What does this mean??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
What does this mean??
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 1:24pm
I have been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. I am really falling for him, but I'm afraid that he is not someone I should let myself get emotionally attached to. We've been acquaintances for about a year and there's always been this attraction between us. Finally we started seeing each other, he is so different from the kind of men I'm used to being with. He is nice, polite and considerate but he is emotionally very closed up. We had a serious talk about where our relationship was heading (which he initiated). He runs a very successful and demanding business which he started less than a year ago. He is young, intelligent and very driven, and in the pursuit to succeed he says he had to emotionally shut down and focus only on the business. The relationship he was in at that time fell apart because he was no longer able to emotionally satisfy that person. So, now he is warning me that he would not be able to be with me as a boyfriend because emotionally he has nothing to offer. What he wanted was to spend time with me and for us to continue seeing each other, which I assumed meant a casual mostly physical relationship, as there is a strong attraction between us. I told him that I wasn't thinking about where things were going, i was just thinking about the present...for me it was too soon to try to figure those things out. But, I expressed that I was fine with what he had just said. The thing is, I am attracted to him for his accomplishments and ambition, not for how much attention or affection he'll be able to give me. Anyway, we had not slept together yet, and in the past weeks things had definitely been leading up to it. He came over to my place last week and we both knew that it was going to happen. But, while he was over he never initiated anything and at the end of the night was about to leave, So, I started kissing him and things started going further and then we had sex, but I was the one initiating everything. He seemed to be enjoying it but, halfway through he had to stop and wasn't able to finish. This has never happened to me before and it made me feel awkward and bad. I guess it must've shown on my face because he started asking me what's wrong and why I looked so sad. He was having chest and head pains and was even worried it could be a heart attack. I felt totally awful, like I had pushed him into something he wasn't ready for. The next day things seemed fine and he was still showing interest in us continuing to see each other. Then I went out of town for a few days and was out of reach by cell. I came back yesterday and sent him a short SMS but have not heard back from him. I don't know what to think about this guy. I like him alot but maybe he is not someone I should get too close to. And what would have caused him to have chest pains from sex? I never initiate sex, and now the first time that I do it turned out disasterous. Was he turned off by me making the first move? Should I hold back now and wait for him to contact me? Or, should I call him, as a way of showing that I am still interested and not turned off by what happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 7:34pm

Hi !

It sounds to me like he is sexually "off"....you didn't have sex all this time...and then when things got heated...he didn't or couldn't finish....sounds like he has some "anxiety" with the heart symptoms, headache, etc.

You said you were attracted to him for his ambiton and accomplishments (that sounds good)..sounds like you like 'him" for who he is....which could turn out good in this relationship....because if I'm correct and he has

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 1:28pm

He's not going to call you and you shouldn't even bother to call him back. Things sounded weird from the beginning when he told you he "had nothing to offer".

Honestly sounds like he was still burned from the last relationship and that scars anyone. Whether it be trust issues or sex issues or whatever, there are times when people bring that to the next relationship. Sounds like too that he was basically hanging out with you for company and to "temporarily fill the void". If he really had feelings for you, and thought it was going somewhere, he would have call or at least apologized and talked about it. But sounds like he went off running...whether scared or not, he's not coming back.

I don't think this was your fault at all. It was one of those situations where he had too much baggage, then to top it all off, had sex and made you feel bad about the whole thing when he got up, couldn't finish. And to make it even more worse, made the excuse of head and chest pains...because he was embarrassed he couldn't finish. I mean c'mon he could have said he was cramping up or something. But yeah that was an excuse marie!

Like I said if anything where for real with this guy, he would have made things a lot better for you and been honest. A real man will be honest with you, and you will be at a point to be comfortable with him if he finishes or not. And you won't ever have to second guess This situation had nothing to do with you and all with him. It's one of those things that you'll think about for a while.