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| Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:23pm |
Hello,
There are some great posts here and some great advice. Here's my story, every so often I think about my first love and wonder how he is and what he's doing and if he's with someone, if he has a family? It's been probably over 15 years since we were together and a year after college I got a call from him out of the blue. I had transferred colleges after freshman year and begged for him to follow me, which he didn't and our relationship ended. So, I was stunned to receive a call from him after college. So, during our conversation he was drinking vodka by candlelight and thinking of me so he figured he would call me. He overall seemed somewhat depressed and didn't know where his life would lead at that time. He also told me that his girlfriend was about to move in with him. So, I was just really like so why are you calling me?!?!?! I wrote a little letter to him and just questioned why he would contact me to tell me about his girlfriend moving in with him. He was myy first love and it took so much time before I could go out with some else after we broke up and for him to tell me about his girlfriend just hurt.
Anyway, years have passed, but every so often I think about him. Now, please don't get the wrong idea here I'm married to a wonderful guy and it's not that I want to get back together with my first love. I just think about him every so often and wonder what he's doing.
My husband and I relocated recently and I had to go through some old boxes at my parents house and came across a box of old notes from my first love and I re-read each and every one. And it's amazing how hurt he always seemed in each letter he wrote, but there was such chemistry between us.
So, sorry for the rambling, but I just want to know why I wonder what he is doing and where he is and if he is happy. I just want to know, but I don't necessarily want to get in touch with him. HELP!!

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Hi Nick91171,
UGH!! Have I made a huge mistake then? Why does it seem like so many other people can go ahead and do what I did by emailing someone from their past and everything turns out fine. No problems. I mean I have a girlfriend who while she was married incessantly kept in contact with her ex even through the first couple years of her marriage. She found stuff of his and mailed it back to him and her ex went so far as to make his personal info not public because of her. I mean she wanted to contact him and found out personal stuff about him as well.
I mean I'm not doing any of that and I'm not really comparing either and I didn't judge her either. I just sent an email that I will probably never get a response and this guy is probably like she's a jerk for contacting me.
Now, I'm here feeling like I've done something sooooo wrong and I just wrote an email. I'm just sitting here beating myself up over an email that I sent when I probably shouldn't have, but now I have.
I just don't get it. I mean people have been contacting me from my past and I wasn't annoyed and was glad for them.
I mean my husband's ex even contacted him and I'm the jealous type, please believe me. She just checked in after several years to see how he was doing, he told her, he was married and that was about it.
I can't stop beating myself over the head for writing an email...
Don't worry about it....I'm sure nothing terrible will happen.
I've recently gotten in contact with an old boyfriend who I haven't seen for 20 years. He emailed me through a reunion website. It was great to find out what each other has been doing, and we also got together with my family for a bit of a reunion.
No old scabs were picked and no romance was felt. It was just like seeing an old best friend...nothing more, nothing less. And it turned out that the ex had more in common with my husband than with me LOL. It was great to catch up.
Don't do that either. It isn't that big of a deal. The only reason to feel bad about it is if it was something you've hidden from your spouse. Because then you did do something wrong, you put your relationship at risk for something that just plain isn't worth it. But it was just a mistake, it's nothing to beat yourself up over.
If you really feel bad about it and that it was a mistake, not because of what I said, but because you've thought about it and realized it was a poor choice, then simply don't act on it any further. Put it out of you mind. If you start to think about it or dwell on it or beat yourself up about it distract yourself until it goes away.
People make bad judgement calls all the time. It just makes us human. Just like our curiosity makes us human and contemplating what if makes us human and wondering about exs makes us human.
Making mistakes is no big deal it's how we learn. The luckiest peole in the world screw things up all the time because if you aren't screwing stuff up it means you aren't really living life to the fullest it means you're never doing anything new.
So please don't torture yourself. Don't obsess about what you did and don't obsess about what's going on with an ex. Just distract yourself think of something else, do something else until the obsessive thought passes. I think we all pretty much have obsessive thoughts from time to time. Things we have trouble getting out of our heads in spite of the fact we want to. It helps to learn to distract yourself so you are less tempted to act on them or to beat yourself up about them.
By the way, did you that it was your female friend who contacted her ex and it was your husband's ex who contacted him? Have you noticed this tends to be a woman thing? For some reason men are better at keeping the past in the past. They don't like reminders cropping up from it. Notice how your husband nipped it in the bud and how your friend's ex didn't like it.
I don't know why but men just seem to have less obsessive thoughts and a lesser tendency to overanalyze things. The see as the past as the past and tend to like to leave it there. Women on the other hand seem to like to dredge it up and obsess on it and contemplate it and beat it to death, all the while it holds us bacl from movng forward.
It's something I'm still working on. Trying to learn to walk away with the lesson and then leave the rest where it belongs, behind me. It isn't easy. I still obsess on the past sometimes, but I've learned not to act on those thoughts.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over it. Nothing is worth all that. If anything negative comes of it you'll just deal with it and put that behind you too. :) Don't let it be a big deal; it isn't. Worst case scenario he emails you back and you tell him you were just curious but realize it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and wish him well. End of story no big deal.
I have not heard from him and doubt I will and so be it. He may not want to contact me or has nothing to say.
By the way, did you that it was your female friend who contacted her ex and it was your husband's ex who contacted him?
Yes, my friend contacted her ex up until last year after almost 5 years of marriage to a different guy! She would tell me stories of how she and her ex would talk and email one another during her engagement and first couple of years it was still taking place. Her husband knew about some of the contacting, but not all of it and she would openly talk about her ex infront of her husband to the point of it being uncomfortable for my husband and I.
My husband's ex contacted him as well, but just to make sure he was ok after 9/11.
Anyway, I always double and triple think my decisions and they are usually well-thought out and calculated...sigh...but for some reason, REASON did not win out in this situation. I have also updated my classmates profile just in case someone is wondering what I'm doing and how I am all they need to do is read the profile. :-)
I am done beating myself up over this. I'll chock it up to a bad decision and move forward. Thanks.
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