to confide in....they really can't relate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: ibecki28
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:04pm

This is simple. Though, it's not so simple when a person is IN it and attached to a particular outcome. It's often hard to "see the forest thru the trees" as the saying goes when immersed in a relationship that, looking from the outside in, seems quite obvious.

Here's the simple and obvious thing about your situation, and the other poster who's in a similiar situation. You can LOVE someone all you want, but ... if you're with someone who's not yet in the same place in life, it's a no-where-to-go situation. You can't make someone "catch up" to you -- in age or maturity. So, in knowing what you want, you get out there again and find someone who's on the same page -- in maturity and goals.

I think you said your BF is 25? If his age matches his maturity, then he's still a few years away from having "accomplished" the things in life that, for the most part, a man needs to have done to move forward with committing to someone else.

To the previous poster who's BF is 20, well ... he's a long way off. He's barely an adult, and again, if his age matches his maturity, then ... he's still got a few years until he even starts really figuring out who he is and what he really wants out of life. Now, please don't take this take this the wrong way, but ... I have to wonder why, at age of 26 (assuming that your age matches your maturity), you're dating someone who's 20.

The age disparity issue becomes less of an issue as age and maturity rise -- in your 20s, you're still figuring out what you want and who you are. The years between 28 - 32 are HUGE -- if you believe in or know anything about astrology (take this with a grain of salt, if you don't), at 28 we enter a period of our lives called a "Saturn Return" -- the period in life that marks the end of youth and the beginning of our "productive" adult years. Saturn is the planet of changes and limitations. It's the beginning of truly defining oneself and applying what a person's learned. In our mid-20s, yes ... we're still "learning" ourselves ... and others. As a person matures, what OTHERS do or want starts to matter less and less, and our self-awareness increases (in other words, it's a lot easier to say "you want what you want, I know what I want" ... neither is right or wrong, it just is ... and you can cut your losses and wish others their best, while you get on with your best, with a lot less impact ... sure, it still stings, but it's easier with awareness and acceptance).

It can be a time of great achievement or realized limitiation -- depending on how a person "gets thru it" -- but, the bottom line is that, it's a period of significant change, for better or worse.

So, ok, I don't know why I got off on a "new age" tangent ... but, for those who don't believe in this type of stuff ... factually, there is relevance: for example, for those who do marry before this period in their lives, this is often the time where people start to question their committment. Case in point, US Census states peak divorce years to be 28 - 30.

Nor am I thinking it's a mere coincidence that Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin all died at age 27. Sure, they were strung-out rock stars ... as well as deeply sensitive artists, as most artists are ... but, they weren't addicts by accident ... they were addicts because they used drugs and alcohol to cope with life and "heighten" creativity ... but, in my opinion, feeling the influence that a looming Saturn imposes upon a person before its return, they couldn't "deal" with the changes they were about to embark upon in the question of "who am I?" in life ... and instead, opted out.

So, call me crazy ... ha! ... perhaps a little bit of my "new age spiritual" side is out in force today.

Personally, it wasn't until 31 - 32, that I started feeling like "ok, I get it now!" ... which is why so many people in their early 30s start coming to a point of self-actualization and begin ACTING on the changes that Saturn Return forces upon us.

Point is, there is a point in life where all people get it "figured out." And at 20 or 25, a person's just not "there" yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
In reply to: ibecki28
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 10:03am

starbuck70-
I would just like to comment your post. Personally, I would not be involved with someone who was 20 and was as mature as a 20 year old. I would say that my maturity level as I rapidly approach 26 is about where it should be, and my boyfriend's maturity level is near mine (if he was female, we'd be dead even, but males are more immature than females at any age...). I admit, getting involved with someone that much younger than me was very risky, and completely unintended. He was a friend of a friend and we then became friends. I honestly did not expect anything romantic to come out of it because of his age (never even crossed my mind that it would have even been a possibility), but it did and I'm glad. I am a very practical, analytical person. I make rational decisions, but for once I followed my heart instead of practicality, and its been an amazing 16 months since. I would assume the other posters' boyfriend is about, if not as mature as she is, otherwise (based on my experience) the relationship never would have lasted as long as it has.

As far as the ages of 28-32 being the beginning of our "productive years", I must disagree. This year marked the 10th year that I've paid taxes on wage earnings; I've finished graduate school; in my job as an Administrator of a whole division in a nonprofit organization I've helped draft language that was submitted to the FL legislature...all this before I turn 26. These experiences have shaped who I am and what I believe in, not my age. Granted, people who are older have had more experiences than people who are younger, but younger people have experiences that can be just as life changing and meaningful as someone of any other age. And I fully expect to keep evolving and discovering new things about myself and having different opinions based on new experiences long past the age of 32!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
In reply to: ibecki28
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 10:32am

ibecki28-

I went to a counselor last night to talk about my concerns that are similar to yours. I knew it was risky to get involved with someone that much younger than me to begin with, and I always believed that if my boyfriend and I were to ever break up, it would be because I wanted to get married and have kids sooner than he did. Well, the push has finally come to shove! I'm still not sure what to think about the whole thing, but my counselor did help me- when we were talking about our forward progress in the relationship, I realized that last year at this time we weren't officially living together (even though he spent every night at my place). For the last 7 months we've been on a lease together and splitting the rent and bills. I didn't feel like that much had changed when we moved in together, but signing a lease really was a significant forward motion. I have ALWAYS had the bad habit of worrying about the near to distant future and not giving full appreciation to my current situation. So, compared to last year, we've definitely moved ahead. I can only hope next year I can look back and see more forward motion. If in a year, we're still in the same situation as we are now, I'll need to rethink things for sure, but for now, I'm going to try appreciate what I have (since I have never been in a serious relationship before - he has, though- and this is unchartered territory for me).

Are you living with your boyfriend now? If you are, for how long? If you aren't, why not? I know that you've been with your boyfriend for a lot longer than I have, so I don't know if my approach to this will work for you. I'm still planning on talking to my boyfriend about it this weekend, though. I won't be asking any questions so I don't put him on the spot or pressure him, but I am going to tell him how I feel (even though I think he already has a pretty good idea) about my peers all getting married, and that I'm glad that our relationship has moved forward in the last year and I hope it continues to grow, and I'll pretty much leave it at that. I think that's going to be the best way for me to handle it, and I really hope that I can get over the engagement envy I'm having ASAP, and enjoy what I have. At least for the next year or so.

Also- I had posted my situation on "The Relationship Saver" message board a couple of days before I saw your post, and there were about 9 or 10 responses, so you might find something that applies to you in there. The title was something like "friends engaged but I'm not".

Good luck, and if you are still stressing about this in the next few days, I think talking to a counselor might be a good way to go.

e




Edited 1/6/2006 10:33 am ET by edelirious
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: ibecki28
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:00pm

I'm happy to hear that you seem to have things in control...it seems like the counselor really helped you put things in perspective. I really like the things you had to say. My boyfriend and I do not live together...and I don't want to do that before marriage (or at least engagement) and we have been dating for awhile, so I guess that is why I am looking for the "next step". I can really relate to what you said:

"I have ALWAYS had the bad habit of worrying about the near to distant future and not giving full appreciation to my current situation."

That really hit home with me. I do the same thing, and maybe this is a form of that way of thinking. Anyways, I'm glad to hear you seem to have things worked out in your mind. Good luck!

Pages