WHAT WOULD YOU DO????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
WHAT WOULD YOU DO????
8
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 7:05pm

Today I had a horrible day at work. I called my boyfriend and told him that I have to talk to him in person about what happened to me. I asked him to come over tonight for just a half hour or so. He told me that he would try to make it but he is out shopping with his mother. I told him that I REALLY NEED HIM TODAY.

Should I feel upset that when I need him the most he would rather be shopping. He could say to his mother "Hey Navy170 really needs me so I have to go now"!!!! Am I wrong for feeling this way??????????? Or am I overreacting?????

Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:04pm

Was this shopping something already planned? I mean he could have came afterwards but I do not see what the biggest problem unless each time you need him he is not there. But, you had a bad day and wanted to see him to tell him what happened. I wasn't there and a bit hard for me to gage but I wouldn't take it as much a big deal. Heck I have had my bf fall asleep when I really needed him. I let it roll off as him being tired. Not like he could do much about it but I needed him, well I just called another friend and talked to them about it.

Marie

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:26pm

Well, it kind of depends on "what happened to you". I mean if what happened to you was that you caught some catty coworker bad mouthing you to a peer, well that you should just grip to a girlfriend about instead of being hurt that your bf wasn't available.

If on the other hand you just found out that you are going to be downsized in two weeks and wanted his help getting yourresume together... Well, that's a little different.

You see men don't understand the value in listening to us. They want to do something to make it better and if they can't they don't much see the value in comiserating with us. the way they see it is, "I can't help you with that. Go tell someone who can." Because well, that's what THEY would do.

SO, if you're just calling to complain, call a girlfriend. If you're calling and want to see him so he can help call him.

By the way, I've been with my husband for almost two years now. I still call a girlfriend or my Mom if all I want to do is complain and comiserate. They are sooooooo much better at that then he is. When I whine to him all it does is frustrate both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:20pm
Sorry to hear about your day. I would be upset to but unless you told your b/f the real issue of what caused you to be upset he may think its no big deal and that he can address it whenever he gets a chance. If its a serious issue, tell him about it over the phone and then I'm sure he will come be by your side. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:56pm

<< I asked him to come over tonight for just a half hour or so. >>

Asking is good. Expecting isn't.

<>

He replied, with a "less than" answer. Either way, he could have said "I can't tonight, I'm with my mom" or ... "I'll come over when we're finished." You could have reason to be upset with his "less than an expectation" answer.

We can't always expect an SO to drop whatever they're doing because we NEED them. A good compromise is to allow them to finish what they're up to, and come to you when they're available.

<>

He's an adult. Resist telling him what to do.

<< Should I feel upset that when I need him the most he would rather be shopping.>>

You're entitled to feel however you want to feel about it. But, I wouldn't let that feeling linger. Let him know how you feel, but also, know that we are responsible for our feelings and working thru them.

If he wasn't willing to drop everything and come to you, could it be because, in the past, you've "needed him" for things that he hasn't viewed as IMPORTANT or as earth-shattering as you've made it out to be? (ie, "boy who cried wolf" type of thing). I have a friend like this, and while I do try to be supportive, it gets exhausting when someone just wants to vent and complain.

If you need to vent, ask for someone's permission before you unload ... ie, "I need to vent, will you listen for 5 minutes?" And let it out. But, do not assume that that person is available or willing to hear you out. It's important to ask, not tell.

Pick and choose your "needs" wisely. Regarding your horrible day at work, ask yourself "will this still affect me tomorrow?", "will this still affect me next week?", "next month?"... in other words, weigh the severity of the problem and what you need to talk about. If everything is a "category 5" issue, it tends to weigh those around us down, kwim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:39am

Thank you everyone for your comments.

To explain more.... He and I work together (which is harder because if something happens at work then its easier for me to tell him, then for him to hear something at work by someone else.) And no I couldn't tell him what happened over the phone because it was something serious that had happened and I needed to tell him in person.

Actually what happened is one of the guys we both work with was fired yesterday due to him sexually harrassing me at work. I told my BF on the phone some of what had happened but I didn't want to go into details until I saw him in person.

Anyways, the night worked out for me because he did come over and I was able to tell him everything in person. It was just one of those moments in life that I need him and I got upset when he said he was shopping. Any other time that wouldn't of bothered me.

Thank you for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:30pm
Dear Navy170, I'm not sure how I would react only b/c you didn't give enough info..Look at your past with him, does he acknowlegde when you need him there in the flesh for support or has he consistently given you excuses. Was he there to follow up with you about your day or not? If you made it clear you needed him to talk to and he didn't respond in an appropriate time frame then I would discuss it the next time but don't flood it with a needy emotional feeling, state your facts and state how you felt judge the situation and see what happens the next time you really need him there for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 6:17pm

I dont think you are wrong in thinking that he could go shopping with his mom later in the day or another day. How old is he? A real mama's boy I take it....as a mother I want my son to be somewhat of a mama's boy but when he gets older I would expect him to go to the other women in his life rather than shopping with me.

Brandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:32am

"I dont think you are wrong in thinking that he could go shopping with his mom later in the day or another day. How old is he? A real mama's boy I take it....as a mother I want my son to be somewhat of a mama's boy but when he gets older I would expect him to go to the other women in his life rather than shopping with me.

Brandy"

Your post made me smile....Thank you!!!!!

He is a Mamas boy but there is a time that he must make a choice on who needs him more. Oh, he is 36 years old.