when is enough, enough????
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|Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:21am|
pls note that i wrote more than i intended, cuz i know some ppl don't like reading looooong messages, but pls bear with me till the end. i need ALL THE HELP that i can get. so thank you in advance.
been with bf for over 3 years. i love him, he's the best i ever had, we absolutely work together and are always happy and in love, and can't wait to share a future together since we share a lot of the same goals, etc. he was ready to settle down, start his career, and marry me after he finished grad school after being together for 2 years.
then life took a big fat detour and slammed in his face as soon as he graduated, bc he got diagnosed with a chronic illness. our future has been on hold for the past year.
i can be the doting, supportive gf. im always there for him, i cheer him up, i listen to him vent and be emotional and vulnerable, and everything. bc i love him. we know how to share and talk to each other. and i can understand what he's going thru, bc i've experienced this at an earlier age. i have a chronic illness too, but it's currently in remission. so, i understand, and know how to help him get through this.
the problem is that, he's a LOT MORE pessimistic than i am, always gets defeated when new health problems pop up to tear him down, gets physically unable to do what he wants to do sometimes, then gets emotionally unable to do anything else. and after i've done my part to be there for him, be patient and understanding, later when i'm alone and think about it, i realize that all of this is taking a big toll on me, and i honestly do not know how much more i can take!
i'm sorry. i'm saying it now in the safety of strangers. i'm not being heartless or selfish, bc i'm far from that for him. but i still need to take care of myself and what i had going in my life. i don't need anymore detours in my personal life. i've been thru my share of health problems, and while i still am relatively healthy, i realize i need to focus on my own life and get it going, career-wise and so on. i hate feeling like maybe i need someone else who can suit my life better now, while he needs someone else who knows how to be there for him better than i am, bc there are so many times he does not want to listen to anything i say and it frustrates me so much that i cannot help him! and i do not want that. i want stability and security again. my bf was once all that, but life is unpredictable and sh!tty like this right now, and i'm having doubts........ i hate doubts.
no matter what life throws at him, in fact, thinking back in our 3 years together, even before he was told he was sick, he always had the same defeatist attitude about his life. i would help him think otherwise, and he'd be happier when im around, but i fear he'll always be like this, i'll always have to sacrifice myself to make him happier, and i don't think i can do this for the rest of my life. and yet i love him, and cannot BEAR to hurt him even more by leaving him just bc i want something better for myself. now that'll come off selfish!! what if he really does/can be better? so, i don't know! when is enough, enough??? how do you know how to balance your own needs with his own????? or should i just cut my losses and go? shiet.
i'm so scared and worried and confused and torn and heartbroken that all this shiet is happening at once. my life problems mixed with his. i feel like we're both in the same boat at this time in our lives, but the tide is going in opposite directions, trying to tear us apart. and i don't know what to do.