Well!! How do I handle this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Well!! How do I handle this??
3
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 5:57pm

Hello everyone!
It has been some time now since I have been around, the last time I was here I got some really good advice so here goes nothing. I have been single now for ALMOST 3 years after getting out of a 10 year relationship and when I say single I mean single in every way not even a date(depending on what you call a date anyway) I have met guys and just not liked something about them or met them and things didn't work for some reason or another, or the timing was just off. My little sis says I am just tooo picky, I say considering I have 2 children that I am probably not picky enough. I look into people too much sometimes I guess.

well the situation is this, I met someone about 6 months ago, I work third shift at a gas station and he was a regular customer, just recently I had the courage to offer him my phone number. He declined the offer saying that he was not ready to bring someone into his life at the moment because of some financial and family obligations that he has.Then he thanked me for being so understanding. Ok I thought that was fine because the otherr 2 guys I have been interested in the past 3 years just strung me along with nothing except when they got bored they would get a hold of me. So for this guy to state an actual not a good idea answer was actually rrelieving to me.

Ok fast forward to thursday, it was my birthday and a couple of friends were taking me out for a couple of birthday drinks. one of his jobs is he is the bouncer at one of the bars we went to that night. He bought me my first drink and told me that I had 2 more free ones coming from the bar owners after that. The night I had tried to give him my phone number I had written him a letter how I was sorry I had put him on the spot in front of everyone the way I did. And a whole bunch of other stuff. I didn't get a chance to give it to him until the night of my birthday. Well my friends and I were sitting there and he came up from behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and told me that I had nothing to be sorry about and that I should keep coming around(I told him in the letter that I was going to avoid his bar so I didn't make him feel uncomfortable)He said that I could never make him feel uncomfortable because he knew I was and open honest person.

My friends and I were then getting ready to leave because that bar was closing at 10pm, we were then going to go to karokee(I can never spell that word--LOL) Ben came over and asked me if we were still going to go to the karokee bar. I told him we were headed there now he then said he would meet me there. Long story short all of my friends ditched me and when I got there there was only one of my friends there, she had gotten ditched by all of here other friends too---LOL. Ben got there about an hour later,I saw him go up to the bar and told him he had to take a birthday shot with me he said only if he could buy it and he said we had to toast to something, and he made it to new friends, my friend knows that I like Ben and when she saw us hanging out talking she walked up to us and announced that she was leaving and asked Ben if he would take carre of me he said "yes maam I will"(she is older than the both of us and he said it was respectful to call her maam when she picked on him about it--lol.He didn't leave my side the rest of the night, he TRIED to teach me how to play pool, we talked ALOT and I really got to scrape the surface on getting to know him better.

This is the dilemma, I know he is not ready for a relationship, and I respect that,but I really would like the chance to talk to him in a quiet setting with no distractions. So here it is saturday night and I have been laying off because I do not want to suffocate him or anything, but I am just dying to talk to him again. I have been throwing around the idea of just meeting him in the parking lot after he gets out of work, or calling him or any one of a million different things but as I said I do not want to make him feel like I am one of those clingy girls that seem to elude the bars. He said that when he does decide to bring someone into his life he wants someone who is independant and who isn't the clingy needy type. But as I said I am dying here all I want to do is just simply talk to him in a quiet setting where I can get to know him even better, it makes it harrd that he has no home phone and making plans to meet him would be either going to his place of work and risk putting him on the spot in front of people, calling him at work and risk rejection, or just wait hopelessely every night that I am working that it would be the night he would come in. My mind wants me to go right up there and tell him to meet me outside after he gets out of work but it also tells me that I should just let things stay quiet and leave him alone and see what happens. I do not want to just rush up on him or anything and it has only been 2 days since I have seen him last, who knows-----he may be just waiting for me to go into where he works and mingle like I do once in awhile, I guess I am just at a lost, if it isn't bad enough that us women have to deal with periods and the birthing process but we also have to deal with trying to read a man's mind---Impossible!!! And it is just nerve wracking trying to do it, so my fellow women I come to you with all hopes of good advice*smile*AND "pianoguy" if you are still around, as a guy could you enlighten me a little as well P-L-E-A-S-E *wink*

CIAO,
Betty




Edited 4/15/2006 6:17 pm ET by mackbub
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 8:06pm

<< if it isn't bad enough that us women have to deal with periods and the birthing process but we also have to deal with trying to read a man's mind---Impossible!!! >>

LOL. Ok, but to the point of trying to read a man's mind ... actually, his put his intentions out there as plain as day ... so, there's really no need to read his mind.

He's stated that he's not ready to bring someone new into his life ... he's also toasted to "new friends" ... so, there you have it: he wants to be your friend.

The wanting to "mind read" is most likely wanting to know if he indeed does want something more, or see something more ... but, if I were you, I'd take his word at face value.

In taking it at face value, question for you is: do you want to be just friends? Do you have the ability to be just friends without any expectations or wanting more?

If you CAN be just his friend, you may very well have an opportunity for it to turn into something more.

<< So here it is saturday night and I have been laying off because I do not want to suffocate him or anything, but I am just dying to talk to him again. >>

Resist the urge to contact him. Patience is a virtue. Be busy on your own stuff ... when you see him again, casually ask him if he'd like to grab some coffee or something. You can even toss in a jokingly "not a date, just coffee!" (so that he knows that it's a 'no pressure' situation)

<< I have been throwing around the idea of just meeting him in the parking lot after he gets out of work, or calling him or any one of a million different things but as I said I do not want to make him feel like I am one of those clingy girls that seem to elude the bars. >>

As well, he said that he wasn't interested in a clingy or needy-type ... so, don't be that (with him or anyone ... there's much more chance for success if you can just be cool about things ... regardless of who the guy is ... most respond better to this approach anyway).

<< making plans to meet him would be either going to his place of work and risk putting him on the spot in front of people, calling him at work and risk rejection, or just wait hopelessely every night that I am working that it would be the night he would come in.>>

He said he didn't want you to avoid going to where he works ... and that it doesn't put him on the spot (I wasn't following that part ... what was "on the spot" about it or why you apologized?) ... but, if you do go to where he works, let him approach you.

Do NOT call his work. That would be an unwise move, if there ever was one.

As for him coming into your work ... just don't hope for it to happen and it probably will, ha! You're there to do your job, not to wait for him so you can talk to him ... so, stick to the purpose at hand ... your job ... and if he comes in, bonus!

If you can be just friends, that's the best way to approach things, IMO. If you can't do that without expecting more, then ... you're better off turning your attention somewhere else rather than pining for someone who doesn't want a relationship.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 5:46am

Just letting everyone know that I am going to "take this at face value" I know that he is a very nice person and everything but my biggest mistake has been this--I get too strung up on possibilities and knowing what his current intentions are I think it is best off just doing as I normally do and going to that same bar once every other week with friends and so on. I think that this is a situation that it will have to be up to him if anything was meant to be, I am NOT going to put myself through the ringer as I have in the past and I am sure that persuing someone who isn't ready to be persued is definately my biggest mistake in the past.

So as to my saturday night, a friend called me and wanted me to meet her she needed to talk,(her BF is using her as a doormat) so I met her and then DID end up going to the store where I work anyway to sober up while talking to my co-worker. I was in no condition to make the drive home. And I knew Ben would not be there he has family issues going on right now and needed to be with his brother. So I just went to chill out a little bit, I figured it was the best place to go since it is only a coupls of blocks from the bar my friend and I were at. I just walked there and then walked back to the bar a few minutes ago to get my car----almost 7 hours later--LOL. My co-worker wouldn't let me leave until she knew I was sober*smile*

As far as the putting him on the spot thing----When I offered him my phone number I did it in what now seems to me to be an awkward manner, I asked him in front of a whole table full of people, yes they were all friends but still not the best choice in timing, so I just felt bad for it as I thought about it later.

My mind has been telling me that I need to take the laid back approach and now seeing that someone else thinks the same I am going to do this and just continue on with my life as I have been living it already, I CAN be just friends and I will do just that, and if something were meant to happen then nature will take it's course. My dad always told me never to rush into anything and I am going to listen to dad for once on something and I agree "patience IS virtue" and I am just going to let everything be as it is, God knows I have all sorts of time *smile* 3 years alone so far, I think I can stand it for as long as it takes whether it be Ben or someone else all good things come to those who wait-------RIGHT?

Well time for me to go to sleep now, work comes really quick.
Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:11pm
you have two kids, and he may be reluctant because he knows he would have to accept the whole package. try being honest and open with him, and maybe you'll both find out where you stand. best wishes.