Pianoguy is surprised nobody has answered this question....considering the fact that you posted it about a week ago!
After 2 unsuccessful marriages (one which ended much too soon)...along with a 3.5 year relationship with the "girlfriend from hell"....I can only provide one man's definition of the word: TRUST! I honestly think that TRUST is a combination of faith, observation and a willingness to provide a person with an opportunity.
1. Faith is the confidence we have in other people. The contacts we make might be personal or professional. But most of us usually have a willingness to give others a chance? TRUST involves TAKING A CHANCE!
2. Observation is connected to the people we know (or don't know) and how we notice the way that they behave. A person's behavior often makes us comfortable---or uncomfortable. So TRUST is determined by "the comfort zone"---that evolves inside of us when we interact with others.
3. An opportunity (whether it's connected to a personal issue like marriage, or some sort of professional advancement...as in a job promotion) is an invitation to EXTEND OUR TRUST towards an individual! These are individuals whom we feel are 'a good fit' for us, along with the lifestyle we'd like to lead. Sometimes our assessment about another individual is 100% correct! Then there are other times when we've COMPLETELY MADE THE WRONG CHOICE! So we attempt to 'undo the damage with as little pain as possible' while readjusting our heads? This way...the same mistake(s) won't be made a 2nd or a 3rd time. TRUST is "learning by experiences"----GOOD OR BAD?
TRUST helps us learn about ourselves....while we're learning about others! And it's amazing how "smart" each of us can become! Over time...most of us are willing to accept certain habits or characteristics about the people who enter our lives----while rejecting the habits or characteristics that make us uncomfortable?
Hopefully....I didn't 'go off the deep end' to provide an answer to your question?
The key ingredient of trust is faith. The only thing I can add to that is that having faith in OURSELVES is also a key in trust.
If we do not trust ourselves to make smart choices or to judge another person's character we are unable to have meaningful trust in others. A lesson it took me 33 years and a LOT of mistakes to learn.
As with love, in order to offer trust or faith we must first have it in ourselves.
The truth is in the final analysis life really is all about you, your choices, your faith, your love, your happiness. It isn't about being selfish, but it is about self-knowledge, self-fulfillment, making yourself a priority, becasue it is completely impossible to be happy, and to SHARE that happiness with others, unless you are able to trust and love yourself.
Someone sent me an article about how to rebuild trust once. After I read it, it was like a lightbulb going on. Trust isn't about faith, about believing what someone does. It isn't about respect. I learned, it's all about consistency.
If someone does something consistently, s/he builds trust, that he will keep his word, or do what he says, or not do what he says he won't do, etc.
I trust somewhat easily, but I also can lose that trust even easier, when someone either does something they way they won't, or doesn't do something they say they will.
So, consistency. If my SO is consistent in his behavior, about doing thigns he says he'll do, or not doing things he says he won't do, trust is built, trust is formed, trust grows. However, the one time he "fails" to do what he says, the trust is completely gone. I can forgive, I can relearn to trust. But it again, comes down to HIM being consistent with his words and actions.
You earn trust. He needs to earn MY trust. And that can only be done, thru consistent behavior. To me, THAT is what trust is now. It's "consistent behavior" (and i"m not talking, being a consistent ass or cheater or what not). Yes, you can fall down, but if you're consistent, I will forgive and move on. Consistency is key. To grow trust, to keep it.
No doubt MOSTLY consistent behavior helps to build trust. A persons words matching their actions helps to build trust. It gives you logical reason to believe in and have faith in that person and backs up whatever gut feelings you may hvae about them and their character. It's smart to observe soemone's behavior before you choose to trust him/her completely. But...
You have to rememeber NO one is 100% consistent all the time and if you're always looking for the one time they trip up you'll find it even if it isn't really a big deal.
You'll constantly be in a cycle of "Okay you've earned my trust. Oops you did something inconsistent, now it's gone again. Guess you're going to have to jump through some more hoops to try to get it back."
If your trust disappears every time a person disappoints you that isn't really trust in the first place.
Trusting a person also involves giving him/her the benefit of the doubt and sometimes that means letting go of something you percieve as being inconsistent or disappointing or even hurtful. Really trusting a person means you know they would never do anything to hurt you intentionally and therefore you can let go of minor lapses in judgement or a little inconsistent behavior or even him/her hurting you once in a while.
If you expect someone to never hurt you or to always be consistent or to never disappoint you, you are going to spend a great deal of your life feeling very, very lonely and very disappointed that you have no one you can trust to be there for you. Because at some point or another, no matter how much soemone loves you they are going to hurt you, they are going to disappoint you, they are going to be inconsistent, and they are going to lie about something.
It's called being human. If your trust disappears the moment your SO "screws up" it was never there in the first place, real trust can withstand a lot more then a little inconsistancy.
Well, I never said half the things you wrote. I don't EXPECT a person to be ALWAYS consistent (as you wrote), nor do I NEVER expect someone to hurt me (as you wrote). However, I DO expect the person who loves me, to be consistent with their behavior at least 95% of the time.
So please, don't put words in my mouth. I'm not some person who'll say, "you screwed up, see ya". however, at the same time, yes, they will screw up and they will hurt and they will lie. However, I expect the man who loves me to come forth, with the lie, to come forth, and say why he hurt me, come forth, and be the man I know he is. And only THEN will I decide if he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Because to me, not everything is forgiveable, nor redeemable.
Cheating is one. I don't give second chances for that. Lying about something huge. I don't forgive easily about that either. I also don't like lying to protect yourself. Or because you're embarrassed, scared, etc. I have lived with a man that does just that, and everything out of his mouth IS a lie. Because he's scared of the reaction I may or may not give. To me, that's not a healthy r'ship, and I can't be with someone like that.
That's not living. So............I hope that makes more sense. I think you misread what I wrote. I am not saying it's THIS or THAT. and that is it! I am however saying, consistency is key to trust, w/o it, your trust will slowly go away.
Think about it. If your df wasn't consistent in his loving actions and at times, blew up at you, yelled obsenities at you, say, once every other month, would you trust him fully? What if he disappeared not once, but say, 3 times a year, for a week at a time (and I don't mean for work). would you trust him? the point is, it may happen erratically, but would you forgive and forget 100%? What if his actions in general were never consistent, could you trust him? Would you trust him?
Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't.
Consistency breeds trust. With trust, THEN you can give the benefit of the doubt. WITHOUT that consistency, you'd never even have trust to begin with. THAT was the point of my post. And if that consistency is broken, it's a case by case for me, if I'd forgive or not.
"I trust somewhat easily, but I also can lose that trust even easier, when someone either does something they way they won't, or doesn't do something they say they will."
This is what you wrote and what led to my assertions.
If you look for inconsistancy you will find it, not that you should put blinders on to the blantly obvious (like the things you mentioned). I merely mean if look hard enough for it you can find it even where it doesn't really exist. In the begining of my relationship with my fiance I found inconsistancy everywhere I turned, because I was looking for it and I was looking for it because I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself or my own judgement. I studied every minute detail and every word he said and I analyzed it until I found what I was looking for: lies, or even the possibility of a lie.
And everytime I thought I found something I'd rake him back over the coals and rip away my trust no matter how sensible and believeable the explanation and make him jump through hoops all over agin to ragain something that I never should have taken away.
There were a couple of times I was right and yes he did EVENTUALLY fess up, apologize, etc. But more often then not I was wrong and I put us both through quite a bit of additonal trouble and pain because I didn't trust myself. Which is the point of my original post if you don't trust yourself you can't trust anyone no matter how trustworthy or consistent they are. Because you'll always be doubting yourself and looking for the thing you might have missed until invariably you find "it".
And I mean you in the universal sense not you personally.
We'll probably just agree to disagree, but my OPINION is that consistancy is a crucial ingredient for trust but the KEY is trusting yourself before you even TRY to trust someone else. Because a person can be pretty dingy and inconsistent and still be trustworthy (my maid of honor for one), but it's darn near impossible to trust somebody if you're always looking for trouble because you don't trust yourself.
cl-bastphilly...
Pianoguy is surprised nobody has answered this question....considering the fact that you posted it about a week ago!
After 2 unsuccessful marriages (one which ended much too soon)...along with a 3.5 year relationship with the "girlfriend from hell"....I can only provide one man's definition of the word: TRUST! I honestly think that TRUST is a combination of faith, observation and a willingness to provide a person with an opportunity.
1. Faith is the confidence we have in other people. The contacts we make might be personal or professional. But most of us usually have a willingness to give others a chance? TRUST involves TAKING A CHANCE!
2. Observation is connected to the people we know (or don't know) and how we notice the way that they behave. A person's behavior often makes us comfortable---or uncomfortable. So TRUST is determined by "the comfort zone"---that evolves inside of us when we interact with others.
3. An opportunity (whether it's connected to a personal issue like marriage, or some sort of professional advancement...as in a job promotion) is an invitation to EXTEND OUR TRUST towards an individual! These are individuals whom we feel are 'a good fit' for us, along with the lifestyle we'd like to lead. Sometimes our assessment about another individual is 100% correct! Then there are other times when we've COMPLETELY MADE THE WRONG CHOICE! So we attempt to 'undo the damage with as little pain as possible' while readjusting our heads? This way...the same mistake(s) won't be made a 2nd or a 3rd time. TRUST is "learning by experiences"----GOOD OR BAD?
TRUST helps us learn about ourselves....while we're learning about others! And it's amazing how "smart" each of us can become! Over time...most of us are willing to accept certain habits or characteristics about the people who enter our lives----while rejecting the habits or characteristics that make us uncomfortable?
Hopefully....I didn't 'go off the deep end' to provide an answer to your question?
It's strictly my 2 cents!
Pianoguy
I agree with pianoguy.
The key ingredient of trust is faith. The only thing I can add to that is that having faith in OURSELVES is also a key in trust.
If we do not trust ourselves to make smart choices or to judge another person's character we are unable to have meaningful trust in others. A lesson it took me 33 years and a LOT of mistakes to learn.
As with love, in order to offer trust or faith we must first have it in ourselves.
The truth is in the final analysis life really is all about you, your choices, your faith, your love, your happiness. It isn't about being selfish, but it is about self-knowledge, self-fulfillment, making yourself a priority, becasue it is completely impossible to be happy, and to SHARE that happiness with others, unless you are able to trust and love yourself.
Someone sent me an article about how to rebuild trust once. After I read it, it was like a lightbulb going on. Trust isn't about faith, about believing what someone does. It isn't about respect. I learned, it's all about consistency.
If someone does something consistently, s/he builds trust, that he will keep his word, or do what he says, or not do what he says he won't do, etc.
I trust somewhat easily, but I also can lose that trust even easier, when someone either does something they way they won't, or doesn't do something they say they will.
So, consistency. If my SO is consistent in his behavior, about doing thigns he says he'll do, or not doing things he says he won't do, trust is built, trust is formed, trust grows. However, the one time he "fails" to do what he says, the trust is completely gone. I can forgive, I can relearn to trust. But it again, comes down to HIM being consistent with his words and actions.
You earn trust. He needs to earn MY trust. And that can only be done, thru consistent behavior. To me, THAT is what trust is now. It's "consistent behavior" (and i"m not talking, being a consistent ass or cheater or what not). Yes, you can fall down, but if you're consistent, I will forgive and move on. Consistency is key. To grow trust, to keep it.
~pineapple_girl
No doubt MOSTLY consistent behavior helps to build trust. A persons words matching their actions helps to build trust. It gives you logical reason to believe in and have faith in that person and backs up whatever gut feelings you may hvae about them and their character. It's smart to observe soemone's behavior before you choose to trust him/her completely. But...
You have to rememeber NO one is 100% consistent all the time and if you're always looking for the one time they trip up you'll find it even if it isn't really a big deal.
You'll constantly be in a cycle of "Okay you've earned my trust. Oops you did something inconsistent, now it's gone again. Guess you're going to have to jump through some more hoops to try to get it back."
If your trust disappears every time a person disappoints you that isn't really trust in the first place.
Trusting a person also involves giving him/her the benefit of the doubt and sometimes that means letting go of something you percieve as being inconsistent or disappointing or even hurtful. Really trusting a person means you know they would never do anything to hurt you intentionally and therefore you can let go of minor lapses in judgement or a little inconsistent behavior or even him/her hurting you once in a while.
If you expect someone to never hurt you or to always be consistent or to never disappoint you, you are going to spend a great deal of your life feeling very, very lonely and very disappointed that you have no one you can trust to be there for you. Because at some point or another, no matter how much soemone loves you they are going to hurt you, they are going to disappoint you, they are going to be inconsistent, and they are going to lie about something.
It's called being human. If your trust disappears the moment your SO "screws up" it was never there in the first place, real trust can withstand a lot more then a little inconsistancy.
Well, I never said half the things you wrote. I don't EXPECT a person to be ALWAYS consistent (as you wrote), nor do I NEVER expect someone to hurt me (as you wrote). However, I DO expect the person who loves me, to be consistent with their behavior at least 95% of the time.
So please, don't put words in my mouth. I'm not some person who'll say, "you screwed up, see ya". however, at the same time, yes, they will screw up and they will hurt and they will lie. However, I expect the man who loves me to come forth, with the lie, to come forth, and say why he hurt me, come forth, and be the man I know he is. And only THEN will I decide if he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Because to me, not everything is forgiveable, nor redeemable.
Cheating is one. I don't give second chances for that. Lying about something huge. I don't forgive easily about that either. I also don't like lying to protect yourself. Or because you're embarrassed, scared, etc. I have lived with a man that does just that, and everything out of his mouth IS a lie. Because he's scared of the reaction I may or may not give. To me, that's not a healthy r'ship, and I can't be with someone like that.
That's not living. So............I hope that makes more sense. I think you misread what I wrote. I am not saying it's THIS or THAT. and that is it! I am however saying, consistency is key to trust, w/o it, your trust will slowly go away.
Think about it. If your df wasn't consistent in his loving actions and at times, blew up at you, yelled obsenities at you, say, once every other month, would you trust him fully? What if he disappeared not once, but say, 3 times a year, for a week at a time (and I don't mean for work). would you trust him? the point is, it may happen erratically, but would you forgive and forget 100%? What if his actions in general were never consistent, could you trust him? Would you trust him?
Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't.
Consistency breeds trust. With trust, THEN you can give the benefit of the doubt. WITHOUT that consistency, you'd never even have trust to begin with. THAT was the point of my post. And if that consistency is broken, it's a case by case for me, if I'd forgive or not.
~pineapple_girl
"I trust somewhat easily, but I also can lose that trust even easier, when someone either does something they way they won't, or doesn't do something they say they will."
This is what you wrote and what led to my assertions.
If you look for inconsistancy you will find it, not that you should put blinders on to the blantly obvious (like the things you mentioned). I merely mean if look hard enough for it you can find it even where it doesn't really exist. In the begining of my relationship with my fiance I found inconsistancy everywhere I turned, because I was looking for it and I was looking for it because I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself or my own judgement. I studied every minute detail and every word he said and I analyzed it until I found what I was looking for: lies, or even the possibility of a lie.
And everytime I thought I found something I'd rake him back over the coals and rip away my trust no matter how sensible and believeable the explanation and make him jump through hoops all over agin to ragain something that I never should have taken away.
There were a couple of times I was right and yes he did EVENTUALLY fess up, apologize, etc. But more often then not I was wrong and I put us both through quite a bit of additonal trouble and pain because I didn't trust myself. Which is the point of my original post if you don't trust yourself you can't trust anyone no matter how trustworthy or consistent they are. Because you'll always be doubting yourself and looking for the thing you might have missed until invariably you find "it".
And I mean you in the universal sense not you personally.
We'll probably just agree to disagree, but my OPINION is that consistancy is a crucial ingredient for trust but the KEY is trusting yourself before you even TRY to trust someone else. Because a person can be pretty dingy and inconsistent and still be trustworthy (my maid of honor for one), but it's darn near impossible to trust somebody if you're always looking for trouble because you don't trust yourself.