What to do or think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
What to do or think?
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 2:51pm

I am not sure if I am posting on the right board or not, but I do hope someone can give some feedback on what I am posting.
Here is my dilemma. I am a divorced woman, left a 24 year marriage that should have never been. I married because I left the real love of my life behind and was trying to keep from going after him.
About six months ago, I found my lost love from 24 years ago, and we have been communicating ever since, daily. He is also divorced, for the past 8 years, but is currently in a six year relationship with his "girlfriend". I say it like this because after six years, I would think he would refer to her in a more serious manner.
We have emailed back and forth, daily since Jan. and because of the girlfriend, I have kept my communications on a friends basis. He has told me about his relationship, how rocky it is (has been for over a year,) and unsure he is of the outcome. We met face to face a week ago, I traveled 6 hours to see him, my choice, and it was a nice visit. I had things I wanted to say to him, things that I felt only needed to be said face to face, but I never got the chance. When we sat down to talk, I asked him how he was, and he started talking about his relationship with his girlfriend, how rough it was and how he felt that it was coming to an end. He talked so much and so fast that he even commented on how much he had done. I didn't say much of anything, just listened and tried to give my support and understanding. I do think he was talking so much out of nervousness, and maybe he was trying to keep me from saying what I wanted to say. I don't know.
I do know we seem to be closer since our face to face meeting. He has shared photos of his daughter, talks about her as if I have met her. He has sent me pictures of his house, inside and out, which I appreciate, but was surprised by the fact he sent them. He has even talked about my daughter and shown interest in her activities.
Before our meeting, I was only allowed to have his work email to contact him with, due to the fear of his girlfriend finding out we were talking. But when we agreed to meet, he sent me his cell phone number and his personal email too. Neither of these contacts will I use unless he okays it, because I feel I have established a trust with him, and I don't want to break that. I don't want to do anything to cause him problems.
I try to be supportive and give him advise that will help him understand his girlfriend's emotions and actions towards him. I have encouraged him to work things out with her, when in my heart, I don't want them to stay together. I want him happy, that is all I have ever wanted for him. I left our relationship 24 years ago because I felt I wasn't good enough, that I would drag him down or hold him back from the dreams he had for his future. I never told him the whys, I just backed out of our relationship and let him go. I regretted it the minute I did it, but I didn't feel I really had a choice. Older now and maybe a little wiser, I know I should have talked to him and given him the chance to decide for himself. That is what I wanted to tell him when we had our meeting, but the opportunity when I thought he would be receptive never seemed to be. When I first contacted him, I really thought he would shut the door on me, say hi and bye and be done, but he hasn't done that. I guess what I am asking is what does anyone out there think I have a chance with him, to rekindle what we had at one time? Why has he not shut the door on me? Am I reading him right, is it possible he didn't want to hear what I had wanted to say for over 24 years or was he just nervous?
I am so confused, and I just don't know if I wait him out or just move on down the road. Help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 5:45pm

Well, you certainly don't want to be the other women while he is currently with his girlfriend.

If he has so many problems with her then he needs to work them out with her, see a therapist together, or break it off. By telling you all this stuff, he's setting up the grounds for an emotional affair with you. You don't want to be that person either - that's call the transitional person. They are there to segue out of a relationship, and then they are not really needed.

Sure friends can vent to each other about relationships, but this seems to be more than that.

So I guess you could just say, "If you are ever single please look me up, but until then let's just be friends. I hope you can see a counselor about your relationship issues, because I am not able to help you."

something like that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 10:30pm

So is that what it sounds like he is doing? I have told him that I will do nothing that will hurt his relationship, that I am supportive of him in it. He does state that he isn't as caring for her as he once was, due to the attacks over time. I have told him that I don't think he does all he can to make it work and if he didn't care, then he knew the drill, get out of the relationship and let her go.
I haven't felt like he was using me in that way, but I could be wrong. That's why I asked for feedback from others, to help me see what I may be missing.