What happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
What happened?
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 12:06am
My high school/college sweetheart and I recently went through divorces. During this time of about a year, we reconnected, supported each other as friends, became lovers, and things gradually deteriorated. We each have children. My divorce was my idea, while his divorce was a "surprise" sprung on him by an unstable ex-wife. I don't think he is over her. He is fairly self-centered now, didn't used to be. He has anger management issues and gets frustrated with me because we "fight all the time" when we are together. I never asked him for a relationship, but he did tell me that I am angry because he is not ready for one. Recently I discovered he has put a profile on an online dating website. It is obvious that I am not what he is looking for; he wants the woman who just left him. He wants a trophy wife that he can show off and mold in the way he wants her to be. I know I need to let him go because he is a lost soul and not the man I used to know. I caught him in a lie last week and have not heard from him since. I don't know what I did. He went from everything being fine to now he won't return my phone calls. I'm so confused and what makes it so bad is that I still care for him a great deal. I know that moving on is the right thing to do. How do I do that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:00am
Moving on happens naturally with time when you put your focus back onto your own life, driving yourself forward with your career, your fitness, your hobbies, your family/friends relationships. But it can't happen until you convince yourself that making a real break from the relationship and moving forward is the right thing to do. From my perspective, it very obviously would be the right decision. I imagine at some point he may call you back, but give yourself the closure you need that this is over. I think not returning phone calls, looking for other women online, etc. is enough "evidence" you need for closure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 9:57am

One thing to remember after ANY type of relationship that has ended is that you need to have time apart and just be single for while. That way you can "clean your system out" from the ex. Seems that in this case there wasn't enough time for the both of you to get over the ex's...more so for him.

So yeah you are right in that you need to end this relationship. He clearly has problems that you can't fix...and honestly shouldn't be around at this point due to his actions. Sounds like from the time you knew him till the time you met up again, a LOT has changed, and you were probably thinking a lot of what you knew about him was going to be the same. Unfortunately, people change over time.

So how do you move on...well it's simple. You need to cut ALL contact with him. He's already cut off contact, so you really don't need to tell him that it's over...just accept that it is. If you feel the need to tell him it's over, just leave him a brief VM and tell him it's over...have a nice life..and leave it at that. There's no need to go into detail. Personally...I wouldn't even give him the decency of a VM or phone call.

You need to delete and remove everything that reminds you of him, and change your phone numbers, block his e-mail...etc..etc. Eventually what will happen is that you will block him at every turn and one day he won't ever cross your mind. 100% NO contact is really the only way to move on. He's not right, and you need to accept that. Keep yourself busy too, and make sure you don't even have time to sit and think about him either. Things will get better, but "taking out the trash" is the first step...good luck!