What might have been....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
What might have been....
12
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:05pm

I have a question: Is it wrong to communicate with an ex if you just found out that he is marrying someone else?

I'll explain the situation... We dated off and on for a few years, basically he loved me very much and I treated him very badly, but he continued to take me back over and over. Eventually we moved on and I married and divorced someone else and he had other relationships, the latest of which is his now-fiancee'. I have always felt badly about the way things turned out with him and feel very sentimental about it. After I divorced my ex-husband four years ago, I called the ex and we had a nice conversation and discussed everything that had happened and I told him how badly I felt about the way I had treated him and he was very nice and told me that he wanted me to stop by and see him at his business whenever I was in town, and I said I would but thought better of it later and decided it was best for us just to keep moving on with our lives.

A couple of days ago, I was in his town with a friend of mine and I decided to stop in and see him. He was very nice and told me that he was getting married in a few weeks and we talked for awhile and I told him that I was very happy for him - and I AM - and the meeting went very well. When I left, my friend suggested that he meet us for drinks later if he wanted to and told him where we were going, but I really didn't expect him to show up. Well he did. We ended up having a very emotional encounter where he told me how much in love with me he had been and how much I had meant to him, and he asked me why I couldn't have come back before he met his fiancee', and I asked him what he thought would have happened if things had been different with us, if timing had been better, and he said that WE would be married right now. He is the sweetest guy and I still care for him very much and I have so many regrets about the way things turned out. I feel that he still cares for me too. Anyway, at the end of the evening he said that he wanted to see me again and I said no because I didn't want to cause any problems for him and I want him to marry someone who will make him happy, but I took his phone number anyway and since then I am in absolute turmoil. I can't help thinking that I shouldn't let this person get away again. What can I do to keep him in my life in case it doesn't work out with his now-fiancee'? Can we be friends? I am not seeing anyone right now but I can be respectful of his relationship with her and still maintain contact, can't I?

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:05pm

"If you're doing the "unselfish" thing, that would also mean, NOT saying how you feel about him"

This I disagree with; though, I do agree, unburdening yourself is selfish.

The reason I don't agree, is you're right he SHOULD do the right thing and if he doesn't really love his fiance he should end it even if there was no chance of getting back together with the OP. But the sad truth is he's more likely to end the relationship with the fiance if he knows how she feels. If he really loves the fiance her telling him how she feels wont influence his choice and shouldn't make him feel guilty, at least not overly so.

As long as she says how she feels and then walks away leaving him free and clear to make his choice without further interference I don't see how that really hurts anyone involved. And the OP has the added peace of mind that he didn't make an "uninformed" decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:25pm

Disclaimer:

I'm in a bad place today. And well, I'm just sick of men/people who can't take responsibility for their own actions, and instead, only do things in RESPONSE to other people.

So, I was going to get upset about your post Nick, in the sense that the guy has to respond only when the OP says she loves him or whatevers. And I guess, I see no point in responding, mostly cuz, as I said, I'm in a bad place.

Just sick of ppl who REACT to situations/other people, instead of just being PROACTIVE with their own life. And right now, I'm just pissy about it all.

So.....ignore me today.

~pineapple_girl

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