What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
What do I do?
2
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 8:16pm

Hi,

I've been reading on this board for a little bit now. I'd like some advice on my own situation if anyone would be willing.

Last year I split up from a very abusive relationship. I've since been sharing an apartment with a friend of my ex. Ok my ex's only friend. Strangely, it is the safest place for me to be. This fellow helped me through all the pain of the separation and the lies and violence that were going on at the time.

In the past year we've discussed just about everything - our goals, wants, etc. for our futures. Most of our philosophies regarding life are very similar. We both want children at some point in our lives - sooner rather than later - and have similar ideas about how children should be raised.

He does very sweet things for me such as cooking dinner unexpectedly, he'll call if he's going to be out unusually late or overnight, making coffee, we go on outings to movies and whatnot that he calls our "date days", and says very sweet things. For example recently he told me that I am the kindest, most thoughtful, and sweetest person he knows. Once recently I was so very ill and he'd been out all night. I was too ill to pick up my prescription from the dr that I'd seen the night before. Even though he was up all night and it was now after 9am he still went out to get me a few things plus my prescription. I told him it would be perfectly fine to wait until after he'd had a nap, but he insisted.

One thing he said recently sort of took me by surprise. His last girlfriend was MUCH younger than him - more than 10 yrs. He swore that he'd never date another younger woman. Lately he's been saying well... if she were 28-29 (he's 34) that would be ok. I'm 28 right now.

We seem to have a rather strong bond as well in that even if we haven't actually seen one another yet that day we're still able to read "vibes" from the other person. For instance if one of us is in a bad mood or having a tough time for some reason the other will almost instinctually know. It's very strange.

A while ago he went through a bad break up of his own. He's been on the hunt for a new girlfriend and has said things that hint toward us, but I really don't know how to read him. He also seems to cover his tracks fairly shortly after with a comment about someone else he has met. Just this weekend I had a friend from out of town visit for the weekend. This friend is a bit of a slut and was flashing skin and telling him her secret sex tales. It was quite offensive really. Also, she knows how I am feeling right now about my roommate - not sure if this friend will continue to be a part of my life from now on I'm so fuming over this. Anyway... the next day after she left he asked me if he would be "safe with her". I was so shocked and stunned that I just kind of laughed and didn't really answer. He's gone away for a couple of days now and I won't have a chance to talk with him since.

It drives me crazy that he's sending such mixed signals! Or perhaps he was just asking if she considered him acceptable as a friend to me 'cause they haven't met previously. I'm not really sure. I had another friend down not long ago who was also hitting on him hard and he didn't even realize it so I'm not sure. I just wish I had had the chance to have a fuller conversation with him before he left.

What do you think? Am I reading too much into this man? Or is it possible he is into me and just not ready to take that step or perhaps he's afraid of me rejecting him? I've been trying very hard to do nice little things for him - having supper cooking as he comes home at night, leave him little notes if I'll be out for a while, invite him with my friends, invite him to go to events with me, etc.
Help!!! I really enjoy this man's company and would very much like for things to move further. What should I do? I don't want to jump ahead if there's nothing there and ruin this wonderful living arrangement and friendship that I have right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:13pm

Well, far be it for me to offer any golden advice, I have enough problems of my own. But a fe things:

1) Approach him about it. Be relaxed, don't corner him, and above all, don't make him feel obligated to anything.

2) Wait for him to approach you (but that seems to be your current tactic....).

3) Move out on your own (or with another roomate), and then figure it out. The close quarters may be what are driving you to feel so strongly.

Personally, I would wait until your head clears a bit. Try not to stress yourself out about it. Ask yourself if this is what you really want or is it simply a temporary infatuation. If you come out in the end thinking you should go for it. Then by all means, make your move girl! The worst that can happen is a "no" and although it would sting, it won't kill you.

And if you never ask, how will you ever know, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:19pm
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I have decided to give him a little more time. After my last relationship where I was the one to make the approach I'm a little gunshy - it turned out to be a very violent and abusive relationship. Not that I think this man would in any way be like that - in fact I know that he's not because I know several of his ex's with whom he remains friends with all of them. Also, my other reason for giving him more time is because it seems he has been building momentum in his gestures and words. It started out very subtle and here & there. Now it's much more frequently and rather overt. It's almost like he's building up to it. Moving out is just not an option in my current financial situation. Plus... even if he's not interested, he's still a fantastic person to live with and be around.
I appreciate your thoughts on it! Thanks so much for listening.
Cyn