What comes first: love or career?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
What comes first: love or career?
12
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:11pm

I'm going back to school next fall. The program I really want to go to is located in a different city, so I would have to move away to go there. There's another program that's located in my city, but it's definitely not as good.

Meanwhile, I'm in the best relationship of my life right now. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We've had several serious conversations about marriage, children, etc. We both agree we see it going there in the next few years, but we're not officially engaged.

If I moved away, BF could not come with me. It would be career suicide for him to leave right now, and he makes more money than I'm ever going to make in the career I've chosen... We would have to be long distance at least for the next 2 years. I know it would put a huge strain on our relationship, especially with the crazy school schedule I'm going to have.

My heart is telling me to go to the school in my city. I feel like I shouldn't even apply to the school in the other city. There's no guarantee that I would even get accepted there. If I did get accepted and chose not to go, it might make me resent him later on... Is that stupid? What if we don't end up getting married after all? Will I always regret it? I'm so torn right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:25am
if u r serious with this guy then you should definetly stay with speacilly that he makes very good money so even if u had a not very good job he would be able to support u in the future..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:44am

hi vivinny...

PG has one question for you.

If the situation were reversed....and YOU had the career, would your b/f cancel his education (and ambitions) for fear of losing you?

Face it...your b/f is happy where he is! But YOU'VE also got a life! If the relationship between the 2 of you is REALLY SOLID...it should be able to 'stand the test of separation!'

As a single person...you've got the chance to pursue several personal opportunities that aren't always easy to come by after marriage! SO PURSUE 'EM! If your b/f can't accept this and wants to keep you on a leash (in order to hold on to you)...try and imagine what a marriage with this man would be like?

PURSUE YOUR DREAMS.....NOW!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:49am
I agree, would he do the same for you, cancel his dreams and ambitions? if he's worth it and thinks you're worth it, you can survive some time in a long-distance relationship too. if not ..guys will come and go, your dreams are also important. if you don't apply for this program you'll end up resenting him for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:31am

Unless you are married, or engaged with a date, never EVER put your life on hold for a man. Because, let's be real........he could dump you a week after you choose to stay where you are, and now you're stuck (to a point). HE could choose to dump you after you are part ways thru your degree. That's the reality of life.

So, if your r'ship is the BEST BEST BEST, it can handle a 2 year LDR. I know a woman who was LDR with her, now husband, for 6 years. They are happily married, and she's got her PhD and is happy with her career and life. She said it was hard, but it was the best thing for the two of them.

Go for your dreams....because the man of your dreams, may not turn out to be, or other things could happen. But in your own life......you have you. Take care of you and do what is BEST for you. Not him, not the r'ship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 12:27pm
This is a hard call. I'm a pathetic romantic so I would probably stay. I mean it's not like if youstay you throw away your career 100%. you are compromising and isn't that what relationships are about? I mean if your only choice to advance in your career would be to go away I would say yes, go. BUT you can stay and still advance careerwise so why would you leave someone that you want to marry? If your relationshhip is great why jeopardize it? A LDR is a big strain on a relationship! What good is it if in 2 years you have the best career and no love. When you could have a great career and your love. Good luck and keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 3:00pm

Definitely a romantic :) but it's good to hear all sides, cuz I'm thinking, "but what if in two years, she has a degree from a so-so college and no love life either, because he left her long ago? Or he did something to make her leave him?" lol.

Either way. I guess it depends on what she'd regret the most. See, in my life, I've regretted giving up things, that *I* thought was best FOR ME, for a man. So, I would recommend she do what is BEST FOR HER. Because I regret not doing what *I* wanted...more so than losing a guy over doing what I want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 3:17pm

This is in response to inkeddogmom, pianoguy, and ulrika:

Thank you all for the tough love. I completely agree that my first priority should be ME, not US, as long as there's no ring on my finger. I don't know though - you are all making it so black and white! You've exaggerated certain things in order to make it seem like a simpler decision, but the reality is this:

1 - My BF is not some controlling jerk. He knows I'm career-oriented, and that's part of what he loves about me. He will support me, whatever I decide. He would move to the other city with me if the timing were different. It just doesn't make sense right now. He would be giving up far far more than I would gain by moving. If he continues on the career path he's in, he will have more flexibility to move around in 2-3 years, but I don't want to postpone my education that long. He would do an LDR if I told him that's what I want. Is it what I want? That's what I'm not sure about.

2 - My career would not be dead-ended if I went to the school in my city. At all. I would still be at one of the top 5 schools in my field (just not the #1 school). Would I choose the #1 school if he weren't in the picture? Of course. Would that choice have any long-term impact on my career success? Maybe.....

3 - Long distance relationships have their consequences too. I have friends who've chosen the LDR route, and it is exhausting. It serves as a major distraction to their studies. They end up away from campus more often. They miss a lot of the optional activities, meaning less time for networking and sometimes lower grades. So, would being in an LDR have a long-term impact on my career success? Maybe.....

If I really want to do what's BEST for me and my career, what I really need to do is break up with him outright. I'm not going to do that. That means I'm making a sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. How much more of a sacrifice would it be to choose the school in my city? Maybe it would be less of a sacrifice, compared to the distraction of a LDR. It just seems like a very close call to me. That is why I'm so torn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 3:43pm

But what is really BEST FOR ME? That's the question. I'm not a hopeless romantic by any means. I'm just not convinced going to the other city is really best for me. If I could only choose one, I would choose a happy marriage/family over a career. It would be a very close call though. And it's such a gamble. Either way I decide, I could end up with neither, or I could end up with both. Ugh. I wish I could see the future. Any psychics lurking on this messageboard??? LOL

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:35pm

Very good. I like to see that you're throwing it all back in our faces. Why? Because that means you're thinking both good and bad.

First, I'm glad to hear he is willing and very supportive of your decision be it whatever it is.

Second. You need to ask yourself. Would YOU be more distracted if it was an LDR? I would ASSUME, for me, if I had an LDR and I was at school, I'd be more serious, BECAUSE I'd have more time on my hands to do homework, network, get involved, whereas, if I had a guy at home, waiting for me, wanting to see me when he hasn't seen me in two weeks because it's been Dead Week, and is telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I know if he was close by, I'd drop everything and go to him (why do you think it took me 10 years to get my BS, lol. MALE distractions. lol). But, that's me. How easily distracted are you from school, if you don't get to see your man, cuz you have been studying.

And lastly, you did state that the other school, in your area, is "definitely not as good." So that led me to believe one was top 10, the other, was in the hundreds, or something. Like, hmmm....Harvard, or crappy state school. That's what I was thinking....mostly because you wrote DEFINITELY........But if they're both top 5, hells bells, I'd stay home. lol.

Oh one more thing....when *I* say "do what is best FOR YOU" I am not saying, do NOt take your r'ship into consideration, but I am saying....is it in your best interest, to go out of the area for school.....OVERALL, or is it in your best interest to stay where you are? What will you regret more? Not going to the #1 school......or putting your r'ship at risk because you don't feel confident it'll last thru 2 years of LDR (and don't tell me you feel confident, cuz if you did, then it's a choice btwn schools, not r'ship issues).

Time for a pro/con list. I'd break it down by catagories. School pro/con. R'ship pro/con. Personal values pro/con. Etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:39pm

Well, I had to jump in on this one because this is a great topic. What would I choose, well of course it will be the school because that impact will have some to do with my field when I am finish. Am I cynical on relationships, maybe. But, I am a firm believer that anything that is meant to be will be.


I understand not wanting a long distance relationship and the big impact that would be. I have been against them for quite a while. But, here I am going into 6 mos of a long distant one and my thing on not having them is career, not plans on moving, I have children, and on and on. I assume for this moment in time this is a relationship to be because for some fortunate event things have worked out for us to do visits and see each other atleast everyother week and sometimes more.


I am firm in doing what will furthur me career wise first. Because, to be honest when I retire I plan to do it in style. That to me is the biggest thing about working is preparing for that big future before that of family, relationships, etc.


Do what you feel complelled to do but remember a relationship and a bond two people have lasts a lifetime through all types of obstacles but doing things in life that you want and to make you happy is not always there. So if this is a relationship that is meant you both may take a break for school but your paths will cross again.




































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