Waiting......
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Waiting......
| Tue, 01-03-2006 - 4:41pm |
I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (who is 25) for 4 1/2 years now. We have broken up a couple times and dated other people, and we have always come back to each other...so I feel confindent that he is the person I want to be with and he wants to be with me. The problem is that I am thinking marriage within the next year or two and he is not. We have discussed it once, but I don't want to keep bringing it up, because I really do not want him to feel pressured. I just don't know what to do. I don't want him to think I am just going to wait around forever for him to propose. But I also don't want to give him an ultimatum or deadline, because that will just scare him off. I want to married by time I turn 30 and I am afraid that it is not going to happen.

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<< I admit, getting involved with someone that much younger than me was very risky, and completely unintended. >>
While it's great to follow your heart, rationally ... you know he's 20. So, I'm not sure what you expect ... rationally, that is? He's 20. He may be the most mature 20-y/o guy out there, but he's 20. So, yes ... going with your heart, you know that you're playing the odds and hoping that it will work out. However, looking at it rationally and realistically, would you not agree that the odds are against you in aligning with someone who's 20? It is possible to a) follow one's heart while b) aligning with someone who's realistically ready for and wanting the same things in life. Which would like mean aligning with someone who's in closer alignment with where you are in your life. Which, most likely means the guy isn't going to be 20, kwim?
However, if you're happy and willing to wait for him to catch up, that too is personal choice and one that certainly isn't "wrong" ... it's just that it's probably got more odds stacked against it than for it. Thus, within the context of rational, I'd have to ask ... is it rational?
As for "completely unintended" ... that's something I'd have to disagree with. Everyone we have relationships with is our choice. We choose the people in our lives, and the only people in our life we do not choose is our family. So, all things considered, "unintended" is saying that you weren't responsible for choosing this relationship ... when, in fact, you did choose it. It didn't CHOOSE YOU ... there most certainly was a point were you could have said "I'll pass" ... therefore, at that point, you chose it ... and that choice was intentional. Things don't "just happen" (though it's convenient and easier to think of it that way).
<< As far as the ages of 28-32 being the beginning of our "productive years", I must disagree. >>
That's fine ... I can respect your right to disagree.
However, I will add in regard to << This year marked the 10th year that I've paid taxes on wage earnings; I've finished graduate school; in my job as an Administrator of a whole division in a nonprofit organization I've helped draft language that was submitted to the FL legislature...all this before I turn 26. >>
I can relate. By your age, I'd also been working for 9 years and paying taxes; graduated with two degrees; had a successful career in marketing; at 28, I started my own business; at 30, purchased my first home.
However, there is a difference between accomplishments and the productiveness that comes from having these accomplishments ... in other words, it does take awhile for the "fruits of our labors" to really start paying ... not just externally, in what we are producing for others, but ... what we are producing for ourselves.
By no means is what I was trying to get at a way of saying that "before 28, people don't really accomplish anything" ... that would be silly to say. What I'm saying is that the true rewards of those accomplishments don't happen overnight. It takes time coupled with diligence and perseverance. You might see your accomplishments in a whole different light, in 5 years or so, with a whole different sense of purpose. It's not just about life changing experiences, yes ... everybody has life changing experiences that help shape who we are ... but, I can wholehearteldy say that the life changing experiences I had at 15 or 25 were not met within the same sense of self-awareness/actualization that I experienced at 30 or today, at 35.
<< And I fully expect to keep evolving and discovering new things about myself and having different opinions based on new experiences long past the age of 32! >>
Also not saying that we're "done" at 32 ... the Saturn Return reference was just one point of reference as those years are right around the corner for you. There's certainly plenty more to come for me, as well. ;-) And most definitely, I fully expect to keep evolving and growing.
However, my opinions rarely change nowadays. Perhaps others in their 30s would agree ... or not. One on hand, it could be called "stuck in one's ways" ... on the other hand, it could be called KNOWING oneself ... and in knowing oneself (self-awareness/actualization), rarely do opinions or options change based on different experiences and/or situational details in life. There is very little "situational detail" in my life anymore. The dynamics may change, the people may change, but what I know about me now isn't going to change (it will grow, but not change), nor will my opinion change based on situational experiences or details. Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but that's the best I can explain it.
Think of it this way, when you're 35 or 40 ... do you want to be solid and aware in your opinions and sense of self ... what you know about you, what you want, what you need and be able to say "ok, because I know this about me, I can rationally see and say 'this isn't in my best interest' or 'this person's opinions or wants, needs, etc don't mesh with mine, therefore, it's not in my best interests to stay with this situation?'" ... or, do you want to be ungrounded in your opinions and sense of self, wants, needs ... be easily influenced by others opinions ... conform to the opinions, needs, etc of others?
For that reason, my opinions rarely if ever change nowadays. That's not about being closed-minded or stubbor either ... i'm very opened minded, but I'm also able to say "this isn't for me" and go the other way if something isn't within my needs/wants or doesn't work within my points of view, opinions, etc. I'm not so much of a fan of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole anymore. I know what my options are, and those options are always within my reach. There's no "waiting" for others to catch up to wanting what I want. If they don't, it's in my best interest to move on.
Now, at 26 or 28 or probably even 30, I may have "waited" too. But, not so much anymore. "Love conquers all" is an ideal concept. But, it's not a realistic one and waiting doesn't make things so. Choices and making decisions makes things so.
Let's put it this way, if when I was 28, I had exercised my options rather than "waited" ... perhaps I would be married with kids now. Perhaps if I hadn't waited on someone else back in my late 20s, I wouldn't have let other future options pass me by by staying with someone whom I wasn't on the same page with. But, I don't dwell on "what if's" ... for yes, those experiences were valuable, too, and I'm grateful for them. But, I'm not married, no kids (and glad about that, because if I had married and had kids with any previous BFs, it most likely wouldn't have lasted). And, I'm perfectly fine with that because I've never viewed those things as the "goal" for me ... rather, something I want but only for the absolute right reasons (which is why I've never forced it to happen).
Point is, if you have marriage as a goal, don't let future options pass you by ... if you know what you want, and have the means to acheive it, by all means, do so! However, if you are happy as a clam in your current relationship and expect nothing more from it than you currently have, then ... by all means stay in it and enjoy it. In doing so, you aren't letting future options pass you by ... because, you're not worried about the future ... you're simply enjoying what you have for what it is.
I had never heard of the Saturn Return before but having just turned 36 I know exactly what you are talking about. There is a definite difference in the way you view the world when you are in your thirties as opposed to the way you did in your twenties. I find I am more accepting of other people's opinions. Before I wanted everyone to agree with me.
I also felt I needed to be in a relationship and if I wasn't I was missing out on something. Now, having been in an abusive relationship (mental not physical) for 8 years, 4 of them married I know better. I would rather be alone, which I have done for the last 2 years, than be with someone who is toxic for me. There are some lessons that only time can teach. Some people learn sooner than others. It took me a while but I finally got there.
Do you study astrology? I thought that info was very interesting.
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