What do I do About This GUY????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
What do I do About This GUY????????
8
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:33pm
Okay ,I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice,,Alot of you agreed that he's just in it for the sex..Let me point something out since he broke it off with me he has made no move on me what so ever...He said he wanted to take things alotr slower..What do I get out of this??If you have to go read "I Need Advice" please do cuz this ties into that one..You see his ex use to call him alot and everyone time I knew it was her because he would leave the room and act all secretive..Do you think he may be stringing me along and keeping me on the back burnner while at the same time be trying to hook back up with his ex...I mean he slept with her 2 months prior to me meeting him..She's remarried by the way..He says he only did it to that guy because he did it to him and it was like pay back..Do you believe this or do you think he still really has feelings for his ex though to this day he denys it????Please help...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:48pm

To me, it wouldn't matter whether he has feelings for his ex or not...I wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that he slept with a woman *he knew was married*, regardless of the circumstances. That tells me that his values are not compatible with mine, and that's a dealbreaker for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:32pm

Who cares what he feels and for who?!?

He treated you badly. Quit making excuses for him or excuses to wait around on the "back burner". You deserve better.

Apologies for the bluntness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 9:12am

I'm with lesleylou. Do you really think this is the guy for you or are you just pursuing him becasue he's what's most accessible at the moment?

I think most of us do that. We kind of put blinders on when a guy shows interest in us. We kind of forget how many other options there are out there and instead of focusing on whether or not this is the right guy for us we focus on the guy that's easiest to get to.

Human nature tends to drive us to go with the path of least resistence, the shortest distance between two locations... I think that's what he really is to you. The shortest distance between you being single and you being part of a couple. Going back out and looking more requires more effort, offers more resistence, then just riding this out and seeing what happens.

I have a feeling, the fact that he probably isn't right for you is taking a back seat because he's easy to get to.

Just remember most of the time life rewards you more when you take a chance on yourself and DON'T go with the path of least resistance and when you DON'T take the easy way out. More often then not, it's been my experience that the road less traveled ends up being the more rewarding trip... "Life responds when we risk." - Rodney Smith from "Lessons from the Dying"

Just my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:09pm
Your advice is really good,But you see I have such a weakness when it comes to issues of the heart..Normally when I fall I fall really hard.It's not like I fall easy either..iF yOU HAVE'NT READ MY OTHER ONE ABOUT i nEED aDVICE dESPERATELY PLEASE DO THAT EXPLAINS IT A LITTLE MORE...This situation and the circumstances under the way we met is just way to strange..PLEASE BE HONEST ON YOUR OPINION WITH THIS OKAY! I use to take my daughter down to the pool almost everyday...This one day I noticed this guy sitting there while I was in the pool playing with my daughter and there was like this draw..Not a sexual oh my god I want his bod draw no it was deeper almost spiritual..Well anyways he ended up walking by where my daughter and I were and i was floatintg on my daughters raft and he made the comment of is'nt that suppose to be for her? And i was like yeah but I am using it.Anyways laiter that day I seen him talking to this girl when we had come back down after dinner..I GOT JELOUS!!!I mean isin't that retarded?? IT IS I KNOW you don't have to tell me.I was thinking to myself as we left God thats so stupid I don't even know this guy,Knock it off,I have no reason to be feeling this way how dumb yah know...Well laiter that night a couple guy friends of mine were sitting on their balcony drinking a few beers..And I had just got done telling my friend Eric about the guy at the pool and how I was drawn to him in a way I had never felt before and as soon as I got done saying that The guy came walking up to the porch,How weird is that..I thought fate??? Maybe what do you get out of this???????Please tell me...Thanks Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 5:44pm
I think that you can be drawn to someone spiritually or through chemistry but that doesn't mean that you 2 are compatible. There are so many aspects in a relationship that have to work to make it a happy one (too many I believe lol). I have felt drawn to or lusted after men in the past but they weren't the right ones for me. I know it seems like coincidence but sometimes coincidence doesn't lead you to the right one either. I think I'm just a realist since I've had so many relationship/dating experiences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 4:06am
Hello, thats dangerous. knowing he slept with her 2 months b4 meeting you is to close to call which defenitely means he could be doing it or could do it and that she is to much in his life which is never good.Remember he found that woman attractive and probably still does which means he might not be ready for a commited relationship. he talks to her secretly which means hes hiding things and is not being 100% honest if you ask certain questions. his morals are pretty shot to hell especially knowing that she is married which means he might not care to much about the faithful aspect of a relationship which is very important bc you do not want to be in relationship where the one you love is cheating on you or has great potential to do so bc of how he feels towards it. he obviously doesnt have much respect for you or he wouldnt be talking to her all privately whats the point of that? and its not only his ex what if he meets a girl hes attracted to and states thats just his friend just seeing his actions now show that he might act like that to you in the future. its dangerous and i suggest you be careful with this guy he might not be taking you as serious as you would like him to be. and he might really hurt you. You need to talk to him, state that you feel extremely uncomfortable that he is still talking to his ex and not only that but u feel hes disrespecting you by talking to her in private what are you to him? is he taking you serious? what do both of you want out of this relationship? what do both of you feel a relationship should consist of? and is it in your relationship as we speak? it does not seem like it just from his actions. I would not feel i could trust him and without that theres no respect without that theres no love at least not true love. just always remember "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS". put into perspective what you are seeing him do to you your eyes and ears do not lie its how your brain interprets it. listen to the voices in your head that might be telling you hes not right for you.wish you the best
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:17am

You said you wanted my honest opinion so I'm going to give it to you, but you may not like it a lot. Before I say this I also want to mention that the reason I think this is the case is becasue I remember very clearly a time in my life when I was not so different from you and things I'm suggesting to you are things I discovered about myself.

I think you are ALLOWING yourself to be weak. You are making excuses like saying it's "fate" or that you don't "normally" fall easily to excuse behavior you know is not good for you or your daughter and ALLOW yourself to entertain the thought of persuing a realtionhsip you KNOW, deep down, is bad for you. I don't know how quickly or easily you have fallen for other men, but if this is your idea of not falling easily it's a joke.

You are ALLOWING your hormones and your emotions (i.e., fear, loneliness, need for companionship) to get the better of you and mess with your, probably, normally sound judgement.

I think you are doing a very normal, human thing and mistaking attraction for something more. You're creating excuses, and seeing "signs" where are there are none so you can justify doing something you know is stupid and self-dustructive. Instead of making excuses for your desire, acknoweldge it so you can be smart about it.

Soooooo many women do exactly what you are doing and I used to do. WE are brought up all our lives that we aren't supposed to have sex until we are married and that the Earth would stop rotating on its axis if we had sex with a man we didn't love. So, instead of being smart and acknowledging that we too are sexual creatures and have desires, we tell ourselves lies and try to create false intimacy, false love, false hope of a good relationship... all so we can forgive ourselves for wanting to screw some hot guy's brains out.

I mean seriously, do you REALLY believe the reason that you slept with this man is because of a spirtual connection you felt before you knew anything about him or had in fact even spoken? Seriously? If you do, remove the thought from your head right now. That's just more silly crap planted in your head in your youth about, fate and romance and love and fairy tales and it's all a bunch of crap. You are an adult woman with a child. You can no longer afford to carry around the misguided dreams of a teenager.

Keep in mind, I am a very romantic person. I just don't buy the bull any more. I have accepted my sexual nature and no longer let my desire or my emotional needs control me or cause me to make bad choices. In fact I'm getting married in three weeks to a man I am madly in love with and believe I have found real-life happpily ever after, but I never once after I met him allowed myself to think it was "fate" or some other romantic mysterious thing that brought us together.

We met at Lavalife Intimate Encounters weeding through all the freaky people to find someone we could hang out with and have sex with. Neither of us looking for anything serious or love. But after three dates I realized that this was going to be about dating not FWB and I was okay with that. After six weeks we became exclusive and after three months he moved in with me. A month later we knew we wanted to get married and amazingly he brought it up first. I am still completely, totally in love with him after living together about 15 months.

But we wouldn't be together today if we hadn't both gotten practical about love. I'm 34, he's 32 and neither of us has ever bene married, but we've both had a few serious relationships. WE learned from those past experience to find what worked for us. We are very much in love, but our relationship also makes sense. We are compatible and have talked about all kinds of major life choices, our philosphies and approaches to life and problem solving. We are two kindred spirits if ever such a thing existed.

But neither of us looked at each other and thought, "Oh my I have spirtual connection with this person I must have sex with them and get married." We took a little time to get to know each other, talk, and deal with the baggage we had left from other relationships, childhood etc. We are grownups. We don't make decisions based JUST on feelings or spiritual connections or attraction. If we hadn't been compatible and able to trust each other we wouldn't be together.

It's time for YOU to start acting like a grownup and stop making trite excuses for your bad decisions. We all make bad choices, and be kind and forgive ourselves for them; but, if we make excuses for them instead of accepting responsibility for them and learning from them we are doomed to continue repeating them.

You obviously aren't with your daughter's father any longer. Do you really think you didn't feel a connection with him too at one time, that you didn't ALLOW yourself to be swept away in that moment as well? You clearly didn't make a smart choice for yourself with that relationship, why do you suppose that was? Do you want to make the same mistake? Look at your past, learn from it, mold yourself into someone stronger and smarter who will make better choices and not be so weak when it comes to issues of the heart, that's just an excuse for being foolish.

It is not your NATURE to be foolish or to be weak when it comes to men. IT IS YOUR CHOICE to do so and you CAN be different if you really WANT to be.

We all do it, it's human, it's normal, but don't let yourself KEEP doing, wise up. You owe it to yourself and your little girl.

That's MY opinion, for whatever it's worth...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:59pm
Honest is as honest does... let him go if he comes back and acts ina honest way... hes your man... you derserve more than questioning crap all the time... dont settle...there are many fish in the sea and what makes me a little mad is men really GET that and women are soooo in a rush to nail one down, they dont seem to. Any GOOD woman deserves to be worked for.