What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
What would you do?
3
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 6:56pm

I don’t even know how to start this.. I’m new to iVillage and I hope you can help..
I’m in this weird situation that I don’t know how to get out from.
I have a boyfriend since almost five months back. Our relationship has really been up and down from the beginning. One week everything is great, the next I can’t stand him and we annoy each other. But then it’s great again, and I see no reason for not beeing with him. But then again he can say really stupid things that makes me wonder why I spend time with him at all.

It’s so easy to forget the bad when it’s good... sometimes we don’t have anything to talk about. And sometimes we do. It changes from time to time and it’s really hard.
But he has never hit me or anything like that or called me names or so, when he says stupid things it’s more like he complains about things in my apartment for example or make fun of other people or critizices things.

Many times with him I’ve been on the verge of crying but just as many times and more I have been laughing. Sometimes I wake up beside him and realize I’m not in love with him and sometimes it’s different.

The whole time we’ve been together there has been another guy involved. I knew him from before I met my bf. He’s in my life and during this time he’s had a gf he broke up with and now they got back together again. We have been interested in each other for a long time but we have never been single at the same time. When he told me that he and his gf were getting back together I became so shocked and actually started crying. I couldn’t stop myself. Then I was so down for many days and couldn’t think of anything but him, I planned on breaking up with my boyfriend just to get the smallest chance to be with this other guy.
But then this guy realized he probably shouldn’t be with his gf and suddenly my down-feelings were gone. Do I only want him when I can’t have him?
I do care a lot for this guy, we have so much in common, we have always things to talk about and have fun togehter. I have felt more of a psychological connection with him but have wondered where the physical connection is. Of course I can’t try and see if there is any. But I have imagined a future with him..

But to my point. These two guys affect how I act around them. If it was always good with my bf and I was truly truly in love I wouldn’t let this other guy affect me, but maybe he also affect me so that I can never see if it could be really good with my bf.

And when it’s bad with my bf I think of the other guy and my bf of course affects me so that I can’t find out if there really could be anything with this other guy.

I have got so used to my bf, I know he’s there even though it’s not always so much fun to be with him. But sometimes it is. My friends think I should break up with him because they have mostly heard about the bad parts. There ARE a lot of things that annoys me about him, and we definitely haven’t had those first months of wanting, you know when you want to be with that person 24/7. I have felt that I can’t spend a whole life with a kind of loneliness in the relationship.

I know this sounds selfish but I never wanted this. I’m not afraid of being alone. What I’m afraid of is giving up a great guy – make the wrong decision – and be miserable.
It’s easiest giving up the guy who’s not my bf, just because he isn’t my bf. But at the same time I’m afraid I’m missing out on a wonderful guy then.
At the same time, if I give up my bf because of the other guy and it doesn’t work out, then I will regret that and forever think about if he maybe was the one for me. Even though our relationship goes up and down.

Please give me some advice.... I seriously don’t know what to do.... I can’t keep it going like this. The guy who is not my bf think I should make up my mind whether I’m in love with my bf or not, but how easy is that when it goes up and down from week to week?
Thanks a lot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 7:27pm

Karen,
Ask yourself are you happy most of the time or fighting most of the time. Every couple has fights now and then. I have seen more than one of my female friends go through situations similar to what you are going through. Though in most cases, another guy is not involved. First off, your decision to leave your current relationship should be based on that relationship itself and not based on any outside factors (i.e. some other guy that's hanging around). The age old saying of "the grass is always greener..." can be especially true in relationships. When things are rough in your relationship it's easy to look at some guy who you haven't been in a relationship with and only see the good stuff. Remember that if you did give up your current boyfriend and start dating this other guy that you will have problems at some point. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes people forget that the important thing isn't "if you have problems in your relationship" but how you deal with those problems. From what I've read, it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are having too terrible of arguements. Us guys can be pretty annoying at times and we can nit-pick and criticize with the best of them. And we ALL say some pretty stupid things at times.
I'm sure it's no suprise to you to hear that what you really have to do is look inside your heart for the answer to this. Have you also talked with your boyfriend about the things that are bothering you? Communication is a wonderful thing. I would start with that, start with talking to him about the things that are bothering you. Obviously don't mention the other guy, but start there... sit down and have a nice heart-to-heart and see where it goes from there. I would beware of your single friend because he obviously doesn't have as much to lose if you ditch your current boyfriend.

Good luck,
Wes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 1:01pm

karen 987...

Pianoguy thinks your issue comes down to CHOICES.....

Right now, you're looking at the good and bad from each gentleman you've been with. If you don't want exclusivity...then I guess you can continue heading in the same direction for an indefinite period of time?

But sooner or later....one of them will dump you....assuming that you don't choose that same option before they do?

What I don't understand is why ANY WOMAN would put up with a man who treats her like CRAP? .

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 3:09pm
Unfortunatly, you're unsatisfied with him but that's mainly because you are still trying to figure out what you want. I think thats where the problem lies. What would it hurt to seperate from your boyfriend of today and just be single for a while? Sometimes that is the best way of meeting new people and dating alot of different guys to figure out what you really want. Ive been single now for 2 years, Im happy. My best friend of 10 years whom we all thought was happy in her marriage with her husband - she's getting a divorce. Dont settle for comfort zones with a man that makes you feel this way because it will only get you introuble. You are not satisfied with your boyfriend so put yourself first and step up to the plate and make yourself happy. Dont rely on a guy to determine that for you. Having a real good relationship with him only half the time is not somebody that is right for you. And whos to say this other guy is right, from my eyes it looks like you are ( maybe not concious of it) but looking for ways out of your relationship with him by finding attractions to other men to justify you not being happy in your relationship. We all do that whether we are concious of it or not. But that is a major sign of unhappiness. So I would move on, be single, and be happy with yourself, figure out what you want and then go for it. Hope I helped!