What should be my next step?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
What should be my next step?
4
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 4:24pm

Just to set up a back story to this, I am about three months out of a four year relationship. My ex cheated on my with a girl he found online, came back to me after a weekend he spent with her, and a month later, was holding hands and walking into Victoria's Secret with a girl from his work. I ended the relationship right there, and feel like I've really made good progress in my life since getting rid of him, but there are still scars from having your first love do that to you, which I'm sure alot of women out there can relate to.


About a month after I broke up with my ex, one of my best friends introduced me to her boyfriend's roommate, who is also a very good friend of her's. I was attracted to him almost right away, but at the time, didn't really want to try for anything besides healing. However, the following weekend, he invited me over to his place for a party, and since then, we've hung out at least two or three times a week, which is really a lot for both us since I'm juggling two jobs, an internship, and school, and he works full time and goes to school too. It has escalated to the point where I stayed over at his apartment several times, and we have had sex twice. When we're together, it's really nice; he's always telling me how comfortable he is with me and has already introduced me to his best friend and told his mother about me. However, I'm having some big mental issues, and I'm just needing some advice on how to handle all this, or if I'm just blowing it out of porportion due to how my last relationship ended.


Another note on my guy is that he had gotten out of really terrible relationship about four months before we met. He was still talking with his ex even after the break-up though, but has since cut off communication with her after we met. However, he had to deal with her for several months wanted him to take care of her, even after they were broken up, and leading him on for a really long time. He doesn't really talk about it, but when it does come up, it's obvious that it still really hurts.


Okay, on to my issues, lol. I have a couple of questions, but any advice at all with what to do would be really nice.


First off, I'm not even sure if we're dating. I'm almost a hundred percent sure we are exclusively seeing each other, but we haven't dropped the boyfriend or girlfriend word once. I don't want to push him at all, since it's been my experience that that can scare guys away really quickly, but it is all very confusing for me.


Second, it's almost always me setting up our hang out times. Granted, I am the busier of the two of us, but I don't know if I should be worried. Our first few hang out plans

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 9:10am

First off, I'm not even sure if we're dating.
--My opinion is that you gave it up too soon w/o knowing where the so-called relationship was going. He seems that he's not quite over his ex yet. Remember it takes time to be single before you can truly date again. It sounds like he's not even sure what he wants. But it doesn't hurt to ask him.

Second, it's almost always me setting up our hang out times.
--That's a big clue right there. You see if your guy was truly interested, he'd be making a lot of the plans and initiating them. Remember if you want a relationship to work it's 50/50 and not 100/0. Leaving a little mystery with guys and making them work for your attention and time works in your favor.

He was telling me how after he broke up with his last girlfriend, he's been doing things he never thought he would do.
--He's talking to you about it because he feels comfortable and probably because you were in the same situation. He's also not over his GF if he keeps talking about her. If he had any feelings for you, he would take the time to be single and get over the ex first before getting into anything with you.

Bottom line, sounds like both of you need to back off and take time to be single again and "clear your system out". Bouncing from RL to RL doesn't help you at all. Giving yourself a good 6-12 months of no dating, no BF's, no nothing will not only help you in your next RL, but you won't be bringing up any ex's..like the guy you are dating did to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 12:56pm

I agree with sweatpea....this is moving way too fast, since you both just got out of a long term relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 3:16pm
Thanks for the advice. I think you guys are right. I think I just didn't want to pass out on something with a guy who has a lot of qualities I like, but I agree that it might've moved too fast. Do you think I should talk to him about slowing things down for a bit, or even not continuing this until we're both completely over what happened with our exs?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 9:32am

I would put a stop to things for now, take the time to heal and get my head straight, let him do the same, and later on down the road, if you are both still interested then try again.