What's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
What's going on?
24
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:23pm

Hello,

There are some great posts here and some great advice. Here's my story, every so often I think about my first love and wonder how he is and what he's doing and if he's with someone, if he has a family? It's been probably over 15 years since we were together and a year after college I got a call from him out of the blue. I had transferred colleges after freshman year and begged for him to follow me, which he didn't and our relationship ended. So, I was stunned to receive a call from him after college. So, during our conversation he was drinking vodka by candlelight and thinking of me so he figured he would call me. He overall seemed somewhat depressed and didn't know where his life would lead at that time. He also told me that his girlfriend was about to move in with him. So, I was just really like so why are you calling me?!?!?! I wrote a little letter to him and just questioned why he would contact me to tell me about his girlfriend moving in with him. He was myy first love and it took so much time before I could go out with some else after we broke up and for him to tell me about his girlfriend just hurt.

Anyway, years have passed, but every so often I think about him. Now, please don't get the wrong idea here I'm married to a wonderful guy and it's not that I want to get back together with my first love. I just think about him every so often and wonder what he's doing.

My husband and I relocated recently and I had to go through some old boxes at my parents house and came across a box of old notes from my first love and I re-read each and every one. And it's amazing how hurt he always seemed in each letter he wrote, but there was such chemistry between us.

So, sorry for the rambling, but I just want to know why I wonder what he is doing and where he is and if he is happy. I just want to know, but I don't necessarily want to get in touch with him. HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 9:46pm
After writing someone or talking to someone who has been on your mind a weight does feel lifted. It is also good to know how someone you once cared so much for is doing these days....I know once my ex and I split up it was hard for me those first few years of not having him to talk to and to wonder what he was doing..He still creeps into my mind from time to time...like if I hear a song that we used to sing or go to a place that we loved to go...it is still hard...I dont think you ever truely get over your first love. Hope you get a response that will make you feel better and not get you involved in something that is bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 11:45pm

Hi Brandy,

Hope you get a response that will make you feel better and not get you involved in something that is bad.

Get me involved with something is bad is just totally freaking me. I just asked him how he is doing. OMG! I don't want anything bad to come of this. I mean I have had people from my past contact me years after we no longer kept in contact and nothing bad happened because of it. :-o

Several of my girlfriends have been in touch, have met up with their ex's behind their husbands back without them even knowing and email one another all the time.

I'm not going to meet my ex and even if he does email me back it's just to catch up and see how things are going, but I don't see this going past a couple of emails back and forth to one another and then having it fade.

I think if I chose to do something more than email my first love then there would be problem, but I have no motivation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 3:56pm
Its so funny thatI am reading this all. I am 26 and knew my first love when I was 14-17 (HS years) We ended things bad b/c he was 2 years older and back then thats huge!!! lol I found him online and emailed him like 2 weeks ago to say hi. He actually replied and I sware I almost fell off of my chair at work ha ha ha. I simply contacted him b/c he always looked at me like a little girl. I wanted to say how well I am doing and I guess get that wow she turned out good comment come from his mouth. We have been emailing casually and I gave him my number. I would like to hang out with him so he can see how I look now too : )
Funny thing is that we accomplished all we swore we would. I dont think he is my type anymore though. This is all exciting : D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:52pm

Hello,

So I was opening up my email a thousand times already today like I do at work, because I'm bored and BAMMMM!!! I get an email that my email has been opened. I was so...nervous I just started trembling. I wonder if he is going to write back.

Just wanted to let you know that the email has been opened and probably read and we'll see what happens and I have finally stopped trembling. :-o

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:57pm
wow I would be rembling too. I know for me he read the email and responded to the email the next day. I was disappointed initially b/c I thought that he wouldnt respond but I guess he just had to think about it before hand. Don't fret just yet he may be considering what he will say in response to your email. Let us know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:08pm
Thanks. I will. This is also the first time that I have contacted someone from the past, so I'm really, really nervous and don't know what to expect. Thanks for the support. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:12pm
I'm excited for you. Please keep us posted, ayt?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 8:22am

No good can come from this, jmho. The past should stay in the past. All this is going to do is confuse you and get you all emotional and off center for something that might have been but never will be.

If I were you I'd sincerly hope he didn't respond and try to just put it back behind me.

An old wound wont heal if you keep picking the scab open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:48pm

Hi Nick91171,

Thanks for the response. Am I opening up an old wound? Am I picking at an old scab? I don't know, does just writing a hello opening up an old wound? I'm being serious, does it? And no he has not responded yet and probably won't and I'm fine with no response.

I'm just curious to see if he's married, has children, how he is. I have no intention of seeing him and hanging out and trying to rekindle something from the past. Without knowing what he's doing we are 2 totally different people now and I don't think an old romance will get rekindled.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 3:32pm

In my personal opinion based on my experience and the experience of a close friend or two, yes it is picking at an old wound.

Not even neccessarily because it will confuse you or rekindle old feelings, which is a possibility even if only a remote one. Here are the reasons I think it's a mistake.

The only positive outcome that will come from it is satisfying your curiousity and to satisfy your curiousity you put yourself at risk to the things I mentioned above. I could what if you into kingdom come with the possible negative results of renewing contact with him, but there aren't very many good ones.

The other thing is it's difficult to move forward while looking over your shoulder at the past. The past has no place in the present other then to remind you of good times and the lessons learned from the bad times. Pulling the past forward into the present only retards your ability to move on from your past and build a future.

Based on my experience there is true wisdom in that old cliche "Let sleeping dogs lie." And it's because you never know what will happen when you wake them up. There's always a good chance they'll wake up grmupy.

Ask yourself this: What does it matter to you what he's doing? Why do you care? Why do you care enough to actually make the effort to find out? What need is contacting him going to fulfill?

Is satisfying your curiousity and giving into that urge worth the risk it brings?

Does your husband know you've contacted him? If not why are you hiding it from him? Is it because you think it mught hurt him? In which case what is so important about contacting an ex that it's worth risking hurting your spouse?