What is my ex doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
What is my ex doing?
7
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:09am
Okay so here's the situation:
Me and ex were togther for a liitle over a year and broke up a year ago but then got back togther in April-June. We tend to go back and forth and not date other people even when we are not together. Anyhow, the reason we broke up & why we go back and forth is b/c I hurt him. My ex is one of the most woonderful people Ive ever been blessed to meet. I love him w/ all of my heart! However, when we were together I was very immature & hurt from past relationships! I treated him like less than an animal. I would do unimagineable & unacceptable cruel things to him. He would cry to me & I would act as though I didnt care even though I did. I basically intentionally sabotaged the relationship. I couldn't believe that I found a good guy after all the garbage I have been exposed to! Regardelss of how I treated him he still treated me like a princess & wanted to marry me b/c he always said that he saw me 4 who I really was.Id cry b/c I hated the person I portrayed. It killed me inside but I would be damned to let him hurt me too. Anyhow, eventually like any human he left & I was devastated!!! I begged 4 him 2 work things out & 2 let me show him who I could be but he said he didnt & wouldnt belive me ever again. This has gone on for months. I was really frustrated b/c I had truly changed & was ready 2 love. I know that sounds selfish but true. While apart I kept pushing 4 him 2b w/ me & he was so annoyed that he said really hurtful things 2 me to keep me away!!!
Now we are talking & I don't know what he wants. I mean he calls me all the time & when I don't answer he gets all worried. I helped him w/ a huge promotion 4 his job & so he came by last night 2 pick it up. He was really sweet and rubbed my back and hugged me, etc. He spoke of how he knows he has 2B w/me b/c we always keep each other grounded. We talked & laughed. He seems to finally be getting over the hurt from the past. He says that I seem so different when I'm not psycho. He knows that I am very jealous & do girls detective wk but he allows it b/c he says hed never do me wrong even when apart. We are planning a weekend getaway to Fla. Also, when he dropped me off at home he called me from the car to say hi. He used to do that all the time. Everything seems so good but I'm just scared. I'm scared that I may do the wrong thing and he will feel I haven't changed. Any advise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:29pm

<< Everything seems so good but I'm just scared. I'm scared that I may do the wrong thing and he will feel I haven't changed. Any advise?>>

Unless you are 100% sure and believing, truly believing that you HAVE changed your old ways ... don't get reinvolved. If you're still suffering from "too good to be true" syndrome, that is, when things "get good" ... you put a sabotage on it ... don't get reinvolved. YOU have to BELIEVE that GOOD is what you deserve. We ALL deserve something GOOD ... but, it's our self-worth/value that keeps people from believing they deserve it. If you believe it, you'll have it.

It's not so much a matter of whether or not he feels you have changed ... it's a question of do YOU believe you have? If so, give it a go and LET IT be good. Ok?! No more jealousy or "detective work" ... just TRUST yourself enough to trust that things CAN be good if you allow it.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:21pm

I think that's great advice! I completely agree.

One thing I'd like to add is in another post Ex, you mentioned that, recently I believe, he had made a comment about you being a cheater and looked to you to admit it. Your response was great, however, if HE stills brings things up to you like that, he is not ready and DON'T GET REINVOLVED! It's very manipulative to continue to bring it up if you two are trying to rebuild even just a friendship. If he still has issues, which would be undertandable IMO, he needs to work through those before you proceed with a r'ship of any sort. At a certain point if forgiveness if offered then that means he should not continue making comments like that to you. That is neither "sweet" nor "wonderful".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 3:24pm
Yes you're both right. I have to believe thatI deserve good things. I truly have changed but I think it's hard for him to believe sometimes and hard for me to believe that I have come so far. He texted me today to tell me how the presentation that I helped him pitch went. I texted back to call me at work with more details and got nothing back yet. Urgh I am just so insecure that he may not call and I know I should stay positive b/c of what you fabulous people said but it's nerve racking for me b/c I love this man so much! Any advise on how to keep cool?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 4:05pm

Breathe! LOL!! Have you ever tried affirmations? They feel wierd at first but they do have a claming effect. I'm not sure if my "go to" would be appropraiet in this instance but I'll share it for example sake: I am a woman of power, wonder and strength.

It can be anything positive. I am a calm and patient woman, There is love and abundance all around me, etc.

Just breathe and repeat something positive to yourself until it stops feeling silly and starts feeling really good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 4:54pm
Wow thanks! You helped bring a smile to my face and a sense of relief! I feel like I have puppy love excpet with adult situations...lol So I take it I should hold off on hooking up right? I already know that I shouldn't but damn it's hard : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 5:26pm

Girl, I know it's hard but it's worth the wait! I can't guarntee that you and he will end up together by waiting but I'd bet a lot of money that if you were to hook up right now, you WILL NOT end up with the r'ship you're hoping for!

How about this affirmation: I am a woman that can satisfy all of my own needs. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:35am
It's funny because this weekend I had so many thought running through my head and I actually tool the time out to do those affirmations! They did help me some. Oh and I know you're right and so I will not hook up with him....ergh! Sux so bad ha ha ha