What's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
What's going on?
24
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:23pm

Hello,

There are some great posts here and some great advice. Here's my story, every so often I think about my first love and wonder how he is and what he's doing and if he's with someone, if he has a family? It's been probably over 15 years since we were together and a year after college I got a call from him out of the blue. I had transferred colleges after freshman year and begged for him to follow me, which he didn't and our relationship ended. So, I was stunned to receive a call from him after college. So, during our conversation he was drinking vodka by candlelight and thinking of me so he figured he would call me. He overall seemed somewhat depressed and didn't know where his life would lead at that time. He also told me that his girlfriend was about to move in with him. So, I was just really like so why are you calling me?!?!?! I wrote a little letter to him and just questioned why he would contact me to tell me about his girlfriend moving in with him. He was myy first love and it took so much time before I could go out with some else after we broke up and for him to tell me about his girlfriend just hurt.

Anyway, years have passed, but every so often I think about him. Now, please don't get the wrong idea here I'm married to a wonderful guy and it's not that I want to get back together with my first love. I just think about him every so often and wonder what he's doing.

My husband and I relocated recently and I had to go through some old boxes at my parents house and came across a box of old notes from my first love and I re-read each and every one. And it's amazing how hurt he always seemed in each letter he wrote, but there was such chemistry between us.

So, sorry for the rambling, but I just want to know why I wonder what he is doing and where he is and if he is happy. I just want to know, but I don't necessarily want to get in touch with him. HELP!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:45pm

I do the same thing as you... think of my first love once in a while. Only I know he is on the other side of the world. I asked him via chat IM a few months ago if "first love never dies" is true. He replied, "I really don't know". It hurt a bit but I understand b/c he is afterall happily married. His wife is very jealous of our past relationship that she forbids him to keep in contact with me. He indulges her insecurity and ignores me in the process.

I, on the other hand, am unhappily married. Probably the reason for me keeping old love letters. It has been 15 years and I still long for the memory of what could have been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 2:18pm

Thanks cerebral one. I wonder if I should contact him or not?! I did a search on him and found out that he is indeed a doctor like he told me he would be. He said he didn't know what else to do so he guessed he would just go into the medical field. I also found out where he is located and could easily find out the phone number and call. But, I'm nervous that he won't want to talk to me or even remember me. I wonder if he'll question why I'm even calling him. But I really wonder what life would like had we stayed together. The other thing is that I'm too scared to find out if he's married because although I'm happily married I would be hurt to find out if he was and I don't want to hurt him telling him I'm married. Am I crazy? I almost just want to pay for one of those online searches on someone and find out if he's married and where he lives.

I really worked on myself with the help of my husband and I think that my first love still has alot of stuff to work on. But I'm so torn, because I just love/loved him so much...he was my first love!

Had we stayed together I would have missed out on so much of what I experienced without him. Does that make sense? If I were with him, would I be writing a post wishing I had chosen another path?

For instance during that phone conversation I had told my first love about something I wanted to pursue and he totally made fun of it and I felt sad he wouldn't support me even though we were no longer together. With my husband he supports my efforts in things and that is so important to me and something I'm not willing to give up.

I just wonder if he still thinks about me or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 2:55pm

We're really in the same boat, aren't we? Well, don't waste time in wondering. With the internet, sooner or later, you and him will cross paths. Contact him via e-mail or impersonal fax first if you can.

Last year, I stumbled upon my first boyfriend online and I found out I broke his heart. I was then able to apologize to him. I realized after almost 20 years what I learned from my first relationship. To this day he still loves me and we remain cyberfriends.

Good luck with your search and I'm excited of what you will discover and learn in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 3:49pm

Ok, call me nuts! But I found the school that he went to med school and emailed the alumni contact to see if they could give me his email address. I doubt it will work, but we'll see. It's worth a shot ya know. I don't know what I'll get out of it.

Thanks for the advice and I'm going to keep reading some posts. It puts my mind at ease knowing that I'm not alone. Thanks for the advice. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 5:00pm

I still think about exs too. I have two great exs I think and wonder about and one ex that was a jerk.

I think it's perfectly normal to be curious about exs, but I will disagree with one thing cerebreal said. I don't think it's healthy to contact them.

I accidentally have bumped into my high school sweetheart twice here in Atlanta. I mean how nuts is that... A city of millions of people and I somehow end up living blocks away from my high school sweetheart. The first time I was new to town and I gave him my number. He never called. It kind of hurt a little but I'm kind fo glad now he didn't. The second time we just pretended not to see each other.

I also contacted hte other guy I really loved once to find out if he was okay I knew he'd bene deployed to Iraq when the war first started and I wanted to know he was okay. We chatted for about a half hour. I found out that my suspicions were correct it wasn't that he wasn't ready to get married it was that he wasn't ready to marry ME. That stung quite a bit.

It kind of even led to me dating the jerk. It just added to a case of low self-esteem adn the low self-esteem lead to the jerk.

Looking back I realize that there is nothing to gain from dragging the past into the present. Like you when my now husband and I combined households I ran across old things from my past. Like you I read them and found the memories they brought with them bittersweet. I tucked them back away and put them under the bed and I thought about what to do with those memories for a couple of days.

After about two days I took the box and threw it away. I kept my prom pictures from my highschool sweetheart and I kept my brothers wedding pictures with my other love in them and I disgarded every image containing "the anti-christ".

My grandmother was about 16 when WWII started, she lived in Belgium. She lost her father and her home to the war. She managed to save two family albums. She me some very important things. Two of which are these: 1) we carry our memories in our hearts not in a box and 2) if we have learned from our past, we carry the lessons of our past with us no matter where we go, we need not bring the past into the present to retain the lesson. Leave the past where it belongs, the past.

Looking back and wondering how a past love is doing is fine and good, but never look back and wonder what if. It's a mute point: it wasn't. Live now, love now, don't murky the waters of a beautiful what IS with what was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 5:19pm

Thank you very much nick91171! That was a very touching and emotional response. As I was writing and even when I was trying to locate my first love. I knew that I drastically changed for the better since then and things wouldn't be what they used to be. I have many wonderful things going on in my life which includes my husband and even if I do receive an email address, I probably won't act on it.

I also don't think there is a void in my marriage and I want to get back together with my first love. I'm just curious, but these feelings will die away shortly and pop back up again.

All of your responses really mean alot to me. Thanks!!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 8:21pm

Hello!

It's me again and guess what I spent alot of time searching and searching and I finally found him!! OMG! I found him through classmates, but you need to email him in order to find out what he's doing. %(%*@()%!!

I know I shouldn't write an email, but UGH!!!! I just can't beleive I found him. I found what is going on with his brothers and sister. WOW! Sorry, I am so tempted to write him, but so nervous and not sure if I should re-open that door of just keep it closed.

Girls, I'm really weak right now and need some straightening out. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 12:04am
Oh girl friend, go ahead and e-mail him already. Nothing can stop you now. It's not like you're calling on the phone and he has to reply. He is after all your first love and not just an ex and/or a jerk. Be honest though and inform him that you are contently married. I know what I'm writing about. If he sounded like trouble I would have warned you against it. Good or bad, at least you'll find out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 6:36pm

I know and understand how you are feeling. I know how my first love is doing I still talk to his mom on a regular basis. I got married first and he was crushed( her words not mine) and then he met someone and married them. I have since divorced and he has been having many issues within his marriage. They live together for only 2 months out of the year and they are said to be very miserable months. He lives away from our hometown but his mom recently told me that he is moving back. At the moment I am currently single so she keeps saying that maybe now is our chance to get back what we had. Me, I am not sure how I feel about it...I know I have changed since we were together and I am sure that he has...but you never know.

Your circumstance is a bit different since you are happily married and just wondering how he is doing. I would say talk to your husband about it if he is understanding and then go to reunion.com or classmates and see if you can find him. And be sure to state that you are only contacting him to see how he is doing and you want no relationship that you had in the past to happen now. You are happily married and were curious to see how life was treating him...

If you could please read my question I posted and respond I would appreciate it I really do need some advise and no it is not my ex that I am writing about...

brandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 8:48pm

Hi Brandy,

Thanks for the advice. I wrote to my first love via classmates and I doubt I will get a response and I am in now way interested in getting back together with him as I am currently married. I simply want to know what he has been up to lately. To tell you the truth, after I wrote him I felt relieved. I felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I just wrote a couple of lines and asked how he was doing.

So, we'll see what happens. Thanks for the advice. :-)

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