Whats up with this guy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Whats up with this guy??
4
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 4:36pm

About a monthish or so ago I met this guy from a good friend. I'm in college and he's in my home town (about 1hr and 30mins.) from each other. Things were going good. We hung out during my Easter break. He's a really sweet guy and we were really hitting things off in a good way or so I thought. He came to my school to visit me once and I came home for something and went and saw him as well. We were talking on the phone at least once a day. We were acting like good friends already and we both talked about there being more when I got home for summer. I got home from college for summer yesterday and we hung out. He told me that he can't be more than friends with me because in Dec. he is planning on going to the military. I was fine with that but I just wanted to make sure we would still be friends. And he even mentioned things that we had talked about doing together this summer and assured me that we would still be friends. After we talked about just being friends he started talking to me about some medical things that are going on with him, that he doesn't talk to anyone about because he doesnt 'like to talk about but he said he can with me. Then we watched a movie and he ended up cuddling (he initiated it) through the entire movie. I'm just really confused on a lot of things here 1. Why is he already thinking about Dec. I didn't know that guys think about things that far in advance. . . 2. What is he thinking?? 3. Should I let these things just continue to happen like this if we are goign to be "just friends" and 4. how do I talk to him about it??

Thanks for all your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 9:54am

Dear ashlelizabeth:

Your guy is telling you that he doesn't want a committed relationship because he's going away in December. However, all guys want sex, especially if they are attracted and like a woman, as your guy clearly does.

You cannot control him or change him. All you can do is understand your needs, your wants, and decide for yourself. In your shoes, I would tell him very clearly that a physical relationship without loving and emotionally supportive commitment is out. I would say that, because (for me) having tried FWB, didn't work for me. Sexual intimacy without emotional support and commitment made me feel used and resentful. So, I wouldn't go there.

Some women can handle it, but most feel emotionally deprived and their self-esteem kinda takes a nose dive.

This is a great board, and so is marsvenus. Come out there too--there's a ton of wisdom and advice from all kinds of women going through relationship failures and successes. Hope to see you there! beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 1:15pm
I just wanted to say that I had a similar scenario going on. I was seeing a man who's in the Navy for the last couple of months of last year and then he left on deployment in early January and will be gone until early July. I really liked him a lot and still do to a certain degree. At first he called more often and he would talk about things that we would do in the future when he got back etc etc. then the last couple of months he started to distance himself more emotionally and his reason was that he knew he was going to be gone a lot even after he got back for the next couple of years and trying to be realistic about things. He told me that he wanted to continue things but in a "different capacity" when he gets back. I'm deciding that I want a commited relationship and that I won't do a casual thing and will just remain friends with him without any physical. I'm still deciding if I even want to see him when he gets back. I probably will just to meet up for lunch or something and catch up and get some complete closure on this, but if I can't handle seeing him when he gets back then I won't see him period. I do want an emotional connection too and not just a physical. I guess my point to you is, you can decide if you can handle seeing him and cuddling with him because he told you point blank that he didn't want an emotional connection to you because he's leaving but it makes it harder to see that person and as women we develop that connection easier. It's totally up to you as to whether you can handle it but don't expect that he'll come around if you get emotionally attached. Hugs to you, I'm right there with you on this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 12:27pm

Dear Ashley and biochic:

Guys want sex, and there's nothing wrong with that! It's really up to us to decide how far to go. All my life, I felt like I was low-hanging fruit for guys. I think at some level I believed that the ONLY way they would like me or love me was if I "gave in" sexually. And, you know what? They didn't respect me, and I didn't respect myself!

So, now, I'm high up apple girl! I've come to subscribe to the view that men enjoy a challenge, they like to feel that they've earned our sexual gifts--in short, they need us to be a job! I don't expect a ring or marriage, but I do expect a guy to express interest in committing to a focused relationship with me to determine if we can succeed in the long haul. There's always risk, even then, that things won't work out. But there's so much MORE risk and PAIN in prematurely giving ourselves to men who only want sex and only for a short time until they are bored and ready for the next easy pickins.

Good luck, women! And do come out to the marsvenus board too--you've got great stuff to contribute to those discussions! beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 8:03pm

Hi Ashley,

I am actually through something similar to this except it has gone a step farther then this. I met my "friend" back in January and i knew that there wasnt gong to be any commintment from his part but I still decided to continue with out frienship...in other words we became FWB. We have a great time together and it was a lot of fun...I thought that i could handle it....but the truth is that we get attached...and thats what happened to me.....then out of no where he calls me and tells me that he has a girlfriend now some girl he just met and talked to maybe once or twice(even though he just spend the night before with me)....and well it just hits you, but then i realised that i concented to this...i said i was ok with it by being intimate with him and not havign any commintment from him...and now i really see that i sold my self short.....but i cant blame him for it....cause well like other post said guys want sex....and is sad to say it like that but is the truth. So today i decided to cut all ties with him...i cant continue to listen to him talk to his girlfriend when i am in the room beign that it has been less then a week ago that we were intimate.....

So i guess my advice is just to be careful and to know what kind of risk you might be running to.....be strong and say no if you dont want to be in pain....and i say this because i can tell by the tone of your email that you are a caring person....

good luck