What to do next....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
What to do next....
24
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 11:27am
A little background first - recently divorced (will be final 3/06/06), moved out of home (w/ ex) 12/31/05 and met this guy who I've now been dating for two months, 12/31/05. Didn't plan on meeting someone and getting so attached so quickly. Things have been going really well for only knowing each other for such a short time. You would think we've been together for longer than two months by how much we've shared emotionally and physically. Anyway, Fri night he came over to hang out. During the course of the night (5 hours) I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself so by the time we went to bed I was pretty loopy. Yeah, not a good thing. In my defense, I do not usually drink a whole bottle of wine, in one setting. When in bed I remember joking/laughing. At some point I said something, that I can't remember, that upset/hurt him. I do remember laughing while sitting on him. Then he said, why would you say that and started pushing me off of him. He did stay the whole night but Sat AM he got up, showered, and left. Prior to him leaving I asked if I said something that upset him and he said, yes and that he didn't want to talk about it. I asked what I said and he, again, said he didn't want to talk about it. In the past he said he's the type that when he gets really upset he will not talk to the girl for days/weeks/months at a time until he's cooled off. So I asked if that's what he's going to do w/ me and he said to just let him be mad, he'll be mad for the day and then will be fine. I asked that he at least tell me what I said that upset him. He said he would call me that afternoon. I don't know if he just said that to shut me up b/c he was really anxious to leave. But he wouldn't tell me what I said. He just said I was there. He apparently doesn't know that I was loopy and honestly can't remember what I said and doesn't know that whatever I said, I was just joking. Yes, being drunk and on top of that saying something hurtful is not good, so he does have every right to be upset. But he is really taking this serious/hard. So now I'm worrying whether I will hear from him w/ an explanation - anything. We had plans to hang out last night but that didn't happen. I didn't hear from him all day so finally called around 7:30PM. Left him a voice message saying that I was hoping to talk to him. About 45 min later he sent a text saying that he still didn't feel like talking....sorry. Do you think he really just needs this time to cool down and then will let it pass? Do you think he will ever tell me what I said so I can try to explain myself, or whatever. I need something to go off of. Gees, yeah, I was tipsy and apparently said something that he didn't take well. But I can't imagine what it could be that would be this upsetting. I really like this guy and don't think I could ever be so drunk to be hurtful. I don't know what to do, should I just wait and see if he calls me and if not, then try to call him? If he does call I hope he will have calmed down enough so we can talk about this. He knows I am one to want to talk things through, not leave upset, even though that's what he did. I'm worried that this upset him enough that he will want to break up w/ me. But I'm thinking that if he did want to break up, he would've prior to leaving. I don't know. I also question if I'm going to want to be w/ someone who reacts this way to conflict. Can't imagine living w/ or being married to someone who is going to pull the silent treatment every time he's upset. In the past he did tell me that he has a bad temper, which he has worked on, holds grudges, so do I, and, I said, will not talk to the girl he's dating for days/weeks/months if he's upset/hurt. I do know that if this ends we haven't invested that much time into it that we would be able to easily move on. But I do like him and would love for us to work things out. I just hate how he has the control right now, he has the upper hand, deciding when/if to contact me, as I wait. I don't like being that kind of person. Please tell me what I should do, expect, etc. Thanks for any advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 8:56am

Yes, I've thought about this (rushing into something). But again, didn't plan on it happening so quickly, it just did and felt so right. Poor excuse, I know. But it has helped me deal w/ the guilt I have for what I did to my ex (ending the marriage b/c I "fell out of love"). I've had a hard time dealing w/ that and probably will continue to no matter how much time I allow myself. You hear of marriages ending for various reasons - infidelity, abuse, etc - but not "falling out of love", even though, they are products of "falling out of love". BTW - I have been seeing a therapist (for family and marriage/divorce reasons) for about a year (?). And she has asked, "don't you think you need to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince?"

Anyway. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. So, if he doesn't contact me, maybe this is the sign I need to realize that I need more time to heal from the divorce. Maybe, MAYBE, this...., rather, he isn't meant to be. I don't care for this kind of behavior, either, but want to give him the benefit of the doubt....want to give him a second chance. So if he contacts me, then I hope he will be willing to talk through this. If not, then I'm "okay" with moving on. It's good that it's only been a couple of months so not a lot of time has been invested into this. But, w/in the two months, we have shared a lot more than what you would think you would share in such a short time. Also, we've talked about the future, i.e., he's invited me to a couple of weddings, etc. So all of that is tough and will make me sad, but, guess there are other fish in the sea.

Don't worry, I will not contact him. I think me leaving the voice message Sat (and receiving his text that he still wasn't feeling up to talking) and sending the e-mail (last night) is enough. And if he can't contact me to talk or at least to break up in a civil and mature manner - meeting in person - then it isn't worth dealing w/. This reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City when Carrie gets broken up w/ by a post-it note. I've had several friends who have been broken up w/ by just ending contact. No phone call, no e-mail, no text....no post-it note. Nothing. Yeah, that is such an immature way of breaking up. Gees.
Yes, I sent the original e-mail. I had that all day, made changes, reread it and reread it again, so decided to stick w/ it.

Yes, if he cares enough about me/us, I would hope he would respond to my e-mail. I think I'll give him at least until the end of today. I sent it to his work and home address so I know he will get it. If he doesn't reply - at all - then I'll move on. If he says he still doesn't feel like talking - then maybe I should still move on. Even though it will kill me to not know what I said to upset him so much. Gees, he at least could've told me what I said and then asked for some time alone. But to not tell me and give me this silent treatment, just don't get it. I kind of have a feeling that he thinks I know what I said to upset him (when asking what I said, he made the comment - you were there). Like out of all of the things we talked about, I should know the one thing that upset him and should apologize specifically for that. But I honestly don't. I feel terrible about it but I don't know what I can do. That's why, in the e-mail, I made a point to apologize for being drunk and saying something that I don't remember that hurt him. As I know and as all of you have said, this kind of behavior is a red flag of worse things to come in the future. It's just hard to absorb b/c you wouldn't see this kind of behavior in him otherwise. He's been so good to me it's just bizarre. Anyway, guess that happens.

Will keep you posted and again, thanks for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:38am
I received a very brief response to the e-mail. See below.
"I told you I have a temper, and rather then risk losing it, I prefer
not to talk. You don't have to wait around, I don't expect you to."
I don't know how to take this or respond. Does this mean he is okay w/ this being over or would he prefer I wait? He isn't fighting for anything. He still won't tell me what I did or said that upset him so much. Should I ask yet another time? I really want to know. HELP!! What should I do?!! I know, I know, I should just end it now. But I really want to know what I did that upset him this much. You know?!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 11:58am

He's basically saying, "this is how I am...accept it or move on."

He'll tell you what you said when he's good and ready to tell you (which could be never). Your anxiety about this doesn't really matter to him, unfortunately.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 3:35pm

I understand your frustration about wanting to know what you did. Nobody likes to be in the poo and not know what they did. But he's probably not going to tell you. If/when he decides to start talking again, it's very likely that he'll avoid the subject. And if you do press it out of him, it's just as likely that his reaction will be to return to his cave.

It's really time to let this one go. Can you seriously imagine dating him long term? It would be hell....and you'd be permanently walking on eggshells.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 3:52pm

I just wanted to point something out. You said that this behavior is out of the blue. I'm sorry, but how is it "out of the blue" when you have only been dating two months, and he's already warned you of this behavior? If anything, this is normal behavior that you just haven't experienced yet. Just like you have a lot more to experience of whom he is.


I hope you have started to understand that this is the way he is. As Sheri stated, he's saying, "this is the way I am, take it or leave it". And y'know, my brother was the same way. Bad temper, temper tantrums, grudges. He may never have hit a woman, but I've had enough of his gf's email/call me and ask me if they should stay, or if he's always like that, because he'd put a hole in the wall next to their head, when he'd get mad.


Also, he's warning you he's got a temper. he's WARNING you he MUST stay away, for YOUR safety. I'm sorry, but men like that....or people like that....are usually controlling, abusive, and downright ugly.


You probably respected him for telling you about his bad ways, instead of taking them for what they were, a warning. I know I probably would've. Even though it's pretty much a lame thing to do.


You have your answer. This is who he is. He will walk out on you or ignore you whenever he is upset. Can you imagine having a r'ship like that.....for years? I don't really feel you have healed from your divorce, regardless how long it's "been over". You chose a bad person, who told you he has anger issues, and will not talk to a girl for as long as he deems necessary. Ask yourself WHY you chose him, why you chose to stay with him after he sent that red flag up. Ask yourself why you're so adamant about KNOWING WHY he's upset at you. Ask yourself why you're still wondeing what is going on, when the answer is....he's pissed off at you, and he'll talk when HE wants, and the more you bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 7:46pm

Im sorry, I just really dont know what to say to you at this point. Maybe some of the other posters are right and you need to move on. The thing that stuck with me in all that Ive read here from everyone, is the fact that he is being quite selfish. He doesnt seem to care enough to put his feelings aside a little and meet you halfway. He knows your upset and yet he doesnt seem to take that into consideration.

Whats the latest update?? Anything at all?? Please keep me posted. I really was hoping this would work out for you, but sometimes we have to just accept that some things arent worth the trouble they cause us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:41am
In my opinion after reading that last email he sent to you I think you should leave. He apparently isn't willing to work anything out with you and is not considering your feelings in the process. Someone that holds grudges for that long and refuses to communicate to another has got to have a lot of internal issues that I'm sure you don't want to put up with for the long haul. I completely understand your wanting to know why and also you being in shock that it ended up happening to you when things were going so well, but it's in your best interest to cut your losses early before it gets any worse. There also is a good possibility that his anger issues/temper might get so out of control that you could get physically abused and that's nothing that you should gamble with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:36am

Thanks again to all who have responded and continue to respond.

Okay, I already know everything that has been said, I honestly do....but don't want to hear it. Ugh! No, I do....kind of :-P I appreciate your advice/opinions. But you know how it is, you know what you should do, you know what is the healthiest for you, you hear it from all of your friends and your "inner voice" ....but you don't want to listen. For women - no matter what we hear and no matter what we know what is right or wrong, we will do as we please whether we get hurt or not. Just hopefully, then, we will learn from our gains or failures. You just don't know unless you try.

I really like this guy, I really do, and for some stupid crazy neurotic desperate drama queen reason, I'm holding on. It isn't like I have intentions of marrying him, OMG no! I'm just enjoying this time and don't want it to end. He's made me so happy....until now. I know that if this ends, I will be able to move on and eventually find someone else....to cause drama in my life. Ha.

Yes, maybe I do need more time to heal from the divorce. Well, no maybe's about it. I definitely do b/c, as I said, continue to hold some guilt. I do believe that I would be able to deal w/ the guilt I have from hurting my ex but I have to admit, that knowing this guy sure has helped. Anyway....

I don't know if I told all of you that I responded to his response to my original e-mail. He said: "I told you I have a temper, and rather then risk losing it, I prefer not to talk. You don't have to wait around, I don't expect you to." So I responded w/: "It sounds like you're not going to tell me what I did to upset you, until you're ready to talk. As I said before, I don’t want to just sit and wait, but, I do care enough about you….us, to give you this time. Even though we haven’t known each other for very long, our relationship means enough that I don’t want to give up, just like that. So, when you’re ready to talk and are past this, just let me know."
I know, I know, as one of you said - I'm a glutton for punishment. But I remember when he told me that he has a bad temper and will hold grudges, that he isn't proud of that and is working on it. I guess I can't help but think, at least he acknowledges that and wants to work on it. I also have a bad temper and hold grudges. I've ended friendships b/c of this. I also know that the cooling down period is good. I've been guilty of insisting on talking right then and there which has led either or both of us to say things we regret, it escalates and gets worse causing the argument to last longer. I know when you're so upset or hurt by someone you just don't want to see them, you don't want to be in their presence, you just want to leave and cool down before you can speak w/ them again. You know how in those Lifetime movies, after a huge argument/issue, either the boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife, out of know where, decides they need to go on a trip. Just to get away, think about things, etc. Crazy analogy?

I know I can not make any excuses for his behavior. Yes, I agree. It's pretty ridiculous. Needing a cooling down period, maybe a day or two (at the most) is acceptable. But 3+ days? 3+ days to sulk and not tell me what I did that was so hurtful and upsetting? I could also understand him at least telling me what I did then taking some time to be alone. But again, to punish me by not letting me know what I did. Just doesn't make sense, this I know. Yes, it's selfish and a bit controlling. But I just want to give him the benefit of the doubt, give him a second chance, and hope he contacts me and explains what he was going through.

In conclusion this is what I have decided to do: If I do not hear from him by the end of this Thur (he leaves early Fri AM for a weekend trip w/ some friends), then I am done. If I do hear from him and he is a jerk. Then I am done. If I do hear from him, he is willing to talk and work through this, then I will tell him how much this hurt me and he better not ever treat me this way again. If he does, then I am done.

Again, I know - I'm a glutton for punishment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:47am
Also want to add, I almost have come to the conclusion that it is over. You're right, no one needs this long to calm down - w/o any contact. If he cared that much about me....us, he would have some contact w/ me, he would be willing to communicate more, even if it's during his cooling down period. I guess I'm one that needs more closure. I refuse to be dumped w/o him actually telling me to my face. And I told him that. I recently have had three friends go through that, where they are dumped out of nowhere, w/o any returned phone calls, nothing. I told him that if he's ever going to break up w/ me, he better have the balls to do it to my face. He said he hoped that wouldn't happen but if it did, he would tell me to my face. Of course, that was then, this is now. Anyway, even w/ this selfish behavior, I want him to confront me to my face. I want to tell him how much this has hurt and that he can't continue treating women this way, etc etc etc. Okay, I'm finished rambling - for now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:57am

I think you should take him at his word and not wait around. This guy doesn't appear to possess the qualities needed for a great relationship.

And while I know the curiosity is hard to get over (I'll admit it, I'm curious, and I was just lurking on the thread!), if you ever found out the truth it would be so anti-climatic because nothing you said is worth not be spoken to for several days. So the punishment will never match up to the "crime."

I'm sorry he ended up treating you like this. And while it is better to find these flaws out early on rather than later, when you're more committed, it still is hard.

But, now you will have more time to regroup from your divorce and think about what you really want in life here and forward!