WHAT DO I DO????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
WHAT DO I DO????
6
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 3:39pm

Hey everyone!
Well, I think I'm in a bit of hot water here...and I'd like to know how you guys think that I should go about solving this little problem...I started seeing this guy about 8 months ago. Lets call him Sam, just for privacy purposes- We started out as friends but we quickly began to realize how much we really liked each other. However, the problem is that he's currently about a million miles away. I live in Arizona and he lives in London. So for now, this is a long distance relationship. I won't be able to see him until June of next year. Because of this, we have also made promises to each other that we would remain single until we can see each other, and if things work out, then I'll be moving to London, and I'll be living with him and his family. So even tho there is currently a great distance between us, there are definately some serious thoughts of commitment going through our heads...I didn't think there would be anything that could possibly go wrong...
A few weeks ago I made a new friend. Lets call him- Tim...Tim and I talked online for a while and sent e-mails back and forth. And then we talked on the phone for a bit- and he seemed like a really nice guy. So, we decided to meet. Once I met him, he was very sweet- but VERY nervous...and he was a very ....DIFFERENT kind of guy. Lets just say that his is the complete OPPOSITE of everything I would usually go for in a guy....However, strangely enough- I kinda liked him. He does do some things that I find somewhat annoying...but I try my best to look past that- because he does mean well...And, I won't go into details but I also discovered that- he had a very rough childhood- which me be contributing to the way he is...Anywayz- we started just going out on casual dates....However, even tho I was starting to really like the guy- I felt very guilty. Tim was well aware of Sam and the situation between us- however, Sam doesn't know about Tim. I've been too afraid to tell him. AND to top it all off- as I've been going out with Tim, I've developed even stronger feelings for Sam that I didn't realize I had- and/ or just became a lot stronger. I feel as tho I am making a mistake. I'm breaking my promise....Tim really likes me- and he wants to make things serious- but I feel like I'm going against my heart somehow...Tim is extremely sensitive and I've tried to break it off with him as delicately as I could- but he just won't let it go. He's very clingy...and he's asked me to not completely "write him off"...and although I felt I knew that that was what I had to do- I told him that I wouldn't and that I would take some time to think about it a little more. I do miss spending time with Tim...however- I don't know if somehow I am more attracted to him than I realize I am- or if I simply enjoy the feeling of having a male companion around while Sam isn't here...I love Sam more than anything- and I would do everything for him. When I imagine what the rest of my life will be- Sam is always there. I'm with him...but at the same time...I somehow feel a little attatched to Tim...What do I do??? ...I know that I can't be with both (or can I?)Sam has told me that because of the distance, its ok if I want to date someone else- But I can't bring myself to do it...When I make a promise to someone- its like I don't just make it to THEM, I make it to myself also...I'm so confused on how to go about this...Should I give Tim more of a chance?- Or just write him off completely and just be friends? Do I have to tell Sam what's happenned??? I know that by choosing one over the other- I risk losing the one I turned down forever...however- what if somewhere down the road I realize I've made a mistake? Then what do I do?...Grrr! I need help!!!

<3 callmenaive

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 3:52pm

Quick question before I try to answer...have you actually MET Sam in person, and if so, how much time have you spent together in person?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 4:01pm

No, I haven't met Sam in person. We talk every day- for as long as we can- we can see each other on cam- I've met some family and seen family photos and always up to date on everything that goes on over there...so even tho we haven't met in person, we have seen each other and know each other quite well...

<3 callmenaive

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 4:06pm

Ok, in that case, I think you should definitely re-think your agreement with Sam about not dating other people, because no matter how much time you've spent talking, you don't really *know* someone until you've spent time with them in person. Why put your life on hold until June of next year...almost another *year* from now?

Tim may not be the guy for you...but in the meantime, you should be open to dating others.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 4:14pm

...I understand what you're saying- and I've heard it before- But I just don't understand how to get over that feeling of guilt- like I'm going against something that I really want. How can I get over that to ALLOW MYSELF to even be remotely open to seeing other people?- And none of this is Sam's fault by the way- I don't want people thinking that he goes and puts the guilt trip on me- Sam doesn't even know about this...I just don't know how what to do about this...

<3 callmenaive

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 4:18pm

By thinking realistically and practically. Dating other people doesn't mean that you're closing the door on Sam...if it's meant to be, it'll work out. It just means that you're being realistic about the chances of it working out, and making the most of your life NOW as opposed to how your life might be in the future.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 6:40pm

Guilt is a byproduct of feeling like you've done something wrong. Now, ask yourself ... have you really done anything wrong? IMO, no ... Sam has told you that it's ok to date other people ... however, it's your heart that is placing this guilt on you. It sounds like your heart is with Sam. If you want to relieve that feeling, let Tim go ... just be friends with him ... if that is what feels most comfortable to you ... and let Sam know that you've met this guy, Tim, and that you're friends ... but, that you want him to know about Tim because you want to keep everything 'out in the open' ... know what I mean?

As for trying to end things with Tim and his reluctance to let it go ... you're going to have to do what's best for you ... it doesn't sound like Tim is the guy for you, either ... so, I'd say, the best you can do ... is offer your friendship to him ... and if he cannot respect that, well then ... Tim isn't all that great of a friend. Friends respect each other's wishes. Friends don't force themselves into each other's lives. It sounds like there are some boundaries to set with Tim. It's up to you do that.

Ok, as for Sam ... proceed with caution, ok? You haven't met him face to face, you haven't yet interacted in each other's lives ... you may BELIEVE you know each other well ... but, take this at face value: YOU DON'T. You cannot truly know someone if you haven't been able to interact in their life. You may not like hearing that, but ... it is what it is.

As for moving there, my gosh ... that's HUGE! At the very least, plan a long vacation ... perhaps, take a month ... and spend it with him London before you make a committment to moving there. Have you ever been to London? It's as opposite from Arizona as any two places can possibly be. Even with spending some concerted time together, moving seems like an awfully huge step to take ... all the way around the world for someone whom you haven't met yet.

Lastly, moving to London and moving in with him ... please do not think that living together is a commitment. It's not. You would be VERY wise to take this VERY slowly. Uprooting your life to live with a man whom you don't have a formal commitment with is a HUGE gamble. This is your life. Think it through carefully ... weigh the FACTS against your feelings. Right now, you've got a lot of feelings for this guy, Sam ... but, you don't know the FACTS of his life. Phone conversations alone cannot accomplish this.

I hope this helps.