What do I do?
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| Sun, 10-30-2005 - 5:48pm |
I need advice in the worst way, I don't think I am in the right frame of mind right now to make any decision.
To make a long story short -- here goes
I fell in love with a man whom I adore to death. The relationship started off as a "friends with benefits" type of deal. After a few months it was he who confessed he wanted more from the relationship and put himself way out there with me.
We never did become a couple, as he moved away for a year to pursue his career. But the thing is, we are still madly in love with one another even 6 months later -- which brings us almost up to date.
Here is my problem.... we talk on the phone, we write notes online, we are serious about each other and all the good stuff. BUT, not long after he left, he posted something online that broke my heart. IT was him saying that he made out with another girl. (keep in mind we are not a couple but will be considering it later)
I didn't read this until months later and now I'm having trouble making up my mind on the relationship. Had I read this when it was posted, I don't think I would even be speaking to him. But seeing as it was months after the fact, I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I even have the right to be pissed off because we aren't an item. He wants to be, in a bad way, but I don't know if the trust is there anymore. My heart is aching in the worst way, I'm so confused as what to do.
He knows only that I read something, and not the details. He knows what I'm talking about, and now I dont know which way to turn.
What do I do? Do I keep true to myself and do what I would have done had I read it when it happened... and for the record, I don't even know if it's true. He says he hasn't been with anyone.
Sorry for the confusion, but any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

lust-for-lust...
Pianoguy thinks it's difficult for 2 people who have enjoyed a FWB relationship to suddenly switch to one that's more permanent? The idea isn't IMPOSSIBLE, but probably UNLIKELY.
What complicates things is the fact that the man you "adore to death" had no reservations about seeing (and I presume sleeping with) another woman? Even if your b/f told you tomorrow that YOU WERE THE ONLY WOMAN WHO MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM...there would still be a 'seed or two of doubt' inside your head?
So I guess you have a choice? Accept the gentleman for who he is and what he says (and does)....or...take a few months off so he can decide if YOU are truly the woman he wants to spend his life with?
Pianoguy
My two cents. If you can't forget what he did, then leave him alone. Why? Because, you two weren't a couple, regardless of your feelings, and he did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Therefore, if you can't forget it and if you think you'd hold it against him, then you can't truly love him either.
Honestly, love has nothing to do with "if he made out" with someone or not. In all honesty, if HE can have a FWB, that just means he can have sex w/o emotional attachment. Which means, even if he's got feelings for you, he could easily sleep with someone else, if you're not together.
I don't think, for one minute, what he did was cheating, nor is it a sign that he WOULD cheat on you or betray you. You weren't in a committed r'ship, heck, you weren't in a r'ship. So don't judge him over something that wasn't there (a r'ship, cheating, etc).
However, I'd probably figure out if I can forgive and forget. And if I could, I'd call him up and talk to him about becoming bf/gf and having a r'ship, or pursuing one.
My xbf did the same thing to me. He was hitting on women while we had just decided to stop dating and be friends. Well, he was also lying to me about it. However, I accepted that at the time, I had NO RIGHT to his life, he was free to do whatever he wanted. In the following 3 years of our r'ship, I never ONCE brought it up ever again. I let it go. And we continued to have a r'ship, that didn't revolve around what he did. Actually, it never came up again, and I know he'd never cheat on me ever.
So, it's time to ask yourself. Can you forget? Do you realize he didn't betray you at all? Can you let it go? If not....then let HIM go. Because you have no right to hold somethign against him, that he didn't do (meaning cheat). However, if you can, then I'd pursue him, before you lose him.
Thanks you guys/gals for your advice.
I realize that it is hard to give advice especially when only given a brief rundown of the details.
I don't and have never considered what he did as "cheating". It was just such a shock to me. Our r'ship is great and it's open and honest. We had agreed that if we were involved with others in a more serious way, we would let the other know. Thing is, we're only interested in each other.
It's my ego that is bruised and my heart broken over learning about it.
Of course I can let it go as I'm not so innocent myself. My problem comes in where I only find out months later. I didn't know how to deal with it because as said before, I don't know if I would have been talking to him during the time I didn't know--had I known... sorry for the confusing circles I'm writing.
The friends with benefits thing was more of a game. Instead of dating and/or making things more official, we played around and then fell in love. He was the one who wanted alot more and he still feels that way. I wonder if maybe the "make-out" session was him just missing me, trying to replace me??
I can and will eventually let it go, but do I let him go with it? When he left we were still serious about each other, and so that's why I was so hurt. I told him I didn't want to hear him talk about it, it really was none of my business.
I have a decision to make, and I think I'd be better off to just play things as they happen.
If you don't mind me asking, but I am totally and utterly confused about what EXACTLY is going on between you two.
You said, "We had agreed that if we were involved with others in a more serious way, we would let the other know. Thing is, we're only interested in each other."
But then later you say, "When he left we were still serious about each other, and so that's why I was so hurt."
When he left, were you two dating exclusively? Was there any talking about that? You said you were still serious about each other, but then, why would you agree to tell each other if you're serious with someone else. It makes me think, that there was a lot of assuming on your side (if not his too), about what TRULY the r'ship was.
So, I wonder......what is the r'ship now? Are you two dating? Seeing each other? in a r'ship at all? or are you two just FRIENDS, that have a THING for each other, but ARE NOT pursuing it?
Honestly. I think you two need to talk and figure out what you BOTH want and stop beating aroudn the bush, and stop playing games. I mean, here you are, hurt over somethign that happened, but in the way you write it, he could have a r'ship anyways with someone else, the only thing he failed to do was tell you about it (but seeing as how it wasn't a serious r'ship, he didn't have to).
If you two are still as head over heels over each other, WHAT is keeping you from making a commitment to each other? Why aren't you two together in an exclusive committed r'ship?
Yes, beating around the bush is what's going on. He left and is on a career path. My reluctance to interfere with that is holding me back from a more committed r'ship. That and the distance. It is not he who has the problem. (and me moving was not an option)
He had left within weeks after taking a job thousands of miles away, leaving things unfinished. It's hard to sort through the feelings when we're so far apart.
We agreed to telleach other of "potential others" because it was only fair. We are very good friends and want teh best for each other. It's really hard to get into the details in a post.
The distance is what's keeping us from a committed r'ship. He does want more, but now I'm faced with this issue of him and another woman. It jsut changes what I think of him, not how I feel for him. There is now a crack in what I thought was perfect. Woe is me.
Right now the plan is to get together when he's around again, we are both not seeing anyone as of right now, and aren't looking for others. He'll be back next summer, and so I have alot of time to think.
I honestly think it's time for some soul searching for yourself. Because if you felt he was perfect, then you're not being real with yourself. If you're not sure about WHO he is, just because he kissed someone else, while you two don't even have a r'ship, you're kidding yourself.
You're living in a fantasy world, and unfortunately, reality is coming thru. Had you been realistic about the situation, in heart and head, you probably wouldn't have had to deal with any of this.
I cna understand the distance being a problem. I guess, you need to ask yourself. Do you want a r'ship with him, even though he's far away, and who konws where you'll both be in a year from now....or do you want him in your life, as more than a friend, regardless of what may happen.
For myself. I wouldn't get involved in an LDR, but that's me. And I wouldn't get involved for sure, if there were no plans of him moving back to where I am. AGain, that's just me. You need to figure out what you want. Because you can't pretend he's more than a friend, when he's not. And you can't be a friend, if you want more, or if you get hurt because he's seeing other ppl (understandable, but that's not a friend).
It seems like you're holding onto the HOPE that he'll come back, or that he'll remain chaste until he can return to you. I know it's what you want, it's what I'd want, but you need to start being honest with yourself.
Good luck. Hugs. I know it's hard, but it's time.
That is a question I'd like answered myself. But seeing how it was in fact none of my business, I have no right to ask.
On the other hand, it kind of is because of the "non-relationship" we have. I don't know if I have the right to ask. I don't know if it what was wrote was even true, but the fact remains that it WAS wrote,and at a time when my heart was breaking.
Right now, it's not something we discuss. I honestly don't know if I want to know the details. What I'm having trouble with is deciding if it's something I can get over, if it's going to rear it's ugly head sometime in the future... and as I wrote in a previous post, would I even be speaking with him now if I had known months ago. That is what I'm having the most trouble with.
The details are a little too personal to post online, (this I have learned), and so i can't get into what was wrote, but it was that he had made out with another girl, in a very short time after we had last seen each other. I was absolutely stunned and know for a fact I wouldnt be on friendly terms with him if I had found out then.
This is at least 4 months later and now my mind is playing with me, wondering this and that.