What do I do About This GUY????????
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What do I do About This GUY????????
| Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:33pm |
Okay ,I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice,,Alot of you agreed that he's just in it for the sex..Let me point something out since he broke it off with me he has made no move on me what so ever...He said he wanted to take things alotr slower..What do I get out of this??If you have to go read "I Need Advice" please do cuz this ties into that one..You see his ex use to call him alot and everyone time I knew it was her because he would leave the room and act all secretive..Do you think he may be stringing me along and keeping me on the back burnner while at the same time be trying to hook back up with his ex...I mean he slept with her 2 months prior to me meeting him..She's remarried by the way..He says he only did it to that guy because he did it to him and it was like pay back..Do you believe this or do you think he still really has feelings for his ex though to this day he denys it????Please help...

To me, it wouldn't matter whether he has feelings for his ex or not...I wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that he slept with a woman *he knew was married*, regardless of the circumstances. That tells me that his values are not compatible with mine, and that's a dealbreaker for me.
Sheri
Who cares what he feels and for who?!?
He treated you badly. Quit making excuses for him or excuses to wait around on the "back burner". You deserve better.
Apologies for the bluntness.
I'm with lesleylou. Do you really think this is the guy for you or are you just pursuing him becasue he's what's most accessible at the moment?
I think most of us do that. We kind of put blinders on when a guy shows interest in us. We kind of forget how many other options there are out there and instead of focusing on whether or not this is the right guy for us we focus on the guy that's easiest to get to.
Human nature tends to drive us to go with the path of least resistence, the shortest distance between two locations... I think that's what he really is to you. The shortest distance between you being single and you being part of a couple. Going back out and looking more requires more effort, offers more resistence, then just riding this out and seeing what happens.
I have a feeling, the fact that he probably isn't right for you is taking a back seat because he's easy to get to.
Just remember most of the time life rewards you more when you take a chance on yourself and DON'T go with the path of least resistance and when you DON'T take the easy way out. More often then not, it's been my experience that the road less traveled ends up being the more rewarding trip... "Life responds when we risk." - Rodney Smith from "Lessons from the Dying"
Just my two cents.
You said you wanted my honest opinion so I'm going to give it to you, but you may not like it a lot. Before I say this I also want to mention that the reason I think this is the case is becasue I remember very clearly a time in my life when I was not so different from you and things I'm suggesting to you are things I discovered about myself.
I think you are ALLOWING yourself to be weak. You are making excuses like saying it's "fate" or that you don't "normally" fall easily to excuse behavior you know is not good for you or your daughter and ALLOW yourself to entertain the thought of persuing a realtionhsip you KNOW, deep down, is bad for you. I don't know how quickly or easily you have fallen for other men, but if this is your idea of not falling easily it's a joke.
You are ALLOWING your hormones and your emotions (i.e., fear, loneliness, need for companionship) to get the better of you and mess with your, probably, normally sound judgement.
I think you are doing a very normal, human thing and mistaking attraction for something more. You're creating excuses, and seeing "signs" where are there are none so you can justify doing something you know is stupid and self-dustructive. Instead of making excuses for your desire, acknoweldge it so you can be smart about it.
Soooooo many women do exactly what you are doing and I used to do. WE are brought up all our lives that we aren't supposed to have sex until we are married and that the Earth would stop rotating on its axis if we had sex with a man we didn't love. So, instead of being smart and acknowledging that we too are sexual creatures and have desires, we tell ourselves lies and try to create false intimacy, false love, false hope of a good relationship... all so we can forgive ourselves for wanting to screw some hot guy's brains out.
I mean seriously, do you REALLY believe the reason that you slept with this man is because of a spirtual connection you felt before you knew anything about him or had in fact even spoken? Seriously? If you do, remove the thought from your head right now. That's just more silly crap planted in your head in your youth about, fate and romance and love and fairy tales and it's all a bunch of crap. You are an adult woman with a child. You can no longer afford to carry around the misguided dreams of a teenager.
Keep in mind, I am a very romantic person. I just don't buy the bull any more. I have accepted my sexual nature and no longer let my desire or my emotional needs control me or cause me to make bad choices. In fact I'm getting married in three weeks to a man I am madly in love with and believe I have found real-life happpily ever after, but I never once after I met him allowed myself to think it was "fate" or some other romantic mysterious thing that brought us together.
We met at Lavalife Intimate Encounters weeding through all the freaky people to find someone we could hang out with and have sex with. Neither of us looking for anything serious or love. But after three dates I realized that this was going to be about dating not FWB and I was okay with that. After six weeks we became exclusive and after three months he moved in with me. A month later we knew we wanted to get married and amazingly he brought it up first. I am still completely, totally in love with him after living together about 15 months.
But we wouldn't be together today if we hadn't both gotten practical about love. I'm 34, he's 32 and neither of us has ever bene married, but we've both had a few serious relationships. WE learned from those past experience to find what worked for us. We are very much in love, but our relationship also makes sense. We are compatible and have talked about all kinds of major life choices, our philosphies and approaches to life and problem solving. We are two kindred spirits if ever such a thing existed.
But neither of us looked at each other and thought, "Oh my I have spirtual connection with this person I must have sex with them and get married." We took a little time to get to know each other, talk, and deal with the baggage we had left from other relationships, childhood etc. We are grownups. We don't make decisions based JUST on feelings or spiritual connections or attraction. If we hadn't been compatible and able to trust each other we wouldn't be together.
It's time for YOU to start acting like a grownup and stop making trite excuses for your bad decisions. We all make bad choices, and be kind and forgive ourselves for them; but, if we make excuses for them instead of accepting responsibility for them and learning from them we are doomed to continue repeating them.
You obviously aren't with your daughter's father any longer. Do you really think you didn't feel a connection with him too at one time, that you didn't ALLOW yourself to be swept away in that moment as well? You clearly didn't make a smart choice for yourself with that relationship, why do you suppose that was? Do you want to make the same mistake? Look at your past, learn from it, mold yourself into someone stronger and smarter who will make better choices and not be so weak when it comes to issues of the heart, that's just an excuse for being foolish.
It is not your NATURE to be foolish or to be weak when it comes to men. IT IS YOUR CHOICE to do so and you CAN be different if you really WANT to be.
We all do it, it's human, it's normal, but don't let yourself KEEP doing, wise up. You owe it to yourself and your little girl.
That's MY opinion, for whatever it's worth...