What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
What would you do?
7
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 11:40pm

I have been dating this guy for 4 months and he is constantly telling me he loves me and that I'm his soul mate. He is recently divorced and says he has no regrets about that and he smokes. I'm so in love with him and therefore I can't imagine my life without him. I told him two weeks ago that I would pray for him that he stop smoking. I said this out of concern for his health and now he isn't talking to me at all when he used to text message me at least once a day.

I know I need to give him his space. However this hurts because when I asked him what he would do if I did something to upset him he said " I guess I would talk to you about it". Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 10:35am
Do you know where he stands with religion? Nobody likes religion pushed on them.
When you said you would pray for him to stop smoking it sounds like you did.
He may not want to live that life. Even for people who are religious, praying to stop smoking sounds extreme.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 3:04am

Telling someone that you pray they stop smoking is a seriously creepy thing to say. It's judgement of his own choice AND pushing your religion all rolled into one.

If you want him to stop smoking all you can (and should) do is mention that you're not comfortable with it...and leave the choice to him.

For the record, I'm an athiest. If a boyfriend told me that he was praying that I should stop doing something, it would be an absolute deal breaker. I hope for your sake that your boyfriend is devoutly religious....because if he's not, he's likely to have been quite offended.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 5:32am
sometimes people can be sensative about some of their habits. in your boyfriends case, its smoking. i said the same thing to my brother and he reacted the same way. i let him know i loved him and i was concerned about him. i told him i can accept the fact he smoked i just didnt want to live with the consequences he would pay for smoking later in his life. the only thing you can do if you truly love him is accept him as a smoker. just keep praying for him. god will listen! he always does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 8:05am

kari and ALL...

Pianoguy puffed on a pipe for close to 20 years...and it relaxed him in more ways than you could possibly imagine! However...when the choice came between "singing" and "smoking"---his profession took precedence over his personal pleasure!

Your problem? You're not his MOM!

Nor can you ask GOD to help him abandon a habit that has been with your b/f for a good portion of his life! Asking a smoker to stop is the same as asking an ice-cream addict to suddenly stop treating him (or her)self to dessert because too much sugar will turn 'em into diabetics!

The desire to GIVE UP ANYTHING has to be INSIDE THE PERSON WHO HAS THE HABIT!

Your challenge is to decide if you can accept your boyfriend's reluctance to take your advice...and STILL LOVE THE MAN?

The question is: "CAN YOU?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:11am
PG has again. Is his smoking something you can live with? Because he will only stop when he is ready and you mentioning it is a big turn off. That is a ppersonal thing and he reacted as such. You crossed the line though it doesn't seem like it but it is like him telling you to stop something you enjoy how would you feel? Give him time to see if he comes back around.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:19am

I disagree with everyone else. I don't think you were extreme or overreacted at all. Obviously religion is an important part of your life and by you telling him that you were going to pray for him to stop smoking was a sign of the love you feel for him. I say give him his space and if he doesn't come around do you really want to be with a guy who gets so offended by the fact that you are praying for him to stop smoking??? I personally wouldn't want to be with someone that finds prayer offensive.

p.s.

The only way you would have overreacted would have been if you would of given him an ultimatum to stop smoking or you would leave.

BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:16am

bella isabella...

Pianoguy thinks you might have misinterpreted his remarks (to Kari)?

Personal prayers AREN'T a bad thing! Especially when it comes to the abandoment of a bad habit. . But expecting prayer to change (or alter) a person's "addiction to anything" isn't always going to be successful.

I don't think anybody was suggesting that Kari should abandon the thought of praying in order to get her b/f to STOP SMOKING? But unless God (who is merciful enough to let us make and atone for our own mistakes) decided to intervene and "bless the b/f with enough congestion to scare him away from cigarettes"----it's really up to the B/F to see what he's doing to his body...and make the choice TO QUIT himself?

Pianoguy