want to proceed correctly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
want to proceed correctly
7
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 1:25pm

I just wanted to describe my current situation with a new guy. I like him a lot and feel much differently about him than I have about anyone else at this stage. I just want to make sure I am going into this with my eyes wide open, so here goes. I live in southern California, but am from northern California. Over the holidays I went home to visit my friends and family, and a friend of mine who had been wanting to set me up with this guy finally introduced us. We hit it off pretty instantly. We enjoy each other's company, make each other laugh, know many people in common, and are at a place in our lives where we're both ready for a new relationship. The major complication is that we don't live in the same town. I returned to southern California after the holidays so we're now 300 miles apart. He came to spend New Year's with me and a friend. It turned out to be an insane weekend because not only was my friend around, but my mother and some of her friends unexpectedly decided to come down as well. He handled it all amazingly well and remained interested in me. We now talk everyday, email each other, he sends me gifts, and he will visit me in a couple of weeks, this time without other house guests around. We've expressed that we're interested in only each other, though we've also said we won't think too much about the future.

I'm very happy with him right now and can envision him as someone I can be happy with for a long time, but I've never been in anything I'd consider a "serious" relationship, so these feelings are a bit scary for me. I've never been married, engaged, or lived with anyone. I've gone through long periods of not dating at all, and because I've tended to move a lot during my late teens and twenties, it's made long term relationships very challenging.

Besides the distance, his past is more complicated than mine. He's been divorced for a few months, though he was separated for a year. He's had a pattern of getting involved with women who wind up mistreating him very badly (he's been cheated on and verbally abused). I think maybe these women are really fun and exciting at first but end up being unstable and abusive, and perhaps a part of him felt like he could fix them. I don't worry about becoming one of these women (I'm very mild mannered), but I do worry that I might be too nice and lacking the excitement that usually draws him to a woman. I probably shouldn't worry about this because I have all the assurance that he likes me for who I am, but I feel like certain patterns become deeply embedded.

Also, because we know many people in common and we were set up by a friend, our pairing has become fodder for gossip among our various circles. This semi-public status makes me a little uncomfortable because I've never been in this kind of situation before. I don't think he's thrilled about it either so he said he'll stop talking about us with certain nosy people. On the one hand, it's fun to know that people are curious about what's going on, and that they think we're a cute couple, but on the other hand, it seems wrong to allow other people's interest provide the momentum in our relationship.

We're really looking forward to seeing each other again. It will only be the third time we're in the same town, but it will be over a month since we started "dating." We haven't had sex yet, so I'm pretty sure we will during this upcoming visit. I want to because I have come to really like and care about him, and I miss him. I know he really wants to. But I also want to go about things right and not ruin it by having sex too early. When I think about it, it feels right, so maybe I just shouldn't worry?

Feel free to comment on any of the above. A lot of this is virgin territory for me so I'd love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 1:41pm

Look - chill out.

"Infatuation" - your desire and attention to and for me makes me feel so great about me, I can't get enough of you.

That's going to last at least 6 months and probably longer due to distance. what causes infatuation to fade, and realistic and objectiv review of character to begin is "contact".

Unstructured, unrehearsed contact where you see how this person is in "real life' - not in planned time where there is preparation to focus exclusively on the benefit and pleasure of each other.

So let infatuation run its course. Infatuation is charged with feelings. But feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to actions or tools of cognition so don't use them as any of that.

All that is happening is that both of you find being found so delightful, attractive, and fun is appealing....it's not that the other person for who they are appeals to you yet.

So let infatuation do it's thing, sounds like you'v got a pretty solid handle on your life - remember a relationship isn't a goal or a destination, it enhances who you are - or else get rid of it.

You are quite likely to find that you're correct......that you're the eye of the storm for him in terms of the abuse and neglect. He's got love affiliated with being of use, benefit, service, and along with "whip me, beat me, tell me I'm cheap it proves you love me."

So quite likely he's relieved now not to have to deal with he chaos and demands that his self-inflicted and other induced mindset and interaction produces. He's a "vicarious liver" - in short, he oesn't have much of a life or interests or goals of his own - he finds his value in being of use, benefit and service. So the driving and him doing most of the expenses and concessions - he's going to think that is TOTALLY NORMAL, while not realizing it doesn't allow you to know of or invest in him as a person - vs. an entity.

Don't be sidelined, he'd got a history no doubt of holding against his partner what it is they "utilize him for" - that he never tells them he considers that to be what they're doing, until he explodes.

But that said, that's alot of projection and might totally be wrong....probably not, but could be.

So enjoy infatuation for waht it is - while not trying to make it into something that it's not.

Basically, a life partner is someone you respect and admire int erms of character nad values becuase of who they are- not what they offer to your life.

The longer you continue with this - while he might offer benefits and services, if he's typically codependent in terms of 'giver' - you'll find he dotes on you, waits on you, makes no move without you - and that'll suffocate you because you're realize "oh my goodness, I'm totally responsible for his life as he views it."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 2:21pm

Hey SBC...I think you are right to be concerned about his previous patterns. I don't think people change those patterns without therapy or something similar like a 12 step program. So you definitely want to keep this firmly in mind as you proceed.

Also, I would be very cautious due to his recent divorce. I don't think the amount of time you're separated really counts. I was separated for at least a year before my divorce but its finalization still hit me hard. But the thing is, I didn't realize it at the time...you couldn't have *told* me that I wasn't just fine. So while he may think he's fine and ready to date, that doesn't mean he is. I agree with the rule of thumb proposed by a lot of experts of waiting a year after the divorce is *final* to start dating someone.

I personally don't think getting into an LDR without having an end strategy in mind is wise. Of course it would be strictly hypothetical at ths point, but you don't want to sleep with him, get more and more emotionally involved, and then find out down the road that he isn't thinking along the same lines as you are with respect to who moves where, what type of relationship he ultimately wants, etc.

LDRs are really hard, because there are periods of concentrated, romantic togetherness but none of the day to day "stuff". So your ability to really get to know someone is limited until one of you moves. But OTOH, you don't want to have someone pick up and move until you really know each other well. It's a real catch-22. Having just had my first one end (very painfully, as you know), I won't be doing one again any time soon. But I do know of LDRs that have worked out and resulted in marriage. The key in those cases was that the people had money and very flexible schedules so they could visit each other frequently and spend more than weekends together.

The only concern I would have about having sex on your next visit is that it does cause most women to become more emotionally attached and suspend good judgment so that you're not as able to evaluate him objectively as a potential partner. So that's the risk you're running. But it would be hard to have him stay with you and not sleep together, that's for sure.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:14pm

Thank you for the advice, and possible scenarios. I guess when you hit 30, it's just unrealistic to ask for a man with no baggage or history. He's actually had some therapy, when he was trying to save his marriage. He said he went through couples and individual counseling and that that's where he realized his tendency to get involved with women who weren't good for him. He realized that he had this need to take care of or fix people and that it's always blown up in his face, so he knows now that he should find someone who is already whole and knows who she is. At this stage he may still be trying to court me, so when I asked what he would do if his ex resurfaced, he said it's over and he doesn't have any inclination to go back to her. I don't know if it's that simple. It wasn't for me when I just had a one-month relationship, but I don't know--maybe guys are more able to move on without looking back or having second thoughts?

For now we feel that the distance is manageable (5 hour drive, 1 hour flight), but if things get more serious, then we will have to do some real negotiating. The thing is, we're in careers where moving happens with some regularity and neither of us are really set where we are. I'm at the beginning of my career so really could end up in any number of places. But we're not even touching that subject yet, and for now just hoping that we remain within a reasonable distance from each other.

I'm seeing a therapist now, and she hasn't been encouraging or discouraging me to do this or that. If anything, she's encouraging me to focus in on what my heart wants and to not beat myself up when I don't listen to my head. I haven't taken many risks with love and relationships so I think much of what has happened in my life recently has been about putting myself out there, making mistakes, learning from them, and gaining a lot of insight about myself in the process. This guy may wind up being another part of this learning process. I hope he turns out to be something much more significant, but one can never know.

When I was talking to him on the phone last night I told him that I probably will get very attached if we have sex. His response was there's nothing wrong with that. Again, he could be saying this because he's still trying to give the appearance of wanting to be in a relationship, but this did offer me some reassurance. What I know right now is that I want to be closer to him and to experience a deeper connection.

At the end of my session today, my therapist said this may very well be as painful or more painful than my previous relationship, but she commended me on opening myself up to something with a new person, and for not retreating to my usual pattern of avoiding relationships. It's an emotional time, but I feel lucky right now to have met someone whom I can at least feel good about for the time being. We'll see how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:00pm

You hit on something important here: << I haven't taken many risks with love and relationships so I think much of what has happened in my life recently has been about putting myself out there, making mistakes, learning from them, and gaining a lot of insight about myself in the process. This guy may wind up being another part of this learning process. I hope he turns out to be something much more significant, but one can never know. >>

Yes, I do agree that you've gotta take risks in life and love. Nothing ventured, nothing gain. "To love and hurt and love again is living a brave and happy life" -- one of my favorite quotes. So, yes ... there's a great opportunity in EVERY relationship to make mistakes, learn, gain insight in the process. Every relationship is part of the process. Even the one that ends up being "the one" kwim? Are we ever "done?" Gosh, I hope not. I hope that I'm always learning something about me in my partnerships and growing and learning while IN IT ... not just after it.

However, there's risk and there's calculated risk. Which is, I believe part of what Sheri was saying in having a strategy. And, of course, having a strategy means knowing what you want.

Do you want a LDR? Does a long-distance relationship align with YOUR goals and priorities? Or, would you have to "fit this in" and "make it work" to adjust to your life and your priorities? (note: most women are willing to bend over backwards to adjust a man into their mix of priorities in order to make things work; whereas, there are fewer women who function like a guy, and do it the other way around ... in other words, finding a guy who fits within their existing priorities rather than re-prioritizing around the guy).

If you're coming from a position of "my options are limited, so I'll give this long-distance thing a try because I haven't found anything better within my location" ... if you're viewing things from a position of "I'll give any option a try, because it's better than not trying" ... well, there are pros and cons to that. If you know what you want, then ... it's easy to see that not every option is a viable one, with a "good chance" of it working out. On the other hand, what's the harm in giving that option a try, even if it's less-than-desirable circumstances?

If you have a fear of getting attached, because of sex ... or because of the distance factor ... then, what you have to do is go into it knowing that you are setting yourself up for an "experience" ... and you have to be confident that you can handle the outcome. If within a month, what you know about you is that you MIGHT be back here feeling disappointed, because you got attached and it didn't work out, then ... you can spare yourself that experience since you already learned that lesson.

But, if you can go into it, not attached to any specific outcome, then ... if it doesn't work out, you'll be able to take it with a grain of salt and say "it was nice while it lasted."

So, if what you know about you is that a LDR isn't desirable to you ... you can exercise that option and say "it was fun meeting you, but I'm not interested in a LDR at this point in my life." That's easy to say if you know that that's not what you want. It doesn't depend on the guy ... it depends on knowing what you want.

<< For now we feel that the distance is manageable (5 hour drive, 1 hour flight), but if things get more serious, then we will have to do some real negotiating. >>

Sure, it's manageable now ... because there's no obligation ... it's just << I feel lucky right now to have met someone whom I can at least feel good about >> ... however, if you guys get to know each other better, and the "real negotiating" sets in ... are you prepared for managing that?

Whatever the case, if I were you, I'd still be keeping my options open to finding someone to "feel lucky with and good about" in Santa Barbara.

But, if what you know about you is that you aren't good at dating more than one guy at a time ... if you know that by starting something long-distance with this guy ... that it will impact your ability and opportunities for dating others in your area ... then, you may want to re-consider starting up anything with this guy. Only you know if you're capable of dating others while getting to know this guy. Some women can do that, most can't (once feelings or attachments are involved).

As for why its VERY hard to start up a relationship via long distance, I've written about that several times before. So, I'll try to find a previous post rather than re-writing it. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:07pm

Here's a previous post on LDRs that start LD: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlguytalk/?msg=24827.5

Just food for thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 7:18pm

Thank you for all the input and scenarios. It does give me pause and will continue to be cautious, though I find myself becoming more drawn the more I get to know him. Neither of us is interested in dating other people. I know I could spare myself a lot of potential pain by looking to date local people, but I'm just not the kind of person who can focus on several people at once. I'm interested in someone who unfortunately lives 300 miles away, but I like him enough to want to try to make it work. I told him that he shouldn't deny himself the opportunity to date other women but his response was that he took himself off the market after meeting me.

All I can say is I'm taking all the warnings into consideration, realize that this is a tough situation, but we're both entering this with good intentions and desire to make it work. For now we are enjoying talking and getting to know one another. It's still new. We both realize that.

So his visit is still scheduled for next Friday. I'm looking forward to it, but I also realize this could determine a lot. We could solidify things or realize how difficult it's going to be. Being my usual neurotic self, I'm excited, nervous, scared, and worried. But I'm mostly looking forward to it.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:08pm
SBC, life is too short to live with what if's. My feelings after getting a divorce are that I only get to live once and I don't want to have a lot of regrets. It sounds like you like this guy and are willing to take a chance. You are both on the same page and what's the worst that can happen? You might get hurt. But that can also happen with a guy close to home. It sounds like you are aware of the risks so I say go for it and good luck.