What is wrong with me?
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| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 5:47pm |
Well, to give you some context, I am 20 years old..so pretty young still and unexperienced. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years about a year ago. He caused me a great deal of pain, but he was my first long term bf so it's hard to forget him (we haven't talked at all since we broke up). Let's call my ex John. A few months later, I met a guy (let's call him...steve) that was everything John wasn't. I was still mourning the breakup, and then steve came along and swept me off my feet. He was caring, committed,hot, fun...everything I wanted in a man. I have been with steve for about 9 months now and I'm not sure what to do. Steve is still everything I mentioned above, but it seems not to matter now.
Steve is almost TOO nice. He appears to be kind of a pushover/doormat sometimes and will never stand up to me. I feel myself taking advantage of his generosity and I hate that. I know I'm doing it and I hate myself for that because I know how lucky I am to have him. I realized I am treating steve how john treated me. People are jealous of our relationship because it appears to be so damn perfect. Whenever he tells me he loves me, I know he means it because he tells me how much he cares about me, but when I say it make I feel like it's forced. I do care about him greatly, but I don't know if I love him. This is steve's first real long term relationship, so he is new to this and I think he's worried about losing me. My definition of love as changed too. I thought I loved John and maybe I did, or maybe it was because I was so desperate to receive affection from him (that I wasn't getting) that I became obsessed over him and our relationship. So I don't know what love really is now. I might love steve, I might not. Who knows. Lately I've been having dreams (pretty sexual ones at that) of John. That drives me insane. I am OVER him. Why is he showing up in my dreams now? Sometimes when steve tries to kiss me, I pull away. I feel like he smothers me. I felt john wasn't giving me enough. What IS wrong with me? I don't like jerks and I don't like nice guys. What do I want? What do I do? Hopefully someone can offer some advice. Thanks. Being in a emotional relationship really shadows my judgement, so sorry if I sound like a babbling idiot right now...maybe I just need someone to really open my eyes and tell it like it is.
Edited 4/2/2006 6:05 pm ET by canadiangrrl03

I think there isn't anything wrong with you. You are 20, and you're doing what nearly all 20 year olds do--discovering and learning about what traits you do and do not want in person you intend to have any sort of future with. So, just because you've realized that John had oh-so-very-many traits that you DON'T want, he also had a hint of one you do. You want a nice guy, not a doormat. These guys do exist. Steve sounds like he is working with some of his own self esteem issues thru you, and there is a reason he takes the crap you deal out. Just like two wrongs don't make a right, to unhealthy people won't make a healthy couple. No matter how perfect you two seem, it's all a fascade.
My best advice is to stop and step back a minute--or year. Casual dating would be okay, but no serious boyfriends. You've got to decipher what it is you want before you go trying to get it. Also, you've got to decipher what it is that you yourself bring to the relationship. A wounded psyche and fantasies of DearJohn don't add anything possitive to your new relationships.
Remember, you are only 20. Biologically speaking your brain isn't even fully finished yet. Just one tiny year ago you were still a teenager. Take some time (I wasn't kidding about a year, that is a good amount) to see who you are as an adult. Take some time to be you, alone you defined as something--anything that doesn't have 's girlfriend at the end of it.