want to make it work, what do I do??
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| Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:43am |
I had been with a guy for about 8 months. I was never really attracted to him in the beginning and felt like I was too good for him, weird I know. But after we were together for a while, the feelings and attraction developed. I am really really attracted to him now. But It's like I feel like I can't be with him, since I didn't feel it from the start, I know that sounds weird, but it feels like it's stopping me from totally submerging myself into this relationship.
He is my first ever boyfriend, first relationship. I have dealt with many struggles in the past such as my mom dying, switching schools (commitment problems basically) and stuff so I feel that the way I dealt with things has a major role on how I am in this relationship. I am planning on meeting with a counselor to try to help me with some issues. But I am just wondering if anyone has any advice as to what to do? I mean I can say to take it slow, but it already went so fast it feels like I can't rewind it.
This guy is awesome, he has everything going for him, treats me like a princess, would do anything for me. I've had doubts for a while, but I think they are superficial because they were about the way he dressed and I didn't like it, but now...I don't care and I do like the way he dresses! We have been on and off and I have hung out with other guys and I keep comparing them to him and I find myself liking everything about him. And that the stuff I used to care about before doesn't really matter anymore.
It's hard cuz I never really "fell hard" for him or so to speak. I mean we had our fun phase of flirting and stuff, but I was never "crazy" about him, it just felt good. But it always felt like something was wrong because I didn't have those "in love' feelings, but I think I had too high of expections and didn't even know what love was. Althought it feels like the infatuation stage could come now, but is that possible after 8 months? I just hear so many stories that you don't have to have the butterflies and sweaty palms, you just have to have an unconditional love to make it work because that other stuff goes away. But how can I be so young and have just gone straight to feeling so content, safe and comfortable and love?
I also feel that I was playing games with him. I wasn't really being myself, and that I focused on our roles and not the real relationship, but I do that with everything in a way. It's hard to explain. But I just don't want to ruin a good thing, I mean he is an amazing person, everything I want and I just don't want to throw it away because I have other issues and and keep playing stupid games. I know I should probably figure myself out before I have a relationship, but I don't want to be away from him while I am doing so because in a way, HE helps me through it and is there for me.
I guess I am just feeling really confused because all I ever really have to compare it to is media and movies and stuff, which isn't all that real. I have tried many times to make it work with him, but I am just so confused as to what to do, I want to give it another go because I feel that I could marry him and be with him for the rest of life (he wants that too). I just fear that I am going to want that crazy in love feeling, but honestly I think that I have had that already with a guy that I dated before, so I know the difference. So in a way, I feel that he is the one. I just want some tips as to how to maybe work at it? Or if anyone has had similar experiences? Just any advice, because I really do love this guy and want to make it work, and it's just not fair to him anymore.

Dear precious2be:
I'm sensing a lot of desire to love and be loved and also a lot of fear and uncertainty. I can't tell from your post whether you and your boyfriend have been intimate yet, but I'm thinking not and that your question is really whether you should go to that level.
I think it's awesome that you are going to enter counseling and that you recognize that you may, indeed, be somewhat commitment phobic. Good job!
As for warming up slowly--honey, that's a good thing!! I spend a lot of time on the marsvenus message boards and over and over again I hear women describing instantaneous attraction as the prelude to their broken hearts! Real love grows over time, especially for women--we like mental and emotional attraction to be there first and the physical stuff can follow. (Men like physical attraction first, usually).
I can't offer you advice other than to reassure you that you are doing a splendid job of having a relationship that matters. I think you may well fear getting hurt or rejected (who doesn't?) and you and your bf are young, so this is a real possibility. But, it's worth it to say, "I want to focus on having a committed relationship with you." Even if in the long run it doesn't work out, having this experience is vital to your personal growth.
Risk is a part of life. I hope you will join us on the marssvenus board as well as continue to post here! You're doing great! beyondmeasure