What might have been....
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| Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:05pm |
I have a question: Is it wrong to communicate with an ex if you just found out that he is marrying someone else?
I'll explain the situation... We dated off and on for a few years, basically he loved me very much and I treated him very badly, but he continued to take me back over and over. Eventually we moved on and I married and divorced someone else and he had other relationships, the latest of which is his now-fiancee'. I have always felt badly about the way things turned out with him and feel very sentimental about it. After I divorced my ex-husband four years ago, I called the ex and we had a nice conversation and discussed everything that had happened and I told him how badly I felt about the way I had treated him and he was very nice and told me that he wanted me to stop by and see him at his business whenever I was in town, and I said I would but thought better of it later and decided it was best for us just to keep moving on with our lives.
A couple of days ago, I was in his town with a friend of mine and I decided to stop in and see him. He was very nice and told me that he was getting married in a few weeks and we talked for awhile and I told him that I was very happy for him - and I AM - and the meeting went very well. When I left, my friend suggested that he meet us for drinks later if he wanted to and told him where we were going, but I really didn't expect him to show up. Well he did. We ended up having a very emotional encounter where he told me how much in love with me he had been and how much I had meant to him, and he asked me why I couldn't have come back before he met his fiancee', and I asked him what he thought would have happened if things had been different with us, if timing had been better, and he said that WE would be married right now. He is the sweetest guy and I still care for him very much and I have so many regrets about the way things turned out. I feel that he still cares for me too. Anyway, at the end of the evening he said that he wanted to see me again and I said no because I didn't want to cause any problems for him and I want him to marry someone who will make him happy, but I took his phone number anyway and since then I am in absolute turmoil. I can't help thinking that I shouldn't let this person get away again. What can I do to keep him in my life in case it doesn't work out with his now-fiancee'? Can we be friends? I am not seeing anyone right now but I can be respectful of his relationship with her and still maintain contact, can't I?
Any thoughts would be appreciated!

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Ordinarly I'd say to stay as far away as you can get from him. But he's planning on marrying someone else when he still has unfinished business with you. He never put what y'all had in the past. It's still haunting him.
Go ahead and talk to him if you want to. Let him find out NOW if there are things left between you before he breaks someone else's heart. Good luck. Becky
Thank you for replying! I'm not really able to make sense of how I feel about him right now. I thought I had moved on, but seeing him brought out a lot of old feelings. I'm confused, too, about what motivated me to go see him after all this time, too.
There have been several instances over the years (we actually started dating 14 years ago!) where we have been separated for a time and then chance - really weird coincidences - brought us back into each other's lives again, so I'm wondering if it is just something meant to be, but then again I know that that sort of thing is way out there, too. It's funny that I happened to see him two weeks before he is supposed to get married, and it's funny that he seems to be having cold feet in a big way. I know that seeing me was the last thing he needed when he already has wedding jitters anyway!
I just don't know. I do still love him; he will always have a very special place in my heart, but my sister is telling me that there are reasons why I didn't stay with him in the first place, and that maybe I still wouldn't want him if I had him back, but I believe differently. I still carry around regrets every day and I don't know how I'm going to feel knowing that he is married to someone else.
I'm so confused!
Thanks Becky. I know, you are right; I don't think he has ever completely let go of everything we had together. When we were talking the other night, he kept saying "We have been through so much together." I reminded him that he obviously has something with her, too, or he wouldn't have decided to marry her (actually, I think she handed down an ultimatum - at least that's what he told my friend). He said, "Yes, but I was with you a lot longer than I've been with her." That sounded almost like he was DISCOUNTING what he has with her, and it doesn't sound good for their relationship, does it?
This is what I think happened: He has known her since they were kids - his family and her family are friends. How convenient! And it makes everyone happy for them to be together, and it's all so easy. With me, it was different. He was madly in love with me from the first time we went out. I think he's settling because it's convenient and safe and comfortable. How can he love her, really, and say the things he said to me?
I don't know what to do. I could still talk to him, maybe be friendly - but distant - just in case it doesn't work out down the line. Maybe later on we might have another chance. But for now, I cannot bring myself to do anything to cause this wedding not to happen. It would hurt too many people. I think he will have to make the decision for himself, without my involvement, whether he should be with her. I wish he wasn't marrying her, but I don't see any way he can get out of it, really. Too many people want this to happen.
Do the other girl a favor. Push his buttons. See if he's committed to this girl or if you could have him back again. 'Cause if you could have him back, he doesn't deserve her. Sometimes the timing just isn't right. I know if I had met my SO at any other time in my life it NEVER would have worked. Too many other dynamics at work. It was meant to be WHEN it was meant to be. That's just fate for you. And I'm a believer in fate, or whatever you want to call it. Destiny? Now there's a good word....Becky
I can't believe what I'm reading.
To the OP, leave him alone and let him make his own mistakes on his own time. If you two are truly meant to be, he'll figure it out in his own time. I mean, if he truly wanted you, why hasn't he contacted you prior to getting engaged. And if he was pressured, would you really want to be with a man that can be easily coerced into MARRIAGE!!!???
Look. I married that man. I know for the rest of my life, I will always have a special place in my heart for my xh. I know he will have the same for me. Even to this day, we can FEEL that connection, that bond, even thru emails. Heaven forbid we talk on the phone. And god forbid we actually SEE each other.
If we did see each, we both know we'd break up with our SO's, of whom we both plan to marry, so we can be with each other again. It's sad and pathetic. So we both agreed to let go, move on, and never see each other again. We divorced for a reason. And that reason is strong. Very strong. But for the most part, all we both ever think about is how wonderful it was, not how bad it was. We make our r'ship to be something it wasn't "perfect 24/7".
Think about it. Let him live his life. and if he's not happy with his fiance, that's not your problem, nor is it your place to "break them up". Stay out of it. If it's meant to be, the timing will be there, or he'll leave his fiance WITHOUT you butting in.
~pineapple_girl
I kind of agree with southerngal and I kind of agree with pineapple. It does sound to me as if there is unfinished business between you and your ex. I agree with southerngal that he is doing his fiance a HUGE disservice, by settlign for her if you're who he really wants. I also, agree with pineapple that you shouldn't stay involved with him, it isn't your place to "make" him see or stay waiting int he sidelines hoping they'll break up. That just isn't fair to either of you. It keeps you in limbo and turmoil and it kepes temptation to cheat on his fiance/wife hovering around him, which would be difficult for anyone.
If it were ME, I would have ONE (possibly last) conversation with him. This is what I would say, "I would be doing myself an injustice to not tell you I still have very strong feelings for you and I'm gettting the feelign you still have feeligns for me. I just want you to if things were different I'd like to try again. I'm going to walk away now before I can't. If I'm wrong and you are madly in love I hope you find all the happiness in the world with her. If I'm right, please think about what you are doing before it's too late to go back. I know I'm not the safe bet. I know there's no guarentee we can make it work, we didn't before. But it isn't fair to anyone to marry someone you don't love becasue it's safe and easy and what everyone else wants. The selfish part of me hopes I'm right. The unselfish part hopes I'm wrong and that you love her madlya nd are marrying her with a full heart. I just had to tell you how I felt. The rest is up to you." And then I'd leave and let him make HIS choice.
If you REALLY love him you wont make this any harder on him then it already is by hovering around hoping he'll dump her and run into your waiting arms. IF you REALLY love him you'll give him space to make his choice and you'll accept it even if it hurts you, becasue that's what you do when you love someone. You do the unselfish thing.
"IF you REALLY love him you'll give him space to make his choice and you'll accept it even if it hurts you, becasue that's what you do when you love someone. You do the unselfish thing."
Very well said, Nick.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
"IF you REALLY love him you'll give him space to make his choice and you'll accept it even if it hurts you, becasue that's what you do when you love someone. You do the unselfish thing."
Nick, well said. However, I have to comment. If you're doing the "unselfish" thing, that would also mean, NOT sayng how you feel about him and how you hope he's doing the right thing. It's like telling someone you had an affair, so you can "let go of the guilt". It's selfish.
"Needless to say ~ their very different reactions, spoke volumes to her. One was more about her being happy than he was about getting what he wanted."
Well said Steffy. I know I was in that same situation, although I was the "other woman" that my xf wnated. I told him to go back to his gf, work things out. If we were meant to be, he'd be single, and so would I. He fell in love with me even more, and it hurt like hell to let him go, but I did, because I knew I could win, and it wasn't about winning, it was about who he loved (and I wasn't willing to fight for him. I dont' believe in fighting over a man, if he can't choose, he's not worth it).
Great points ladies!
~pineapple_girl
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