What to do next....
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What to do next....
| Sun, 02-26-2006 - 11:27am |
A little background first - recently divorced (will be final 3/06/06), moved out of home (w/ ex) 12/31/05 and met this guy who I've now been dating for two months, 12/31/05. Didn't plan on meeting someone and getting so attached so quickly. Things have been going really well for only knowing each other for such a short time. You would think we've been together for longer than two months by how much we've shared emotionally and physically. Anyway, Fri night he came over to hang out. During the course of the night (5 hours) I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself so by the time we went to bed I was pretty loopy. Yeah, not a good thing. In my defense, I do not usually drink a whole bottle of wine, in one setting. When in bed I remember joking/laughing. At some point I said something, that I can't remember, that upset/hurt him. I do remember laughing while sitting on him. Then he said, why would you say that and started pushing me off of him. He did stay the whole night but Sat AM he got up, showered, and left. Prior to him leaving I asked if I said something that upset him and he said, yes and that he didn't want to talk about it. I asked what I said and he, again, said he didn't want to talk about it. In the past he said he's the type that when he gets really upset he will not talk to the girl for days/weeks/months at a time until he's cooled off. So I asked if that's what he's going to do w/ me and he said to just let him be mad, he'll be mad for the day and then will be fine. I asked that he at least tell me what I said that upset him. He said he would call me that afternoon. I don't know if he just said that to shut me up b/c he was really anxious to leave. But he wouldn't tell me what I said. He just said I was there. He apparently doesn't know that I was loopy and honestly can't remember what I said and doesn't know that whatever I said, I was just joking. Yes, being drunk and on top of that saying something hurtful is not good, so he does have every right to be upset. But he is really taking this serious/hard. So now I'm worrying whether I will hear from him w/ an explanation - anything. We had plans to hang out last night but that didn't happen. I didn't hear from him all day so finally called around 7:30PM. Left him a voice message saying that I was hoping to talk to him. About 45 min later he sent a text saying that he still didn't feel like talking....sorry. Do you think he really just needs this time to cool down and then will let it pass? Do you think he will ever tell me what I said so I can try to explain myself, or whatever. I need something to go off of. Gees, yeah, I was tipsy and apparently said something that he didn't take well. But I can't imagine what it could be that would be this upsetting. I really like this guy and don't think I could ever be so drunk to be hurtful. I don't know what to do, should I just wait and see if he calls me and if not, then try to call him? If he does call I hope he will have calmed down enough so we can talk about this. He knows I am one to want to talk things through, not leave upset, even though that's what he did. I'm worried that this upset him enough that he will want to break up w/ me. But I'm thinking that if he did want to break up, he would've prior to leaving. I don't know. I also question if I'm going to want to be w/ someone who reacts this way to conflict. Can't imagine living w/ or being married to someone who is going to pull the silent treatment every time he's upset. In the past he did tell me that he has a bad temper, which he has worked on, holds grudges, so do I, and, I said, will not talk to the girl he's dating for days/weeks/months if he's upset/hurt. I do know that if this ends we haven't invested that much time into it that we would be able to easily move on. But I do like him and would love for us to work things out. I just hate how he has the control right now, he has the upper hand, deciding when/if to contact me, as I wait. I don't like being that kind of person. Please tell me what I should do, expect, etc. Thanks for any advice!

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I'll tell you straight up that my answer is going to be baised. A good friend of mine's ex husband behaved like you described and it was hell for her. The ex even gave their KIDS the silent treatment when he was upset!!! One of the last straws for her was when they were driving somewhere and the ex was doing the silent treatment (he had been silent for days). Their son was getting carsick and asked to stop the car. The ex refused to acknowledge that the son was sick so the poor kid vomited all over himself and the backseat. Then my friend had to clean up all the mess while the ex stood there smoking and observing.
And I should add that the ex's vindictiveness has continued on after their divorce. We're talking arson and restraining orders here.
But even before all that happened to her, I must confess that I've dumped guys for the behaviour that you describe. As you would already know, the ability to communicate is the #1 most important thing in sustaining a relationship. Someone who can't communicate is not worthy of our time or effort.
If I were you, I'd move on. Because he's chosen to not be in contact with you, I wouldn't even bother telling him that I'd broken up. When he deems it's time to talk to you again, tell him to go take a hike (The words I'd actually use would not be acceptable on iVillage!).
Good luck.....and please, please, please don't accept him back into your life.
No, I haven't heard from him. Ugh. Thanks for asking. From all of your great advice/rsponses I've compiled the below letter (e-mail) that I'm thinking about sending. I've held on to it most of the day debating what I should do. It's now been pretty much two days since I've heard from him, w/ the execption of last night's text message response to my voice message (telling me that he still didn't feel ready to talk). Please share your thoughts.
I understand that you're upset w/ me and I want to give you the time you need to cool down. But, how much time? I can't sit around for days....weeks....months....waiting for you to decide when/if it's okay to talk to me. I wish you would at least explain what you’re going through or acknowledge what I might be feeling. I apologize for 1) getting drunk and 2) saying something that hurt you. I know it's a terrible thing, getting drunk and then saying something that I can't even remember. But, gees, if you don't talk to me, how am I supposed to know what to do, what I said/did to upset you? You know this isn't a healthy way of dealing w/ conflict. We need to communicate w/ each other if we want to make this work. If you would at least tell me what I did wrong, then, maybe then, say you need some time alone. I just don’t understand not talking to me, w/o any explanation, for an indefinite amount of time. Sure you warned me about this, but I guess I hoped I would never actually have to witness this kind of behavior. Again, I want to give you time to cool down but I also don't want to be the kind of girl who is just waiting. I like you and thought things were going really well. Was looking forward to getting to know you better....etc.
Just a quick question or two? How old are you? How long have you been seperated or divorced? I only ask because this info has a bearing on things.
I understand how you feel. Ive been in a relationship with a guy for almost 8 months now ( we did break up once for a month). One of the biggest hurdles for us is communication. Hes not a talker, and I am. As time has gone on he's gotten much better at opening up so its not a hopeless situation that you are in. But remember as another poster told you, the longer you stay in is the chance you take of getting more involved and attached. I tend to feel that all relationships are a gamble. I spent 21 years married and never thought my husband would leave me and our 4 children for another woman. So you see theres no garuntees in any relationships!!! We take our chances, do what we need to do to protect our hearts and thats it!!
I think the email would be okay but, its alittle long. Dont beg this man or plead with him to talk to you, Ive done it, and later on you will hate yourself for it. I think a simple explanation telling him how he has made you feel, and suggesting that you both talk calmly about what happened is enough.
I had this same experience with my bf on two occassions. The first time when he finally called, I told him that I chose to be treated with more respect than that. He said he chose not to deal with it at the time, and wanted to cool off. Well I told him the quiet treatment was unnecessary, and that he hurt me with these actions. I too had no clue what I did that upset him. And that if we would have any type of relationship, he would need to communicate to me when theres a problem. The second time was different, in that I told him I loved him and he freaked out!! Then asked for his space, so I said go ahead and take it.
Look every couple has a bad time. But as someone else here once told me. Theres nothing you can do that wrong when two people care about each other. We all make mistakes but mistakes need to be forgiven.
His behavior you are seeing has probably been the demise of every relationship he has had. Unless you mean enough to him for him to try and work on this problem he has, then you are in a hopeless situation, that will cause you constant pain.
The hardest thing I ever had to do with my guy was give him his space, after I announced my feelings for him. I stood back and went on with my life. I couldnt understand how he could react that way, and I was so very hurt. I cried everyday, I wanted so bad to call him, but my friends all said, call them instead. DO NOT CALL HIM !! Well I listened to them and it worked. He came looking for me.
So maybe you need to not make any calls, maybe just send the email and keep it short and sweet. Be sure not to plead with him, or apologize in your email. You cant apoligize when you dont know what you did! Let him know simply that you dont understand whats going on with him and that youd like to talk about it. Then the balls in his court!!! When you do sit and talk you need to firmly let him know you wont stand for this type of treatment by him, because Im sorry to say this to you dear, but this guy is treating you very disrespectfully. Dont let it spin out of control.
Let me know how you do. Good luck!
I am 33 y/o. Was w/ my ex for 10 yrs married for 5. I'm the one that ended it, basically, "fell out of love". There was more, throughout the years, that I think might have led to my decision but, basically, that's what happened. Our divorce will be final the beginning of March. So, yes, this new relationship may seem rushed. I moved out from living w/ my ex on NYE and met this new guy on NYE. My ex and I had been living together, while basically being separated, for a couple of months until I found a place of my own. I didn't have any intentions of rushing into a new relationship, it just happened. This new guy and I clicked so quickly. I've been happier since I met him than I have been in a long time, it's been great. Then, all of a sudden, this.
As I said in a previous message, I would like to think of myself as a strong and independent person who wouldn't stand for this kind of treatment. And I won't, if that's what it comes down to. Sure I've been very happy and felt that things were going really well, but, I'm not afraid to be alone, I just want an explanation from him. I'm one that needs to talk things through, so even after we talk, he explains everything, etc we still break up, that's fine, but at least I'll know.
It's weird how something that's going so well can change just like that. He's already invited me to a couple of weddings he has to go to this summer, etc. Just Fri (day) he told me how he hopes this lasts for a long time b/c he really likes me. Then Fri night, I get a little drunk, slip up and say something that upsets him, and now, this could possibly be over. But no matter how drunk I was, I can't imagine saying something this bad. No matter what I wouldn't intentionally say something to hurt him. I think he thinks I know what I said and won't either admit to it or am playing dumb. Like I should be aware that one of the many things I said is what hurt him. But I honestly don't know what I said, I am clueless. I've been racking my brain trying to remember what on God's green earth I could've said that upset him this much. This is why I want to talk to him. I want to know!
Yeah, I don't like the silent treatment and think it's very disrespectful. I've had the silent treatment from my ex before but then we were living together so it was hard to keep it up for too long. I think it's the mans way of having the "upper hand". They may care about you, love you, like you, etc but still don't want you to think you have the best of them. They need to maintain some type of power in the relationship. So, when you upset them, this is their way of keeping the power/control, letting you know that you did them wrong. Still, not an excuse for this behavior.
As I said before, I basically want to know what I said to upset him (and make a mental note to never say it again - ha), talk this through and see what happens. If we break up, fine. I'll be sad b/c I really like this guy but am not going to sacrifice my self worth to be treated this way.
I think I've been redundant but hope it all made sense. BTW - ended up sending the e-mail. If I don't get a response then I'll know he's taking the easy way out by not contacting me - and it's over.
Thanks again for your advice! Keep it coming! It's much needed and appreciated!
Im sure this is not what you want to hear, but I think that maybe you got involved way to soon with this man. We all need sometime to heal and reinvent ourselves after the breakup of any relationship, but a marriage is so much more. I understand that you were staying in a marriage for a while that wasnt really a marriage, I did the same. One whole year of hurt, pain and frustration. Until he finaly was man enough to live up to his threats and leave me.
In the beginning its like an emotional wave of releif, but trust on this, Im not so sure you've completly dealt with this yet. The end of marriage is live a death, theres a process you need to go through. Dont short change yourself there, or it may come back later to haunt you.
So you sent the email, and Im wondering is it was the one you posted here? Or a revised email? Whichever, you still now have to deal with the waiting. You need to wait for him to contact you!! If he cares for you, then when he's finished his process of sulking, (sorry but to me thats what this is, been there before with the ex) he will contact you.
Just dont allow him to do this to you. You did this in the past with your ex and I did, yet on a different level, and you deserve so much more.
Let me know how things turn out and stay strong!!!
One thing I dont understand at age 45, is the way people handle their relationships now all via email and text. As hard as it is to end something with someone, I still think a person deserves a face to face conversation!!!! I had a guy send me a text one day, saying sorry I dont want to see you anymore, its not working!! My opinion on him was GROW up and GROW a set of b - - - s!!!
Im not saying thats what your doing, but if he never responds to your calls or emails thats what he doing and he needs to grow some too!!
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