What to do next....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
What to do next....
24
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 11:27am
A little background first - recently divorced (will be final 3/06/06), moved out of home (w/ ex) 12/31/05 and met this guy who I've now been dating for two months, 12/31/05. Didn't plan on meeting someone and getting so attached so quickly. Things have been going really well for only knowing each other for such a short time. You would think we've been together for longer than two months by how much we've shared emotionally and physically. Anyway, Fri night he came over to hang out. During the course of the night (5 hours) I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself so by the time we went to bed I was pretty loopy. Yeah, not a good thing. In my defense, I do not usually drink a whole bottle of wine, in one setting. When in bed I remember joking/laughing. At some point I said something, that I can't remember, that upset/hurt him. I do remember laughing while sitting on him. Then he said, why would you say that and started pushing me off of him. He did stay the whole night but Sat AM he got up, showered, and left. Prior to him leaving I asked if I said something that upset him and he said, yes and that he didn't want to talk about it. I asked what I said and he, again, said he didn't want to talk about it. In the past he said he's the type that when he gets really upset he will not talk to the girl for days/weeks/months at a time until he's cooled off. So I asked if that's what he's going to do w/ me and he said to just let him be mad, he'll be mad for the day and then will be fine. I asked that he at least tell me what I said that upset him. He said he would call me that afternoon. I don't know if he just said that to shut me up b/c he was really anxious to leave. But he wouldn't tell me what I said. He just said I was there. He apparently doesn't know that I was loopy and honestly can't remember what I said and doesn't know that whatever I said, I was just joking. Yes, being drunk and on top of that saying something hurtful is not good, so he does have every right to be upset. But he is really taking this serious/hard. So now I'm worrying whether I will hear from him w/ an explanation - anything. We had plans to hang out last night but that didn't happen. I didn't hear from him all day so finally called around 7:30PM. Left him a voice message saying that I was hoping to talk to him. About 45 min later he sent a text saying that he still didn't feel like talking....sorry. Do you think he really just needs this time to cool down and then will let it pass? Do you think he will ever tell me what I said so I can try to explain myself, or whatever. I need something to go off of. Gees, yeah, I was tipsy and apparently said something that he didn't take well. But I can't imagine what it could be that would be this upsetting. I really like this guy and don't think I could ever be so drunk to be hurtful. I don't know what to do, should I just wait and see if he calls me and if not, then try to call him? If he does call I hope he will have calmed down enough so we can talk about this. He knows I am one to want to talk things through, not leave upset, even though that's what he did. I'm worried that this upset him enough that he will want to break up w/ me. But I'm thinking that if he did want to break up, he would've prior to leaving. I don't know. I also question if I'm going to want to be w/ someone who reacts this way to conflict. Can't imagine living w/ or being married to someone who is going to pull the silent treatment every time he's upset. In the past he did tell me that he has a bad temper, which he has worked on, holds grudges, so do I, and, I said, will not talk to the girl he's dating for days/weeks/months if he's upset/hurt. I do know that if this ends we haven't invested that much time into it that we would be able to easily move on. But I do like him and would love for us to work things out. I just hate how he has the control right now, he has the upper hand, deciding when/if to contact me, as I wait. I don't like being that kind of person. Please tell me what I should do, expect, etc. Thanks for any advice!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:35am

This is what I told my girlfriends, which is almost a repeat of my last post. But the end kind of made me giggle so thought I would share.

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's over. Everyone is right, no one needs this much time to cool down. But if this much time is needed, there should at least be some communication, limited, fine, but some would be reasonable. But he apparently cares so little about my feelings to not bother to explain what he's going through, what's going on, etc. So, b/c of that, even though I'm still holding on in hopes that he will contact me and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I think it's over. This is his way of taking the easy way out and blowing me off. Even though he said he would never break up w/ me this way. I'm just one that needs more closure. Need to know why, need to confront him, and say a few choice words, need to tell him how much this hurt me and that he can't go around treating women this way. Someday he's going to do this to some real psycho neurotic fatal attraction chic who is going to knife all of his clothes and leather sofas, key his car, smash the windows in, tear off the car seats, slit her wrists and make him drink the blood, throw the tv across the room through the living room window, send viruses to his notebook so it crashes, stomp on his George Foreman grill, etc. Not that I've given it much thought....;-) Have to make light of the situation, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:26pm

Hi! Just thinking of you and wondering how you are? How are you holding up through this? I know how difficult it can be. If you need to vent, be sure to post! Take care,

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:12pm

Like everyone else, I have been waiting for him to get ready to talk, and to tell you that he was ticked because you ragged on his toenails, or something stupid like that. From the beginning, however, I have also wondered if he set the whole thing up for some other reason that he will never tell you.

From what you said in your first post, he asked you at one point that night why you would say "something like that," but then he spent the whole night and even took a shower before leaving in the morning. If he had been so upset over what you said, I think he would have stormed out right then, not slept and showered before clearing out. It just sounds too deliberate not to have been a plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:21am

Warning - long message! Been doing more thinking, rather, perseverating, and have been finalizing my thoughts....decision. If that makes any sense.

When this first happened I remember talking to a close friend of mine b/c I think her husband, likens this guy. They are both quiet, kind of shy, attractive - girls are checking them out but they have to approach them, passive aggressive, etc. Anyway, she said her husband thought that maybe there was something else that had built up to this. I'm thinking back about one night when he left (a party)- just left. I was hanging out at a table w/ a couple of his buddies and a couple girls. His one friend and I were sharing a chair. I had my arm around the back of the chair, so behind him. We were talking, laughing, and joking around. I don't know how much time had passed but I turned to look for him and he was gone. I asked if anyone had seen him and they thought that maybe he was out for a smoke. He wasn't so I called him. He said he was on his way home. I asked why he didn't tell me he was leaving. He said he left to buy smokes and figured, since he was in the car, he might as well go home, plus, he wanted to sleep in his own bed. So he came back to the apt to get me. I didn't say much that night but it bothered me so that next week I brought it up. I asked how he would feel if I just left w/o telling him and he agreed that he would not have liked that. So apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. And, basically, that was that.
This past week I talked to him about how I am w/ guys. I was thinking about my hanging out w/ his friends that night. I said I like to joke around, shoot the sh*t, "be one of the guys", etc when hanging out w/ them. I said that to some (of my friends) it seems like I'm flirting. He said I was worrying him. I said that it probably seems that way to those who are shy/timid and don't flirt much w/ guys. I asked if he's noticed how I hang w/ his friends, and he said, yes. Then I asked if it seemed like I was flirting and if it bothered him and he said, no. So, I said, well, there you go. So he seemed fine w/ it.
But I’m wondering if he was bothered by me hanging w/ friend/s or whatever and that's why he just left w/o saying anything and then that built up to looking for the perfect opportunity to "get me back", only to break up. What do you think?

It's weird b/c in b/w that weekend and this I had gotten back on (ugh) birth control and he was saying how he thought it was cool, a big step in our relationship, hoped we lasted for a long time b/c he really likes me, etc. Granted it's only been a couple of months, but I never saw any indication of this. He's good to his mom, he doesn't badmouth is exes, he's been extremely good to me. And now.... weird how things can change/happen - just like that.

So, last night I cried, I mean cried like a dippy codependent decrepit immature child. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad, but I did cry. So far I've only gotten teary eyed. Sweet little Kasha (my 4 y/o black lab/mix) heard me crying and immediately jumped on the bed. I opened my eyes to find her kind of hovering over me just looking at me. It was so cute.
I appreciate the advice. Gees, I ask for it, crave it, etc. So, I deserve whatever I get. You guys are the ones that are probably getting sick of my perseverating over this. You're all thinking, gees, it's so simple, she needs to move on. Ugh!

I know I need to figure out what I want. I know I need to decide what is best for me. W/ that being said, I know that the best.... smartest thing to do, is move on. I do not need to be treated this way. Even if this is truly his way of dealing w/ conflict, it isn't fair to me to be put on the back burner like this. He could at least tell me why he's so upset and then say, I need some time alone.....away from you. But I've heard nothing. So, yeah, maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back, maybe I did something else to piss him off and he is too much of a wimp he couldn't tell me then and there. He had to let it build up until he could find a better opportunity to kick me to the curb! Ugh! Men are such cowards.

When asked what keeps me holding on, I think it would've been better for me to be single for a while, date different people, possibly go through several "heartaches" and then get into something more "serious" (or whatever this was). Kiss a few frogs before finding the prince, if you will. Instead of immediately getting into something "serious" which has made it harder for me to let go. I didn't have as much fear about being alone as I do now. I know I can do it. I've always thought of myself as a fairly independent person. Just right now it's scary and I liked what I had so much. He made me TOO happy TOO soon. I needed to "sulk" around and completely heal from the divorce first. So, yeah, it's him, b/c I like the whole package (him, his friends - new social group that I've been accepted in, his drive/motivation), but it's also the thought of being alone. Ugh, there, I said it. I probably couldn't say it to my friends who I have lectured to about staying independent.

I am going to write an e-mail and send it on the day that I've finally decided to move on, which, hopefully will be Thur, maybe Mon/Tue at the latest. Oh, listen to me. I can't help but think he's under a great deal of stress on top of this. He has midterms (getting his MBA), that will be finished this week. Then he's going on a fun trip w/ his buddies. So by Mon/Tue his mind will be clear and he will be stress free. So, then he will call and we will clear this up. Ha, wishful thinking, right? Anyway, as I said, I'm going to type an e-mail to send to him, letting him know how much he hurt me and how he can't continue treating women this way. Something like that. Will try to be civil w/ whatever point I'm trying to make. Any thoughts of what I should say are welcomed.

Thanks again to all who have responded, checked in on me, etc!

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