What Would You Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
What Would You Do?
4
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:05am

Greetings board... Please forgive the cross posting, but I found multiple boards where I thought this message may apply.

I'm very much in need of advice and really don't know where else to turn... Here's some quick background... I was married for seven years, the wife had an affair and I divorced her. We share custody of our two children.

So now to my question... I've met a woman with whom I've fallen completely and totally in love. We both talk often about the way we feel and how neither of us has ever known love like this... But my apprehension is this... I never cheated on my wife while married and it's just something I know I would never do. My new girlfriend, however, had multiple affairs while married. She wasn't happy in her marriage and has a lot of scars from a less than pleasant childhood.

So now I'm torn as to what to do... I have never in my life met someone that I feel more compatible with... but I have this lingering fear that I'm setting myself up to be hurt. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would end up with someone who has done the same thing to someone else as my ex-wife did to me. And I think I can safely say that the devastation of divorce, especially with young children involved, is probably the toughest time I ever went through in my life.

My g/f lives with a lot of guilt and she didn't sit down and tell me "everything" until we had been seeing each other for about a month. At that point she said she needed me to know "everything" because she didn't want any secrets between us and that she didn't tell me right off the bat because she wanted me to get to see her for who she is and not judge her from her past... I can see the guilt she lives with and she cries about it often. I told her about my apprehension about getting involved with her and told her that I think she needs to see a counselor in order to better deal with this feelings of guilt. She agreed and has been going for several weeks now.

I guess what I want to know and what I'm asking everyone is... should I give someone a chance even though they've made mistakes? I know people aren't perfect and we've all done things we regret, but when it comes to infidelity, statistically does there tend to be a reoccurring pattern?

She says she's never met someone like me who wanted to get to know her and help her deal with her past... She says most guys have always been just looking for sex... I do care about her deeply and could see a future with her... she has a daughter the same age as one of my daughters and they are close friends.

I guess after being betrayed in marriage, I just don't want to set myself, or my kids, up to being hurt again, especially with someone with a known pattern of infidelity. I think I'd rather be alone and not get hurt than to love again if I thought there was a good probability of it ending in another painful divorce.

Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:42am
If she is seeking help I may consider the relationship. But, I will say I was cheated on and do not date people who have cheated. I know people change and if she knows why she cheated and what she could have done differently there may be cause that she has changed. I think a little couples therapy would also be good. Because this infidelity will be someone in the back of your mind and it will help and also should teach you both how to recognize signs of something lacking and what can be done. Wish I could offer more but I am really to biased to go on.
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Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 1:49pm

I totally agree with Marie.

Both my bf and I have been single people who have been with people in other relatinships. He cheated on a couple of girls in high school, but realized it was wrong and has'n't done that since.

What it really comes down to is "Can you trust her?" It really isn't a question of whether a bunch of strangers would give her a chance or not it's whether or not your willing to.

For those I'm starting to sound like a broken record to, I apologize, but....

Trust is a gift you give to someone, the criteria you use to give the trust is VERY individual, but it can't be earned it is something you have to choose to give. Love is a leap of faith and you can't have faith if you don't have trust.

If you CHOOSE to trust her and take that leap you me very well be hurt only you can calculate the risk involved and determine if she's worth taking the risk for or not.

I do agree with Marie, if she understands WHY she did what she did and HOW to avoid finding herself in another bad relationship theres a better chance she wont cheat. If she has LEARNED from that experience and that guilt or if she would do the same thing again, hide and avoid confrontation and openly commuicating her problems with the realtionship and cheat or if she would actually be open and honest with her feelings and try to work on the relationship rather then undermine it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:01pm

OK, here's a confession. I cheated on my ex-husband. Why? My marriage was devoid of emotion. He was about as much fun to live with as a tasmanian devil. I could tell you things that would great substantiate my story, but I'll just say I was lonely and would have accepted attention from the devil himself if he'd offered any. I was also confused. I really did want my husband out of my life but I was a stay at home mom with no income and I didn't know if I could get out of marriage. I was faithful for 17 years to my husband, but the affair gave me the push to finally get out of what had been a long and miserable relationship.

Was I right in what I did? Absolutely not and I wouldn't recommend an affair to anyone. I'm not normally a dishonest person and that's what I became during the affair. But the affair ended shortly after my divorce (I can't even stand the thought of the guy now) and while I'm not guilty about it as far as my EH is concerned, I do still have some guilt because the divorce affected my son and the affair was part of the divorce. Is past behavior a sign of future behavior? Not necessarily. I am in a committed relationship now and I wouldn't even consider having an affair. This man treats me well and I love him and I wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt him. Had my ex-husband treated me half as good there would have been no affair.

Affairs are complicated and you can't lump them all into the category of "evil" behavior. I think your GF was very brave in being honest with you. For that she deserves your trust. Ask her why she had those affairs. Find out what was missing in her life that caused her to seek something outside her marriage. If you think you can fulfill the things she needs to be content, then you should have no reason to worry. But only you can decide if you can overlook past descretions and make a life with her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:26pm

My two cents, for whatever it's truly worth :)

I'd want to know WHY she cheated. Guilt is okay, but if she didn't learn from anything, then guilt means nothing. She'll do it again. If she cheated for XYZ reasons, what if that SAME thing happens in your marriage, will she cheat, or will she GO TO YOU before she gets to the point of cheating?

I have been on both sides of the fence. I have cheated when I was young. Why? Cuz I could. I was bored. I wanted sex. I did it over and over again to many men. Did I care? Nope. not one bit. As I matured, I stopped the cheating. I was married, didn't have sex with my xh for the last 6 months of our marriage. I wanted to cheat, for sex only, but didn't, cuz I respected my vows enough not to. However, HE cheated. I ended the marriage.

Since I have grown, I realized, instead of running from the problems in a r'ship, you can choose to address them and try to fix them, or leave the guy. If there are issues in your r'ship, can SHE address them. Do you have faith she can address them BEFORE seeking outside "resources"? Does SHE have faith she can do that with you, when she couldn't with her xh? Because you and him are diff people, that alone could keep her from cheating. Maybe you're more open and available to her, whereas he never was. However, if one day you turn into that closed off man, could she tell you and talk to you, or would she just cheat?

To me, THOSE are the things I'd address with her, and talk to her about. And I also suggest you go to her therapy sessions too, or seek out therapy WITH that therapist to understand what you can do, to help understand her.

Basically it comes down to WHY she cheated. And is it something that can be avoided?

i.e. I cheated purely for the fun of sex. Say I still do that. Can that be avoided? Nope. Because no matter WHOM I'm with, I'd get bored and cheat. However, say I cheated because my guy was emotionally closed off. That can be avoided with another man, if he's not closed off, and if he becomes closed off, as long as we can still communicate about THAT (being closed off), we can move forth, w/o any cheating.

Personally, I couldn't be with a person if they cheated in a marriage. Because that goes against MY OWN values. I didn't do it even though I wasn't getting any sex, the guy was acting like a 20-year-old college guy, and I was stressed up the yazoo. And I would expect no man I marry to be the same. No matter how bad it got, cheating was NOT an option. Why? Cuz I want to marry someone with the SAME values as mine. But again, tha'ts me, you have to make the choice for yourself.

~pineapple_girl