What should I do?
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| Mon, 03-06-2006 - 2:42pm |
I'll try to make a long story short. I was with my ex for 3.5 years, and we have been broken up for 2 months now. I dumped him because I had enough of the immature stuff, like him wanting to hang out with his friends, him constantly working all the time, I had trust issues with him, and so on. Basically in my life and my goals moved above and beyond the relationship. I wanted a serious relationship, and wanted someone that was ready to move on...start a life together... etc. I established myself and my career, I make good money, and I'm at the point where I want someone of the same quality and place in their life.
During the past 2 months, he has been contacting me through e-mail with very brief statements. He's also contacted me at work, for really silly stuff. Everyone keeps saying to me that "maybe he's realizing what he lost". For me, that whole connection/attraction of feeling the need to be with him, jealously/anxiousness, etc is gone for me. I can look at him, and not feel the need to be with him, like I did when we were together. I'm not in love with him, but I do love him and care for him. A few weeks ago, we met up and had a long talk. He said that he "missed me", missed doing the fun things that we did the RL, like hanging out, doing stuff together, watchin TV/movies, etc. But said that he wanted to be with me, but without having the "serious" attachment to it. I told him that "you and I both know that we are at 2 different places in our lives, and we already had the conversation about what I need from you, so as far as I'm concerned when you and I are at the same level and place in our lives, and are ready to have something serious... and when you can look at me and seriously think about marriage...but not ness. with me...then we can talk again...but we will have a long talk about things...so just know that". I also said that "I want to go out with other guys, and see what else is out there, and you should do the same". He said that he's gone out on other dates but it was "never the same".
He knows that with his work schedule, he has very little time to be with someone( he works 2 jobs and is currently trying to get into his real estate stuff full time ), let alone myself. So basically he knows what he needs to do, in order to be with me. Not a week has gone by since we haven't had some kind of contact with each other. It makes it hard to move on from him, but yet I wonder sometimes. During this time, he was always coming to me, I didn't go to him. I made one or two replies back to what he sent, but that was about it.
This past week we spent 2 days together. I contacted him this time, the next day he contacted me. Things were good and the attraction was definately there, and we ended up getting "together" the 2nd day. We had a talk during that time, basically that him and I are on the same level as far as what we feel towards each other and what we have right now. He seemed pretty happy with spending time with me the past few days, and so did I. Beyond what he has said to me, I don't know what else is going on through his head. Right now, he's on vacation in FL and will be back in a week. Right now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied from not contacting him, or talking about him. And just going on with my business as I normally have.
So I guess my thought on this is, do I continue to let him contact me, while keeping my distance like I have before...or is there something else I'm missing. I've tried to cut contact from him, but that's the hardest part. I find that the less I speak with him and the more I ignore him, the more he contacts me. I could honestly see us back together in a year from now, once he's established his career, guidelines are set on both sides, and he's matured a little more. But I really can't predict how the future will turn out. Should I talk with him about things, or should I just cut all contact with him, or should I just let the time between us take it's course?
Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Actually, I do not see where he is immature from this. You want someone who is mature and is focused on a career, etc… Then, you said he works to jobs currently and is trying to get his real estate license. With that is what makes me ask what is it really, he seems focus on his career and maybe a little to focus and not having time with you. Maybe you think it is immature that when he isn’t working he would like to hang out with his friends. I am not sure but from what you posted and how you describe him confuses me and wonder do you really want to be with him? What are you future goals, time lines of them and what are his? Let’s start there and see if this is something you should continue with or move on.
He's focused but he also has a problem with working too much. Granted he is trying to get out of his current job and into his real estate stuff (which he's licensed in MD and PA), in which I'm really proud of him. He just started less than a year ago, so things haven't really started up yet. And when he's not working at either his regular job or his real estate stuff, he'll be doing a side job. He has spent 80% of his time doing work, he'll spend another 10% with friends, and anything else with that will be with family/himself/or a GF. He's got a problem with working just like an alcoholic has a problem with drinking, he doesn't know how to slow down and stop...he needs help. So maybe that gives you a better idea on that.
It's the fact that he is choosing to spend all of his energy into something that not always ness. for him to be in. Plus there are other "reasons" behind the matter that he chooses to overwork himself. Right now, he's not getting enough in from real estate and his reg. job he's barely getting by on. His immature side comes from being so focused on everything else around him(doing stuff and hanging out with people that are below him and not his age - acting/doing stuff like he's 18 when he's 25), and not taking care of his relationship with his GF and putting the time and energy into it (namely me when we were together). A lot of his personal problems stem from his childhood issues.
The thing is I know what I want, I have my "career" and good stable job, I don't have any outstanding bills, and I don't spend it on stupid stuff. I've come to the point where I'm ready for that next step, and when I was with my ex after 3.5 years he still wasn't ready (a lot of that had to do with him not being secure in his job/not happy in it/and not bringing enough in to support himself along with someone else). I told him that the only way we would be together is if he was "ready for a serious RL", and that he and I needed to be on the same "level" in life, and that we would have to have a long talk about things. He did understand what I was saying, so as far as I'm concerned he knows what he needs to do and where he needs to be in order for us to happen.
Like I said I could honestly see us together if he got his "act" together. But as far as right here and now, I don't know how to act towards him. He keeps "knocking at my door", and it's hard not to "open it" if you know what I mean. I know that I can only think ahead so far right now, and I can't see how a year is going to be for me. So the thing I'm trying to deal with right now is do I keep doing what I'm doing by keeping my distance from him and have small/brief contact, should I cut things all together or what? Granted it's hard not to talk to someone after a "good" breakup and being on good terms with each other...plus having the feelings still there for the both of us. Right now I don't want to be with him. I want to go out, date other people and see what's out there.
I'm just trying to figure out where I should go from here... just like everyone else :-)
I think you should go out and date, meet other people. Frankly, this is just me, your expectations is a bit high. He is 25 not 35 I have dated my fare share of guys that age and very rare are they to the point of a 35 y/o man. Or even 28 for that matter. I meet guys who or 27 and are just beginning to slow down from the early 20 partying maybe it is because they are seeing 30 closer then before. But, very few men are ready to settle down and be a family man at 25. Let alone have started or prepared to be there. Remember women tend to mature much faster and by the time we are 25 we feel we should be married with 1.2 kids living a happy life. Well, reality is if you settle down to that by then more likely then none your divorced before your 30 because the guy tends to get the flight ordeal for settling down so young and tend to look at younger women then himself because he feels he is getting old. I am not sure what it is about 30 but it is a time many guys want to begin settling down and those who have already and established a family feel they missed something and try to run to go get what he missed in his 20’s.
I don't see that happening for a couple of years myself for him. And that's what I'm trying to do is to go out and meet other people. I know that we can't be together right now, and I've already told him what I wanted. And no, he hasn't put any effort into getting me back. Basically he's said that he doesn't want a "serious" relationship, and I've told him that I do.
But at the same time, he's still around. There's feelings there between the both of us. And I'm having a hard time trying to get away from that. But I guess after as long as we were together, it would be hard for anyone to get away from all of this. And there's the fact of "getting over him", how do you do that when you dont want to tell that person to stop contacting them. Maybe I just need to come to a point where I do need to cut it off and say to him "when your ready for a committed relationship with me, give me a call"...or something along those lines.
I screwed up the other day by sleeping with him after 2 months of breaking up, and he's called me twice yesterday. He's talked about getting together and doing fun stuff when he gets back from vacation, and so on. Granted that's all tempting but it's hard keeping my "head on straight".
Anyways I guess it's best if I keep my distance from him like I've been trying to do. Keep doing fun stuff for myself along with meeting new people, and go out on dates. And if we are meant to be I guess then it will happen, if not then I know there's someone better out there for me.
this sounds exactly like me and my ex a little while back..
i found that having no cantact was extremely hard and ended up contacting him for silly little things like " did i leave my coat in your car" knowing that i hadn't even taken it out with me etc.
if i didnt contact him it didnt take long for him to contact me,it's a big circle that is difficult to get out of.I soon realised that i wasnt contacting him because i felt the need too,it was just out of habit.I thought i loved him but didnt..the only way i got out of it was by changing my number..
its been six months now and i havn't felt the need to contact him, so my advice would be to try and avoid contact with him and see how you get on, during that time you will find out exactly what your feelings are for him..i dont know if this will help but i thought i would share my past experience with you.If you are going to take my advice then i would let him know what you are doing first,last thing you want is to not contact him then realise you do love him and him being annoyed as you havn't told him.
good luck!