What do you women think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
What do you women think about this?
11
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:56pm

Ok I want everybody's honest opinion here. I've been dating this girl Sarah fairly seriously off and on for a couple years (we've been on now for a month since she had moved back from living for 9 months on the west coast), and things are going pretty well. We had a party at a mutual friend's house last weekend, and I asked her if she was going, she said she was. I asked if she wanted to go together, and she wanted to know when I was going to go. I told her around the same time she was. Then she asked how long I intended to stay, I said 7 or 8PM, she said she might want to leave earlier than that, so she decided to go alone she said. I offered to adjust the time for her so that we could leave the party together, but she resisted and really sounded like she wanted to go alone, so I let her.

So I went to the party, and was having a great time on this guy's boat. As I'm coming to shore, I see that she arrived, and was talking with some guys (one of them named Steve) on the pool deck. As I went to my car to get my dry clothes I noticed I didn't see her car in the driveway, since she said she was going alone. So later when I was coming out of the bathroom from changing I saw her there and said, "Hey I didn't see your car in the driveway." She said, "Oh I got a ride from Steve. He lives a few miles down the road from here and I thought we'd carpool." I thought, "why would it matter that HE lives nearby when SHE still lives 30 minutes away? She would still have to drive to his place." So I sarcastically said, "Good for Steve" and went back to put my wet clothes in my car. When I came back Steve was right next to her, like a puppydog following his mother. I knew they were probably just friends, and I didn't feel threatened by him, just hurt that she said she didn't want to ride with me, and then shows up with somebody else. Why couldn't she have told me before that she wanted to go with somebody else? Why hide it? The few minutes that Steve wasn't right by her side I was able to talk with her for a little while, but then he was right back next to her. I would've gone up and talked with her more during the party, but Steve was next to her almost the entire time, and I didn't want to cause tension or make a scene, as he clearly felt threatened by my talking to her.

Not long after that I was down stairs watching the big screen with some friends, and she walks in with him right behind of course (she's leading this poor guy on, cuz I honestly don't think this guy has much of a chance), and she lies down on the couch. Well Steve comes over, lifts her feet up and sits down and puts her feet in his lap and starts rubbing her feet. She didn't stop him or anything, so that's when I thought, "she's trying to make me jealous, but I'm not going to respond to it and get Steve riled up about it and make a scene", so after awhile I got up and went and talked with some other friends. I actually was having a pretty good time getting to know other people.

Near the end of the night I had tucked myself away in a corner of the house with about 6 other friends, and I was talking with this new girl. I never touched her or anything, not even once, but I was trying to get to know her as she was visiting for 2 months from out of town and about to go home in a few days; finding out what she does, where she's from etc, when Sarah comes up and sits down in a chair behind me with her poor sucker in tow still. (I was thinking, "Will this guy ever leave her side? Isn't that annoying for her?") Well, I still didn't want to respond to her coming to this party with somebody else, or the fact that they were hanging out all night together (friends or not). So I kept talking to this new girl, when out of the blue I get a text message on my phone from Sarah saying, "Just so you know, you acted like a real ass tonight if you want to do anything about it." I couldn't believe my eyes. So I looked around and saw that both Sarah and Steve had left, she must be texting me from his car on her way home.

So I'm in shock that she was upset at me, when I felt I should be the on upset if anybody. She was the one who came with somebody else (and didn't tell me) after I offered to take her 3 times. She was the one with this other guy all night. She was the one who just left with this other guy. I was just mingling and trying to enjoy myself, she wasn't the only reason I came. I had a lot of friends there and was talking to all of them.

I asked Sarah why she thought I was an ass, and she said, "Com'on you were flirting with all those girls all night right in front of me." I thought, "I wasn't trying to do anything in front of you. In fact, I was watching TV with friends when she came in the room with Steve. I was the one that went to the other side of the house with some friends when she came in the room with him again. I never entered a room all night that she was in, in fact I kept going to the other side of the house if I could."

I wanted to let her have fun with Steve (whether they were just friends or not) since that's what she seemed to want. You can't change a girl's behavior, she's gonna do what she's gonna do, so why try and make a big deal about it. If she wanted to be with me, she could walk over anytime. She's the one that came AND left with somebody else. I came and left alone. She claims that Steve and her are just friends, and I believe her. However I was talking with "just friends" the whole time too. She's making such a big deal about it, when I really don't feel I did anything wrong. If anybody did something wrong I thought it was her. I mean what did she want me to do? Should I have walked up to her and Steve and start having a verbal fight with this guy and make the situation worse? Did she want me to get all jealous and throw a spat? Steve was clearly insecure about her leaving him since he was glued to her all night, so it would've gotten ugly had I tried to pry her out of his hands. I think fighting is lame, so I figured Sarah and I would talk later, no big deal. However she kept texting me that night saying I was insecure not coming up and talking to her more, and it was disrespectful and immature to flirt with other girls "right in front of her" when I was never trying to flirt with anyone. I don't play games. I'm 27, I have no need to. I was just having fun at the party minding my own business. I will admit I didn't mind that she happened to come into the room when I was talking with another girl. It let her know that I wasn't worried about her and Steve, and that if she wants to play games I'm not interested.

I could be totally wrong here, but my guess is that she wanted me to stake my claim by coming up and spending the evening with her with or without Steve right there, and then taking her home, but isn't that just a dumb game? That was my feeling all night sort of, but I'm not going to respond to games and tests. I won't jump through silly hoops. Why can't we act like adults, this isn't high school or even college anymore. I've told this woman I really like her several times (everyday pretty much). Again I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but if I am I think this whole thing was very silly. Sorry, I just don't date like that. I'm not 19 anymore.

I know it really doesn't matter who's at fault, as I am completely willing to look past this pointless arguement, but is this MY fault? Should I have tried to talk to Sarah more with Steve right there? I know he would've tried to start some kind of arguement with some sly comment, so I thought I'd leave the situation be. Is this her trying to make me jealous? Is this both of our faults? Is it something else? What should I do in the future if something like this happens again? Thank you for your thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 6:46pm

Maria may be right, but if she is, do you really want to spend time with a woman who can't communicate her needs?

*If* Maria is right, and you stay with Sarah, my crystal ball predicts a future of Sarah acting irrationally whenever she has something to say. If you go along with her game and figure out what the problem is, you are only teaching her that such behaviour is OK. If you let her off the hook this time, she'll do the same to you again.

Find a woman who can communicate her needs clearly and easily and don't settle for anything less.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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