Whats a Committed Relationship?
Find a Conversation
Whats a Committed Relationship?
| Fri, 02-17-2006 - 8:01am |
Im curious here, maybe because Im 45 years old and new to the dating world, after marriage. I have noticed that things are so very different than they were when I was dating !! LOL
I read so much here about committment, I even write about it myself!! LOL
So Im curious to know, Whats your definition of a Committed Relationship?? Id love to hear alot of responses, male and female.

I'm a 26 yr old female. Being in a few relationships in the past few years, plus dating, I've noticed some things. With a commited RL, I guess it really depends on how old you are and where you are in your life. Everyone is different, but I guess for me its a matter of being on an "equal" level in life, having the same goals in life, and being personally committed to making the RL work. Seeing each other a lot, being each others best friend, plus having a life with your friends and family, but including your BF/GF in the portion equally; those are some of the things that define it to me.
Another thing to me that really helps it, is if those 2 people have a common goal for the future, whether it be after a certain period of time into it. Plus it's also a matter of both people being happy in a committed or even a LTR, if they arent happy and they arent on that "same level", it makes it difficult to stay together.
I guess that when your 18, 30, or even 45, there's a different definition to each person. Your at certain stages in your life where you are still trying to find yourself to at 30 or 45 when your looking to settle down, or mature enough to know exactly what you want.
I just got out of a LTR, and it's hard to remember being single and what you did when you were single. I feel for ya flicksgirl...but hey at least you are making a fresh start. I'm finding it's taking me sometime to get back to normal.
committed to what?
Some people are just committed to "exclusivity" - they won't date or sleep with someone else...as a rule they've got too much going on to do that anyway - but they "commit" to exclusivity. They're committed to enjoy what is, as it is - as long as it's enjoyable and suits their agenda.
If someone is seeking equality based, mutually beneficial, honeslty communicative partnership in life - they're looking to make compromises and prioritize someone else's needs wants, and goals equally with thier own....they're committed first to themselves...nd they can commit in that same manner "to you" if you share enough in life and lifestyle fundamentals and involvements os that they don't eliminate "who they are" to be with you.
Partnership as an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative dynamic is NOT well understood in our society, nor is it considered desirable by most people as a result.
Most people are committed to what feels good, works, and is beneficial 'right now"......if you're wanting someone ot commit to your well-being and best interests equally with yours, it'd take years of involvement to know if that was possible or not for someone to do.
Never think of "committment' as a guarantee.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
My dad was a pastor all his life...and he did lots of premarital counseling, post-marital counseling, and plenty of marriage ceremony. I grew up being the flowergirl who wanted only to be a bride!
And his knowledge and advise which I always disregarded to my destruction, and now take and apply pervasively in all situations because it's 210% accurate is this:
aisle/altar/hymn is not "I'll alter him". He said so many bride to be's came to the counseling talking about how different the lifestyle would be "when they got married' - he always advised those couples to wait...and he often wouldn't perform the ceremony.
he said lots of groom to be's came in "adverse" to a formal ceremony but NOT to a JP rendition of vows....it was the bride wanting an event that had them in his office...and here's what that was areuslt of.
Look at the marital vows as they're recited in a formal, religious setting "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part"..."to love, honor and cherish (or obey) all the days of my life".
Read the above again. My dad pointed out that in the phraseology what could not be any longer dismissed, ignored, disregarded, or overlooked was the "commitment to this person's well being and best interests"........he often said if people were going to revise the marriage ceremony to more updated language, that is precisely what you'd say "I commit to your well being and best interests to the extent I am committed to my own". (which, that phraseology might have women thinking twice about marriage to someone who lacks financial security, or professional status, or someone who's conducted their live less than resposibly and intelligently - which would be a GOOD thing)
My dad said most grooms that wanted no part of a formal ceremony but were willing to marry thru a JP ceremony - that was what they were wanting to avoid the reality of, the acknowledgement of...that this wasn't just a relationship of one-sided benefit and "my" best interests. It wasn't just a relationship where what I give to you and of myself to you is more than what "benefits me to do and give"....
Taht's why the grooms would object to a formal event. and just so that both parties could be aware of that.........he'd ask if the man objected to formal events in general. (some people do - they're extremely uncomfortable at any event that involves social protocol, pomp or formality) If the man said he has no problem attending professional functions, graduations, that he actually enjoyed those types of celebrations.......my dad would ask why then would he not enjoy the celebration of his commitment to the woman that he loves? (and my dad would acknowledge that sometimes bride to be's become detail oriented in the extreme and drive people over the edge with questions and plans and interruptions to the daily schedule). if the man said "I don't mind a small JP ceremony, and we can have a big party reception"....the picture was very clear.
the man wasn't in this for the mutual well-being and best interests equally - and it's just hard to get up in church no matter how non-religious your background and "tell a lie"......that makes most people EXTREMELY uncomfortable, even athiests.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I guess you can plug 'commitment' into a variety of scenarios:
-When I was committed to my husband, I abided by my vows
(until the marriage drove me to another type of commitment altogether)
-When I was committed to my boyfriend, we agreed to be exclusive to one another (with special regard to intimacy)
-I have every intention of upholding a *lifelong* commitment to my fiance, because I feel he's the one
At the end of the day, commitment is defined by you and your partner, and you have to allow yourself to make mistakes along the way.
Best,
RedRiderRR
hi flicksgirl...and everybody!
Pianoguy thinks there are different types of commitment.
Most couples who are considering marriage usually have a "mutual commitment" to begin with. This means that their lives as a couple (goals, ideals, desires, etc.) revolve around each other and are pretty much IN SYNC!
Unfortunately....over a certain period of time which can be a short as a few months to as long as several years....that 'mutual commitment' disappears into:
1. I didn't expect him (or her) to behave this way.
2. He (or she) let me down by breaking a promise....or by seeing someone else.
3. I'm no longer in love with him (or her) and I want OUT!
I'm sure I could come up with another 4 or 5 excuses, but perhaps you can see the common thread? If you notice the 3 examples, the 'universal excuse' is: "I'M NO LONGER HAPPY WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT!" So whether 2 people are willing to invest time to solve their problems and work out some sort of a compromise, or just wish to 'hang up their spurs and get divorced'...really depends upon how sincere they are about 'mutual commitment to each other?'
When one person places his or her needs ahead of a partner....do you HONESTLY BELIEVE there's hope for a relationship (or marriage) to work?
Pianoguy
Hey Piano Guy!!
Thank you so much!! You just helped me solve a problem and confirmed something for me in my mind.
"When one person places his or her needs ahead of a partner....do you HONESTLY BELIEVE there's hope for a relationship (or marriage) to work?"
As good as things have been going with my guy, in terms of him opening up more and me relaxing more, something continuously makes me feel uncertain and unhappy and this is exactly how I have been feeling. He never made me any promises, but Ive had quite a few friends point out to me that my "relationship" with him, seems to be all about his needs and not about him compromising to meet mine.
Thank you for this insight, its helped me more than you know.