What if I'm not sure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
What if I'm not sure?
4
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 3:15pm

I have been dating this guy for several months. We talk every night, spend most of our weekends together (we live too far to see each other most weeknights and I have kids, so it's hard for me to get out just for a short time to hang out). When I first met him, I really only went out with him because I was mad at the guy I was hanging out with at the time (we weren't dating exclusively, but I decided I needed expand my horizens). At first, I didn't like the current guy. I could never see myself with him. He is so different than any guy I have ever been interested in. Despite my flightiness, he stuck around and we started spending more time together. As a result, I got to know him better and I really like him.

My problem is this: It seems as if things are kind of at a standstill with us. So, he wants to know where it's going. He would like there to be more and he wants to know where I am at. I thought I knew until the question was actually spoken. I tend to get spooked when it comes to relationships, so I have to take things one day at a time. If he's asking me where we are going, how do I answer if I am not sure. If I think too far ahead, then I panic and feel trapped. So, for me, it's easiest to just think in the now. I have been enjoying where we are, and yes I would like it to advance, BUT....what if he's not the one I am supposed to be with (I still hang out with the original guy, but we are just friends....there are so many things about him that I wish I had with the current guy and I would never expect the current guy to change).

I feel like there is something missing, but I am never going to find any one person perfect, right? He is definately ready to find someone to marry and I don't want to waste his time. What if I decide to proceed with the current relationship and it doesn't work out, then I have just taken away more time from him finding the person that is perfect for him.

Then I think, what if I am just staying with him because I am afraid I won't find anyone else that is so nice?

I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to become more.

I know this is confusing, it's just a small sample of what is going on in my head....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 5:03pm
Do you know exactly what it is that is missing with this current guy you are dating? If it's something major that you just can't deal with then i say probably to leave the situation, if it's something small and you think you can deal with this small thing that is missing then play it out and see what happens. If he's asking you this question be honest with him. Tell him that you are uncertain right now what you see in the future for the 2 of you and you are just continuing to get to know him and are having a good time with him and still trying to feel out the situation. Good luck and keep up posted
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:58am
I agree with the previous post. I would say just wait it out and you will know. Eventually you will know if you want to continue to be with him or not. Only time will tell. That's why people date...to see if they are a good match! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:33pm
Along with two people having to be a good match for a relationship to work, you also have to have good timing. If one person is at stage 2 and the other at stage 4 (just an example, I don't have numbered stages though I'm sure someone does) then the timing might be off. Be honest with him. Tell him you need to take it slower and make sure you're making the right decision. If he doesn't want to wait it out, then you have your answer. If he does, then you might find an answer in that, too.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:12pm

<< I feel like there is something missing, but I am never going to find any one person perfect, right?>>

Right. No one is perfect ... you're not perfect ... this guy isn't perfect ... the last guy wasn't perfect. I think when you find someone who's RIGHT for you, you feel like you're your BEST self with that person ... you feel fulfilled and accepted. You truly like who YOU are with that person, kwim?

<< He is definately ready to find someone to marry and I don't want to waste his time. >>

Just be honest with him and let him know that you're not sure. "I just don't know" is a much more honest answer than agreeing to something that you aren't sure you can fulfill. Be honest with him about it and let HIM decide on whether or not he wants to "waste his time." If he wants to continue, despite your uncertainty, that is HIS choice. But, what you don't want to do is make a choice FOR him. Let him decide if he wants it to continue, even though you aren't sure.