What's in a title- FWB vs. BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
What's in a title- FWB vs. BF
15
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 3:57pm

I posted this in another spot but thought I could get additional advice here...

Hi all (i'm new here) but could use a bit of advice.

I've been seeing this guy for about ten months now (whoa- doesn't feel like that long). There have been lots of ups and downs but for the most part, I'm really happy and I love being around him. We do all the typical couple things- go out to eat, watch movies, rent videos, spend the nights. And I know he's not seeing anyone else because frankly, we're together so much he doesn't have time. However, he has an issue with being any relationship defined by traditional "girlfriend/boyfriend" standards because he says in the past he's lost interest when relationships are traditionally defined and he'd rather just spend all this time together and enjoy it rather than debate semantics. When I press him on the issue he'll say that we "have an understanding" but has never explicitly detailed what that understanding is. I guess I'm confused: Does this just mean we're FWB? I know he would be incredibly hurt if I ever went out with another guy and I would feel the same- when I do express my worries about other women being attracted to him he seems intrigued by their affection (too intrigued by my tastess) but ultimately tells me not to worry because they're not me.

It's a bit more complicated then this really because we started as FWB but it sort of evolved to its current state. I guess I'd like to know if anyone has experienced a similar situation so I can understand it a little better and evaluate. I'm totally into this guy and I don't want to end it, but I also feel like I want to be in a REAL relationship and I care too much about him to be jerked around.

Thanks for any insight!
A

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:16pm

<< Actually, what you describe is more of a "booty call" relationship...an FWB relationship DOES involve going out together (that's the "Friends" part). >>

True, true -- actually, I did have a FWB once upon a blue moon ago ... and most of the 'friends' part was in group stuff ... b/c we had a lot of mutual friends ... and we did go to movies and stuff ... but, it never felt like a 'date' ... it was more or less two friends going out to a movie together ... like it would have been with one of my girlfriends ... and yep, that is the 'friends' part. To that I do agree. Difference being ... if going to a movie on a date ... there'd be an offering to pay ... or take turns paying ... an "I'll go to the consession stand and get you a soda and some Junior Mints" ... a date would be going there together and not meeting up in front of the ticket stand. That sort of thing. And, most FWBs aren't that way in terms of going 'out' together.

Oh, on the other topic ... reason I asked "do you spend holidays together?" ... rather than saying "special occassions" ... is b/c a lot of FWBs will use special occassions as each other's 'de facto' date ... with my FWB, we went to a couple of weddings together ... (ie, "I need a date and you're my friend, so wanna come?") ... he went to my company's holiday party with me ... so, yes ... it did extend outside the bedroom (ie, not just booty call) ... heck, I even planned a HUGE 30th bday party for him ... but, none of those situations were ever really about 'dating' or being in public together as a 'couple.'

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:23pm

Yep, the going out usually is as friends, not "date-like", but I have heard of FWBs where the behavior is more date-like.

As I posted to the OP on the GT board, I think the main difference between an FWB relationship and a "BF/GF" relationship is *intention*. Does he have the intention that this *could* lead to a serious, committed LTR down the road, or is he content to keep things exactly where they are indefinitely and has no intention of moving to the so-called "next level"?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:25pm

<< And when he's mentioned the term in the past he'll say that I'm more than a FWB, but then, what's in between FWB but not at BF? What's that called?>>

That's called "in limbo" ... and that's indeed not a FUN place to be.

And, I do agree with Sheri ... that there are plenty of men who will keep a woman around as long as she's willing. They're the committment-phobes of the world! ha.

Based on your responses to those questions ... I'd have to agree ... it's not exactly a 'relationship' or where by 'typical' standards a relationship at 10 months would normally or ideally be.

So, the choice is up to you, of course: if he's not willing to take the next step and either a) fully explain to you what this 'understanding' of his is so that you can make a clear cut decision on it ... or b) take it to the 'official' level ... you'll have to decide how long you're willing to stay in limbo land?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:37pm

THanks everyone.

Reading all these different angles sort of puts things in perspective. I am in limbo! And that sucks. As for intention-- I *think* we're together with the idea that it can develop into something more real/formal, etc. but it just never seems to get there. For the time being, I'm going to concentrate more on making sure I'm happy (independently of him), talk to him about it (when I'm not so worked up and frustrated), and impose an artificial deadline after which if I still feel like this is going no where, I'll ship out. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:59pm

<< I think the main difference between an FWB relationship and a "BF/GF" relationship is *intention*. Does he have the intention that this *could* lead to a serious, committed LTR down the road, or is he content to keep things exactly where they are indefinitely and has no intention of moving to the so-called "next level"? >>

And, to that, I'd completely agree. I think this post actually ties in well with PG's "actions / words" post ... as I said in that post, it's important that we clearly understand a person's intentions and motivation. Only when a person's words and actions align can their intentions be understood and 'heard loud and clear.' Doing what one says they're going to do is and backing up those words with ACTION is the only way to know a person's intentions are genuine.

We can believe in the words ... but, despite the best of intentions (ie, b/c people do lie and mislead ... if the actions aren't there ... or the earnest desire to pursue those actions ... should we keep on believing the words?

All of us gals would be wise to recognize that .. there must also be a TIMEFRAME for what's allowed and acceptable in terms of actions and words ... if a man is speaking his intentions ... and even mildly following thru on those intentions (ie, because some men will 'toss us a bone' to keep us happy for awhile, ha! ... but, slide back into the old ways after awhile) ... but, his actions aren't well, TRULY catching up with those words ... it's up to US ... to decide how long we're willing to give it.

I'll use a very good friend of mine as an example ... she was with her bf for 3 years ... lived together, blah, blah ... he would always say he wanted to marry her ... to her family, his family ... he portrayed a future ... they moved into together not because she FORCED him ... but, because they both wanted to ... so, his words said "yes, I do want to marry you" ... and his actions showed that he was 'moving forward' ... and yes, they even started discussing dates/timeframes (without a formal engagement/proposal ... but, along the lines of "we'd like to be married by blah, blah date" .... So, fast forward ... did he ever marry her? NOPE! Was she left feeling devastated that this man she believed wanted to marry her wasn't willing to? YEP! Did she believe his words? YEP!

But, his words never caught up with his intentions. And honestly, probably never would have ... I still know him (same circle of friends) ... and he's had the same gf now for the last 5 years ... has he married her? NOPE! Perhaps this girl (whom I don't know well) is willing to stay in the relationship without marriage ... and that's fine, too ... if that's what both people want ... I don't know if he's said/done with her what he did with my friend ... but, my friend believed his words ... and the reality is, this is a guy who has no intentions on getting married ... and despite leading her to believe that he intended for it to lead to marriage ... never truly INTENDED to do that.

Sucks but ... there are also a lot of people who will show us their intentions and say the right words ... and yet still, never truly follow-through. Because there are plenty of people who will lie and mislead. Sad but true.

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