What gives?
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What gives?
| Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:29pm |
So why is it that when one person posts about her insecurities in her new relationship or "newer" relationship she is supported and told to talk to her man about it, but when another person posts about it she is told to go to counseling. It was almos the same thing about the relationship but WAY different responses.
What gives?

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It could be nuances in the post....
Could you give the links to the original posts that you are comparing so that I can make an informed reply?
Hmmm...interesting that you don't see a suggestion to seek counseling as "supportive". I personally think that it's VERY supportive to suggest that! There are very few people who wouldn't benefit from counseling, IMO.
But in any case, like the other poster said, it often depends on the details...did one poster say that it was a pattern, for instance?
Sheri
I was comparing my post titled "self-doubt, and crying..." and the posts "dealing with my insecurities" and "do i stay silent or talk".
And I would find a suggestion for counseling supportive if it weren't the first thing someone jumped to. I don't feel that people here know me well enough to suggest something like that, especially when someone else that posts about their insecurities is simply told some life stories, and then it's suggested to them that they talk to their SO.
Again I pose the question....What gives?
It goes back to whether the problem at hand or issue involved has anybody else integral to the solution.
If I remember your original post about the self-doubt and crying - it's that your boyfriend wants to live together and becuase of your past experiences, you're terrified if you do it that it won't "work out".
In that case, there is nothing to talk to him about. He wasn't in the past experiences, that have caused your doubts, fears, and insecurities. Those issues aren't his problem, thus he's not the solution.
It'd be you ging into a cohabitational environment with him expecting him to either 'Handle" your fears by constantly hearing about them, or overcome them by being an ever-morphing individual to meet your needs of the moment - that would make your insecurities - his problem. And even then, he wouldn't be the solution.
I don't recall the "do I stay silent or talk" scenario - but even then talking to an SO about how you feel or what you think or want is not a solution...it's just a means of communicating to them what is inside you - so that it better explains the next courses of actions YOU take, becuase of the goals and needs that you have.
So I think in your case, you were told to see a counselor first because nothing in your current relationship is causing your concerns. Everything in your past is cause your fears, anxieties, anger, and doubt....and that has been resurrected with the cohabitation potential.
If you were already living together.......you'd be encouraged to talk to him AND a counselor.....becuase if you were already living together his version of your behavior would be "she's psychotic".......you'd be responding to every fear and doubt and anxiety ridden moment without a goal in mind of a solution...just to get the feeling to dissipate temporarily. That'd make you very unpredictable, unrealiable, and untrustworthy on his view.
You'd be having rpoblems in the relationship, he'd be wanting to leave...or would have left already. But if you were still together you'd be encouraged to "tell" him that ou're insecurity and doubt ridden, and that you have unrealistic expectations of a relationship and how it relates to your future, that is what is "causing" you to richocet off the balls like a golf ball at 100mph, and would he bear with you while you learn to be more mature and secure as an individual while in counseling. That'd make him aware of why you do what you do - and put him in the position to make an informed decision about whether ot stay or not.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Actually, you posted a critical piece of information about yourself that definitely influenced my response...that you'd been involved in an abusive relationship. Life is tough enough...I personally can't imagine anyone getting over something like that *without* counseling, so that's why I suggested it right off the bat. Your past is obviously affecting your relationship to a great extent, so the smartest thing to me would be to get to the source of that and resolve the issues caused by your past...that's not something that talking to your SO is going to help, because it's not anything he's doing, it's your internal dialogue that's causing you to be upset.
Sheri
Thanks for the links.
Yes, as I suspected, the base problems are quite different. While you all have insecurities, the causes are not all similar.
In the cases of "dealing with my insecurities" or "do I stay silent or talk" the boyfriend does have a role in solving the problem....because he is part of the problem.
However, in your case, your boyfriend is doing nothing wrong (that I know of), which means that your problems are yours alone to solve. Your insecurities stem from incidents before your boyfriend came along.
I would also suggest counselling as a matter of course to anyone who's been in an abusive relationship. My concern is "why did you let him treat you like this in the first place?" and "how can you change yourself to ensure that you don't end up in another abusive relationship?".
friendlyblonde,
Trust and self respect are two things that have obviously been torn from you in a past relationship, and understandably so. I believe we have all been there at some point in life, some having a worse time than others. You need to work on these first so that you can have a happy and fulfilling life with your partner or a future partner.
I myself have had my self respect and trust in people stripped from me too, after 5 children and a 21 year marriage. Ive seen a change in me over the past 18 months, due to self evaluation, self help, counseling, and the advice and support of wonderful family and friends. All these avenues of help are a necessity in order to bring someone back to no the person they were, but a much better person!!
Im in a relationship now, and this guy I fell for is a bit of what some here call a committment phob! Maybe he wasnt the best choice for me considering my issues, but I fell in love with him. Now I have been on this board for the past 2 months looking for help and advice as to which way to turn next.
YOU, came here for thoughts, advice and opinions. The respones we get arent always what we want to hear, but they are from people outside of our circle. People that have nothing to lose by being sharing an honest opinion. PLEASE, give their advice a chance.
I have met some of the most wonderful, caring people on this board, that I at times feel like I known them on a personal basis. They have helped me to face my life and my issues and offered me ways to correct those issues. That doesnt mean we have to take the advice of all, but some really does work!! My faith in the world was restored a bit here, because these posters here have put so much time and effort in to helping me, a complete STRANGER, in their lives. I will be forever grateful to so many here, on this board.
I took some advice and went with just the other day. I stood up to my guy and just let him know, in a nice but firm way, that if he wasnt going to make it for our date the other day, that I suppose this relationship wasnt a priority to him. Well I think I shocked him, but guess what, he made it a priority that day and did what he had to do to make it happen. AND surprise to me, who is always worried if I do this or that he'll walk away, he not only made it happen, but to my surprise he wasnt even upset with me for voicing my feelings!! !LOL To think I spent all that energy on being afraid to say what I had to say!!
So take care of you, its a long road, I myself have so much further to go. But one thing I know for sure is that I can come here and vent. ALL THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WILL BE HERE FOR ME ON MY JOURNEY AS THEY HAVE FROM THE START!! AND THEY WILL BE HERE FOR YOU TOO!!
Hi Friendlyblonde..
I too feel the same way. I sometimes wonder if it is how we type the post. I just started participating on this board as well as others and some of the responses have felt down right judgemental and disrespectful. I started typing a response to a poster that I thought was inconsiderate and didn't know the WHOLE story but posted a response to my situation that made me look like an immature, unprofessional child. I know I may not be experienced with dating right now, not to mention I am 40 years old (how sad is that), but it is hard looking for people to help shed light on how we interpret our dating experiences. Yes our posts are one sided and probably manipulated by past experiences but I think these boards are needed to get support and guidance. I also feel that we need to pick and choose which post to rely on. If someone is rude and offensive I ignore the post.
You concerns are justified.
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