What do you think? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
What do you think? (long)
4
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:03pm

I was just wondering how everyone here feels about men and women being able to be platonic friends. Is it even possible? There has been lots of discussion on a board I lurk on frequently (Women of Color) and it has been very interesting seeing everyone’s views.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:14pm

Probably the quickest way to put it is this:

If there is no base attraction and never was - and you two truly share interests, peers, and goals in life - you enjoy one another's company and respect and admire each other's character and standards.........here's where it's at.

When you have no life partner....there are hopes, dreams, ideas, thoughts, and feelings that you share "about yourself"........with your friends.

Once you get a life partner.........those things are usually "less shared" with your friends because you're sharing those things with your lfe partner and accommodating and compromising together - to make both sets of dreams come true.

So there ceases to be some topics of conversations, or types of activities that a person with ap artner doesn't "do" with "just a friend".

You're developing a bond with a partner that they're going to rely on and depend on you being "who you are" at all times.........in short, you're wanting to make sure that while there's no physical infidelty - there's no emotional infidelity either.

What you see alot of is people in affairs - whre the woman leaves his husbsand for the man she's having a fling with...or waits forever for the man she's having a fling with to leave his wife.

That's a woman who wants a relationship,forms an emotional bond, is attached to what a relationship represents and offers in her opinion - and is "there" on this man's terms and needs - hoping for her investment ot pay out later. It rarely does.

You see that less often with men....where they have an affiar and leave the wife...and it's more common that men once in partnership do some disengaging and emotional distancing from the female friends......because thier loyalty is to "this woman and this life I have with her"...and the woman he's having an affair with is "something to do" - not someone to be with.

I can think of alot of things I shared about my feelings, thoughts, life, and goals with "friends"...that today I'd share only with my lover. Because those things include and affect him, as they do me...and the whole world knowing our business is an inroad to our lives invasively whre nobody is affected but us.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:29pm
Again... Say it.. That is so true. To me that is natural. I see with my male friend that since I've gotten serious with my current guy we don't do lunch any more rarely talk unless to ask a quick question outside of work and relationship doesn't come up. It came up to show his girlfriend that it isn't as she thinks and we share and may know a lot of each other but priorites do switch and it does not stay that way. Fortunately we are mature enough to understand this and when we have gaps like the current one that we do not hang out as much niether of us feel slighted just happy that adult life does change. We call it getting out of high school. Life is no longer centered around friends and such but by your future which is your partner.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:34pm

I was in a situation where I had my BF at the time who was friends with this girl whom he'd known since they were little. I didn't like her at all, she came across very rude to me, and snotty. Plus she would have this look to her face like she was in love with him, and would hang all over him in front of me. She called all the time, and I was getting very upset. Finally, I caught him over her house "hanging out", I told him that it was so disrespectful of him to do that. I asked him not to hang out with her on a one on one basis while he was with me. He didn't understand and felt he didn't do anything wrong. I told him that I've never liked her at all, she's always been a b*tch around me. It's funny though cause a lot of his guy friends saw the same things I did.

For me, if I would have met the girl, gotten to know her, and felt pretty comfortable, for the most part I wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out together. But I think it's just the whole issue with the security in the RL, is the trust still there, how good is the RL or is it starting to fail. If there's no trust, it just won't work.

Needless to say he was very immature, really didn't put any thought into my feelings about it, and I have since moved on. But for me having a friendship with the opposite sex is fine, just as long as you have respect for both people in the relationship that you're dealing with. I think also that when dealing with situations like that, it's important to acknowledge everyones feelings, and for each person to say if they have likes or dislikes about that person.

With the insecurity on the GF's part, yeah I would say that to a certain extent. But when a GF is trying to have a RL with her BF, and he wants to talk and hang with his female friends more than his GF, then there's another problem. I would be pissed to a certain extent. But I think it's the BF's job to make sure that she knows what the deal is, make her try to feel secure in that, while respecting her feelings in the process. If she can't respect the BF's friendship and trust him in that, then there's no point in continuing with that RL.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 2:05pm

Of course it's possible. I have male friends who have been in my life since college (so almost 30 years now in some cases). I went to their weddings, am friends with their wives, etc. If I have dinner or drinks with one of them, even if their wife can't be there, there's no issue.

I've made some male friends more recently through online dating, where it became clear that we weren't a match romantically but really *liked* each other's company. I'm thankful that now that these guys have wives/gfs, those women trust their SOs enough to not feel threatened by our friendship (and I've met them and am totally friendly and respectful towards them of course. I even went to one such guy's wedding).

If an SO of mine had female friends, I would be fine with it so long as he was upfront about it and didn't try to hide anything (the hiding is what would make me suspicious not the fact of seeing or talking to each other). I would also want to meet her/them. I always make sure that I'm very upfront about my contact with my male friends when I'm in a relationship and I would expect the same in return.

Sheri