What was his deal? how do I react now?
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| Thu, 01-05-2006 - 8:20pm |
My holidays could have been a hell of a lot better. I spent New Years with a dude that was in a mood and barely came near me. And I have only myself and my "friend" to blame right? There was this other guy from my past that we were friends and I had a crush on him back in highschool. He reappears after 7 years of no contact and we start talking again and this time around he wants to start something serious. I tell him straight away that I am talking to someone and it is seeming serious- just to nix any motives the dude had. However many times I tell him and the fact that I don't want to lead him on and that I am with someone else he was still contacting me. Then I tell my "friend" about it to vent. Needless to say that was the end of that so I thought anyway.
I had a lovely weekend before New Years with my guy, he comes over, we spend the night cuddling watching television he even brings me a box of chocolates which he says his sister gave him to give away since she didn't want it. Then comes New Years where all our friends are hanging out and my "friend" idly mentions this other guy while all three of us are on a munchie run. I haven't mentioned the situation to him and in order to not let it seem like something more then what was implied by her I tell him the situation. He provides a simple solution to my problem of the guy constantly trying to gain contact with me. And stays in a mood the whole evening and beyond that. He barely said two words to me, he flirted with my "friend" and didn't look my way. Then what hurt the most was the fact that instead of sharing a bed with me while we all were getting ready to sleep he gives up his spot to our other friend and he goes to sleep in the futon where my "friend" is at. The next day or rather later that morning since it was already 5am when this happened he gets up and gets dressed I don't even look his way cause I know I got the brush off. He tells all of us after getting a call from family that he is going to leave and I don't hear from him or haven't since.
I just don't understand what happened since he knows that I told the other guy I wasn't interested. I figure the other chick is sabatoging me cause she knows something is going on but doesn't know how serious he and I are, and also she has a thing for him. And I know he blew me off since that moment since we made plans beforehand to hangout the day after New Years and he didn't call when that day came and went.
So yeah my questions are - what is his deal? is it even serious between us because we haven't talked about it? and what do I do about all of this mumbo jumbo now?
Oh and by the way none of our friends know about us yet

You're story was a little hard to follow but ... since you said << Oh and by the way none of our friends know about us yet >> ... I'm inclined to say that it's not all that serious ... since, usually, people who are serious about each other are out in the open about it.
You didnt say how long you've been dating or seeing each other ... but, keep in mind that ... cuddling up watching TV and a box of chocolates doesn't mean that there's anything serious going on. It could just mean that he enjoys your company, when it's convenient for him.
Sounds like you have some meddling friends, or at least, a group of friends who are easily influenced by what others say. He may have heard something he didn't like. Who knows?
But, since you said you haven't talked about it, perhaps it's time to just say "this is what I'm looking for" and let him know what you want. As well, since you haven't talked about "it" (and by "it" I'm guessing that you mean what the two of you are?) ... that means that there's no agreement, stated or implied, that you can't see other people.
So, my question is, why give the other guy who seemed interested in you the brush off, since it doesn't seem like you have anything solid established with the "bad mood" guy. If you want to pursue something further with "bad mood" guy, then ... you have to let him know that. No assumptions. All things considered, based on what you said, it doesn't seem like you're "with" this guy yet ... though, you may WANT to be, kwim?
I'm not sure how old you are - but here's an explanation.
Basically - you and this guy are "hanging out and hooking up" (if you're already having sex). Not the one that's "reappeared" - but the one who was in the mood.
He comes over, brings you chocolates his sister was going to dump in the trash, cuddles, gets laid. HE's got the message - you don't have to be dated to be slept with. You're good with hanging out and hooking up.
The BEST part of hanging out and hooking up is that he doesn't have to care about or consider your feelings, thoughts, needs, or your life at all - unless he wnats to, on a whim, or never at all - it's up to him to decide. Because this isn't a relationship, he owes you nothing - this is two people with nothing better to do getting together and watching TV, snuggling and getting it on.
The WORST part of hanging out and hooking up is that because he doesn't have to care about you and you're NOT his responsiblity.....and you are a free agent in charge of your own life and interests, bills and attachments......that he can't dicate to you "now look, you know that the only person you drop the bikini panties for is me". HE knows that you'e fine with casual sex, he figures you might like more attention than eh's paying you -it's VERY hard to get someone to agree to hang out and hook up past about 25 years of age...and he's got no obligation, no string sex....and now you're "talking" to someone else.
He knows how he got his dealing going with you "talking"......and he knows that since you started doing it - there's been very little talking about anything at all. He just knows that you're find with a casual hook up and that nobody has any obligation here to anybody else.
So he finds out from yoru "friend" that you're "talking 't an old crush......mmm, he wonders if you're sleeping with hi, or wanting to sleep with him - he knows he'd like as much no obligation free action as he can get - he figures the other guy is too..a.nd he knows that you either a) can't tell the difference between dating and hanging out/hooking up" or else you're like a young, immature guy - and you don' care which it is - as long as you're getting laid.
No matter howmuch you tell him "I'm not sleeping with him or interested in him" - this guy isn't going to be believe you because you don't have to be "dated" in order to put out. You're diong it with him - and keeping it a secret. HE figures if you're capable of keeping this secret about you and him....you're also capable of keeping a secret FROM hiim as well...just like he's well aware he's very capable of keeping secrets from you.
So he got into a mood........and i assure you everybody knows that you two are hanging out and hooking up...but because you were in public and you're not officially a couple - you couldn't slobber and drool all over him trying to convince him that he's the only man for you.
So you end up back at your apartment...in your mind because you two have shared the same bed - he has a "side" on the bed, and naturally he's going to sleep there. According to him "just becuase we've gotten it on doesnt mean that I am obligated to you"....and he knows that everybody knows you two are sleeping together, and because he figures that you've been doing some other guy behind his back and everybody knows and is laughing at him..........he's going to humiliate you in front of your friends and "sleep' with your friend on the futon - instead of in his "usual" spot that everybody knows is his.
The only thing that went wrong here is that you failed to realize this isn't dating, it's not a relationship ,he's not in this type of set up because he cares about you or your needs. He was in this type of set upb ecause it provided him the ultimate in benefits and options all at once. He has the benefits of you and sex with you - without obligation. That meant had some hottie turned up at the party on NY eve instead of what went down - he'd have been free to take her home or out for coffee or drinks at his place, instead of going home with you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hey -yea I'm sorry if the story wasn't all that understandable but I thank both of you for your advice and quick response to my many questions. Funny thing is that when you are looking at a situation from an outside view it seems perfectly clear. However when you find yourself with the questions about guys all of a sudden you become clueless. It was very clear I just wanted to make a relationship where there obviously wasn't one.
However now I can work on a clear head mull this over and make the solution that is the right one. To answer any other questions I'm 22, the "moody guy" and I have been friends since senior year of highschool where I admit I liked him back then so thats probably why I wanted this to work out now. He on the other hand I knew liked me back then but things have changed and it turned to us crossing that friendship line for two very different reasons. I wanted a relationship and I don't know what he wanted but its kinda obvious it was a no strings thing. We have hung out and dated for all the years since highschool and only recently (two months ago) has it got to the point of sex. And he was my first and only. But thats all besides the point.
Anyway thanks again! This was helpful. I don't think I am going to pursue the other guy though- I think he is just rebounding or wants to make the frienship we had into something that is not serious and it looks like the same sitution I was just asking advice about.