what to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
what to do??
3
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:51pm

ok everyone...here's something i've been pondering on.. help!!! i can't decide..

Last year in Septemeber i met this guy.. we clicked very quickly and became exclusive in a short time.. i'm 30 and he's 28 -- not that that matters but at this age ppl don't jump into things as quickly...anyway.. we had a lot in common etc.. and liked the same things..however..he was very loud.. something i was ok w/until i brought him around my family/friends... yikes..he was sooo loud and obnoxious..and inadvertently offended ppl..it kind of went downhill from there..i didn't want him around my fam ..thought it was tooo early and it was xmas so naturally we saw e/o less and less..and eventually fought more and more and decided to end things after new years eve which is my bday... we decided we had philisophical differences and that was that..

well 2 weeks ago... we started talking again via MSN and decided to go for dinner to "catch up" and everything was fine..we did the whole "friend" - "non-date" thing.. until we went back to his place..and started watching a movie..we fell back into our comfortable old patterns..and started talking about "us" what went wrong..etc.. we both agreed it was bad timing..but more importantly.. he said that he hasn't met anyone like me..before and since..and he wants to try again..bc he knows he has things he wants to work on/and he wants to try.. i admitted that i am somewhat of a commitmentphobe -- i haven't had a "BF" before him for 3 years..and it was a lot to jump into..ive dated but also been through a lot in the past and am very weary...

we left it as we will date and see where it goes..but already he is in the bf frame of mind...and doing things he used to.. but on best behaviour..i can't help but wonder how long that will last..and i'm worried that i'm doing the wrong thing by giving this a chance again... although i like him.i've always believed in an ex is an ex for a reason..and u don't get back together..what makes this hard too is that we didn't break up for one particular reason..like cheating etc.. so the animosity is not really there.......

neway..that's how i feel..any advice is appreciated..i am just so confused!!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: specialk1975
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 4:32pm

It sounds to me like you broke up essentially because you are not compatible in a way that is (apparently) important to you (his loud behavior). I think you owe it to him to TELL him that, because he deserves to know that unless he changes that aspect of himself, the relationship isn't going to work this time around either. Does he know the specifics, or not? It's not clear from your post.

A good question to ask yourself would be, if he *does* change that aspect of himself, would you still have doubts about him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: specialk1975
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 7:25pm

I agree with NWW. It think you owe it to him to explain about the obnoxious loud behaviour. If you don't discuss it, then it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

I remember long ago when a boyfriend pointed out some of my own obnoxious behaviour. He was quite right and I was mortified. But I accepted what he said and made a concerted effort to change (and I think I've done quite well - with only the odd slip).

If he can accept what you say and agree that he was out of line, then you've got a good chance of it changing. However, if he disagrees and can't recognise it - then his denial should be a dealbreaker.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: specialk1975
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 8:30am

I wonder if he CAN do anything about it. He may have grown up in a cultural group in which loud, obnoxious (to you) behavior was the norm. He may feel that he's being free and friendly when he displays this behavior.

If so, of course, the two of you are not a match, and you both need to look for other companions. It's just that you shouldn't feel that he has rejected you if he chooses his cultural imperative over yours.