What do you think

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2005
What do you think
8
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 1:00pm
Hi everyone,
I was hoping for some input on a dating situation I am in. I need to clarify up front that I am a non-smoker, non-drinker (ok MAYBE 1 glass of wine, and usually don't even finish it) and generally live a healthy lifestyle. I grew up in a alcoholic household and are sensitive to the issue. Ok now the situation. I met my boyfriend Aug 2004. I am a firm believer in being upfront and honest so I told him without a doubt that I will not be involved with a smoker, heavy drinker or someone that does not like animals. He agreed, said he was a social drinker and loved animals. He did tell me that about 10 years ago he had a drug problem and went through rehab but is fine now. Well since this time I ahve found out that yes he does smoke and actually does all the time in front of me, and we have had 5 discussions regarding his drinking habits in less then a year. This is due to him getting so buzzed that i get the slurred word phone calls, and the hangover usless individual the next day. His teeth are yellowed from smoking and he has put on 14lbs since Jan. I have asked him if this is the lifestyle he wants because I do not,. He says he does not but no change. All of his friends he met in the local bar I will not go to the bar with him so he generally goes during the week. All of his friends are drinkers and smokers, they think I am a bit of a nerd. The last episode was June 9 and I have not been able to "get over it" as of yet. The difficult part for me is that outside of those two issues we get along great. He is smart, fun to be around, and treats me great. My concern is if this relationship were to continue I cannot have the drinking and the smoking has to go. I do not want to live a life with someone that is that unhealthy and has that little respect for themselves. I want to be with someone healthy and that I can grow old with. Also our sex life is going down the tubes because his breath smells even after listerine and he gets out of breath and starts to cough, sorry but it is really unattractive to have someone go into a coughing fit when you are trying to cuddle. Am I being way overboard on this, or do I have a valid point? Opinions, comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks and ahve a great afternoon.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 1:28pm

You absolutely have a valid point. It's perfectly reasonable to want a partner who doesn't smoke and doesn't drink heavily. However, despite him SAYING that he wants to change, he's not doing so...so you either need to accept him AS IS, or move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 10:39pm

Hugs. Well, you have your deal breakers, and he's crossed those lines. So, it's time to ask yourself. If those are things you absolutely do not want in a partner, why have you stayed? I know how hard it is, especially when he SAYS he wants those things, but so far, he hasn't SHOWN you that he'll stop.

So, you have a choice. Accept that this is how he is NOW, that he MAY change, but that it's affecting your r'ship, or find someone that has ALL the qualities that you demand, because those are your dealbreakers.

BTW, bf was like that too in the beginning, there were MANY deal breaker things with him. the BIG diff, though, he's changed them all. For him, for us, for me. If your bf was honestly trying to change and made huge efforts, I'd tell you to stick it out, but because he's not.....it's now time for you choose your values or him. or are you going to choose him over your values?

Hugs. good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 6:55pm
Hi pineapple - I have a question stemming from a your reply about your bf making changes. I have some deal breakers with my boyfriend right now, mostly relating to communication. He has a temper and gets very upset very easily, starts saying hurtful things to me, then when I get upset (upset as in hurt and sad, not angry) he says "Here we go again, Molly's not happy, everything's not perfect for Molly" (very sarcastic). I think he just has this tendency to not think about why he's getting upset and immediately blames the whole thing on me. In the beginning, he had valid points, and I've worked to improve on them and I really think I've done well. He was also working on improving things (not losing his temper so easily, talking to me instead of yelling when he gets upset) for a while. But now, he is in his exam period in his third year of law school and he is super stressed. He keeps telling me he doesn't want drama from me, that he wants me to be his happy place. But, he's started doing it again, where he gets very upset for something I can't even see and he won't tell me - he just starts blaming everything on me and things spiral downward from there. He says I'm creating drama - but I don't even know why he's upset most of the time! I guess my question is - do you think its a bad idea to deal with it for a month (when exams are over) and wait to see if his improvements continue once he's done with exams? I can't really discuss it with him because if I bring it up, I'm instantly creating drama and making him mad. He hasn't always been this difficult to deal with - just the last week or two really, since he started getting stressed about exams. I'd really like to hear your thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 7:25pm

My first thought was, law school is REALLY tough for most people and very stressful, and maybe you should give it a break. But then I started thinking, being a lawyer is VERY stressful too. So, does this give him the right, and excuse to treat you like he does every time he's stressed? No. It shouldn't. I can understand people being irate, irritable, etc, but what he's doing, is flat out wrong.

I had a friend who, her bf did the EXACT same thing to her. She thought there was a LOT wrong with her. She felt like anything she did was wrong. And yup, same thing, he'd get upset, that she didn't do what he wnated, or didn't empathize with him as he wanted, basically, he'd get pissy if she didn't react exactly how HE wanted, and he'd blame her and call her dramatic, and call her a drama queen, etc.

She's not dating a new guy. And she's beginning to see, that all those things, were NOT her. That for the most part, HE drove her batty with all those nasty comments. She now realizes she does have issues, but no where near the drama queen act he tried to make it sound like she was living.

So, my two cents. Things could get better after his exams. But what about next years exams? What about the Bar? How stressed will he be then? What about when he's got his first job as a lawyer and is stressing trying to fit in and impress the senior partners? What about when he stresses out over his job, a case, his partners, a promotion, etc? What then.

To me, when people stress, THAT is their true "negative" personality, and what you see, is what you get. And what you get, can change a bit, but when stress is there, it's what you'll ALWAYS get.

I have a temper. Its' alwasy been short. When I'm stressed, I snap. I have since learned to either warn my dbf, or just tell him I'll talk to him when I'm less stressed. When he's stressed, he gets short with me. I have brought that up to him, so now, he's learned to tell me when he's stressed, so I know to be a bit more relaxed about things. However, neither one of us go off on each other, neither one of us call each other names or say they're being dramatic, etc. We're respectful. Irritable, but respectful.

BTW, my bf said something kinda the same, about me being the happy place. So usually when he's stressed and starting to get irate with me, I either give him a hug, or just say calmly and sweetly, I love you. It's usually enough to calm him down. Seems like your bf uses you, not as a happy place, but as the place to vent his anger and stress.

So, here's your choice. Do you want to always be the person he takes his stress out on, do you think he can learn NOT to take his stress out on you to the point of not talking to you, avoiding you, or even just being more laid back, versus the jerk he's been, or do you think this is how he ALWAYS is when he's stressed?

personally, for me, even though I'd see improvement in daily life, I'd need to see improvements DURING stressful times. Stress is NOT a reason to treat your loved ones as a punching bag to let off steam.

This is what I would do if I was you.....I'd wait until his exams were past, let him rest for a bit, and then tell him, you need to see improvements in his anger, his hostility to you, his blaming, guilt, etc, WHILE he's stressed. Because his job will be stressful, and you aren't his personal punching bag. And then I'd wait it out. If the next time he's stressed, NOTHIGN changes, I'd seriously think about walking.

BTW, I'm not sure why people blame others on being dramatic when they are the ones who are creating the drama with anger and hurtful words. But most men I have heard of who do that, rarely see it as a "problem" and rarely change. Just an FYI.

Hugs.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 7:49pm

Thanks Pineapple. I think I'll take your advice. I usually feel so small when we're right in the middle of something, and I don't think of standing up for myself. I'm going to really think about it, save your message, and talk to him after things have calmed down.

We fought last night, and after he calmed down I told him, very calmly and honestly, I thought he was unstable right now (I thought he'd go ballistic!). He said I'm probably right, but that he needs me to see that coming and hedge that by doing basically exactly what you said you do with your bf. But, I think you're right that if I don't always do that, it doesn't give him the right to use me as a punching bag.

Anyway, thanks. I really appreciate the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:02pm

One last thing. Make sure, that you're not, oh, how can I explain.....let me give you an example.

My brother had/has a very bad temper. While growing up, if I did something, who knows what, to make him mad, he'd yell at me, throw things at me, beat me up, etc. So, eventually, I learned to walk on eggshells around him. I learned how to diffuse him by "hiding" out or just doing whatever he wanted.

Once, when I was married, my brother came home (he was living at my folks house, and I was visiting), he revved his engine, I jumped up, ran out, and moved my car for him. My xh said, "wow, he's got you trained, wonder if I can train you like that too". And I never realized I was doing that. To this day, if I hear a car horn beep or someone revving loudly (he had a muffler on it), I'm like a dog, with ears perked up, waiting to see if it's for me, if I have to jump up or not.

So, what I"m saying is. I don't want you to live your life like that. That if he gets stressed, you have to walk on eggshells, you have to retreat, you have to baby him so he won't treat you like some punching bag. There's a point to being less irritating (in the other persons eyes), and there's a point to walking on eggshells. I don't wnat you to walk on eggshells, but at the same time, while HE is learning to be less in your face and aggressive, you can learn ways to diffuse the situation.

Does that make sense. I told my brothers gf (at the time), if you feel you can life like me, in fear all the time, all the time walking on eggshells, then stay with him. If you can't. leave. no one would blame you. cuz she was beginning to be scared of him too. cuz he'd punch the wall.....oh 3 inches from her head. etc. He'd never lay a hand on her, but he'd yell, cut her down, punch holes in walls, etc. Supposedly he has calmed down. But my brother is also 33. He didn't start calming down until recently (few years or so).

I ohpe that makes sense. Hugs. Good luck. BTW, what he's doing, IS verbal abuse. MAybe you should tell him that and see his reaction.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:14pm
I guess I wasn't sure it was verbal abuse. He's said things like "Do you not know what it means to give?", "How selfish are you?", "If you can't do this then you are a selfish, inconsiderate bi**h and I don't need you." I guess now that I write it, it does sound pretty bad.): I AM walking on eggshells right now, and even thats not working. Again, thank you for your advice - its very helpful and I will definitely keep the things you say in mind. Its helpful because, like I said, I tend to feel so small when he loses his temper with me, so I'll try to keep your stand-up-for-yourself attitude in mind when I do address this. Thanks bunches!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 11:52pm

Hugs. Be careful, be smart, but also realize, there is never any reason for anyone to treat you as he has been. I mean, I can understand once in awhile, you lose it cuz you are stressed, but this, this is a ongoing thing, that happens ALL while he's stressed.

Hugs.

~pineapple_girl