when is enough, enough????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
when is enough, enough????
7
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:21am

pls note that i wrote more than i intended, cuz i know some ppl don't like reading looooong messages, but pls bear with me till the end. i need ALL THE HELP that i can get. so thank you in advance.

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been with bf for over 3 years. i love him, he's the best i ever had, we absolutely work together and are always happy and in love, and can't wait to share a future together since we share a lot of the same goals, etc. he was ready to settle down, start his career, and marry me after he finished grad school after being together for 2 years.

then life took a big fat detour and slammed in his face as soon as he graduated, bc he got diagnosed with a chronic illness. our future has been on hold for the past year.

i can be the doting, supportive gf. im always there for him, i cheer him up, i listen to him vent and be emotional and vulnerable, and everything. bc i love him. we know how to share and talk to each other. and i can understand what he's going thru, bc i've experienced this at an earlier age. i have a chronic illness too, but it's currently in remission. so, i understand, and know how to help him get through this.

the problem is that, he's a LOT MORE pessimistic than i am, always gets defeated when new health problems pop up to tear him down, gets physically unable to do what he wants to do sometimes, then gets emotionally unable to do anything else. and after i've done my part to be there for him, be patient and understanding, later when i'm alone and think about it, i realize that all of this is taking a big toll on me, and i honestly do not know how much more i can take!

i'm sorry. i'm saying it now in the safety of strangers. i'm not being heartless or selfish, bc i'm far from that for him. but i still need to take care of myself and what i had going in my life. i don't need anymore detours in my personal life. i've been thru my share of health problems, and while i still am relatively healthy, i realize i need to focus on my own life and get it going, career-wise and so on. i hate feeling like maybe i need someone else who can suit my life better now, while he needs someone else who knows how to be there for him better than i am, bc there are so many times he does not want to listen to anything i say and it frustrates me so much that i cannot help him! and i do not want that. i want stability and security again. my bf was once all that, but life is unpredictable and sh!tty like this right now, and i'm having doubts........ i hate doubts.

no matter what life throws at him, in fact, thinking back in our 3 years together, even before he was told he was sick, he always had the same defeatist attitude about his life. i would help him think otherwise, and he'd be happier when im around, but i fear he'll always be like this, i'll always have to sacrifice myself to make him happier, and i don't think i can do this for the rest of my life. and yet i love him, and cannot BEAR to hurt him even more by leaving him just bc i want something better for myself. now that'll come off selfish!! what if he really does/can be better? so, i don't know! when is enough, enough??? how do you know how to balance your own needs with his own????? or should i just cut my losses and go? shiet.

i'm so scared and worried and confused and torn and heartbroken that all this shiet is happening at once. my life problems mixed with his. i feel like we're both in the same boat at this time in our lives, but the tide is going in opposite directions, trying to tear us apart. and i don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:42am

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:16pm

I do not believe in sacrificing myself for my partner and sometimes even for my children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 3:51am

thanks, to the both of you, for replying.

im currently working on finding that my own needs are met while he finds his own. we've talked about how we've felt, with clear heads, to have a better understanding of each other, and it's looking better. he'll be less dependent on me, and more focused on what he needs to do to get his life back on track despite his circumstances, one step at a time. i can focus on myself as well. i'll try not to sacrifice myself too much anymore.... he understands.

basically, i'm still going to work this out with my bf tho. i understand 3 years is nothing compared to a commitment like marriage and kids, so i still have time. i still need to give him time to adjust to a new lifestyle bc of the problems involved with his illness.

but my question remains: how can you figure out when enough IS enough, tho? if i go back to feeling like i did when i wrote the first post, then would you call it quits then? that's what im afraid of. if i have doubts again. what keeps a person committed even without marriage (yet)? is it high hopes for a better future? am i being optimistic, despite it all? maybe the reason why i get confused and posted this, is bc even tho i see both of your points of view and SHOULD leave bc it was tearing me down, i also feel it in my heart that i DO have high hopes for us and our future together, that we can overcome these obstacles... that we'll both be stronger.

am i being crazy in love? lol......... hmm. when is enough, enough.....?




Edited 5/18/2010 4:00 am ET by emilyn85
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 8:11am

I don't blame you for being frustrated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 2:39pm
thanks so much! i'm going to repost my topic at that board to see what kind of help i can get.... =)
and no, it's not cancer, but thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 7:11pm

>>but my question remains: how can you figure out when enough IS enough, tho?<<

Enough is enough when you're sad/angry/frustrated more than you think you ought to be. But we have different tolerances. I read one poster who said that 80% good is acceptable. Personally, I wouldn't accept much lower than 95% good.

>>what keeps a person committed even without marriage (yet)? is it high hopes for a better future? <<

It's not about high hopes for a better future. And marriage doesn't give commitment. (have you seen divorce rates?) I've been defacto for nearly 20 years and have absolute commitment. A person stays committed because a relationship suits them. In our case, it's always been good and I expect it always will be. Yes, crises and trying times can happen, but my partner is so positive in nature that I'm sure he will remain a good partner even in times of crisis.

For what it's worth, my partner and I have an autistic child. Now, statistically, 80% of marriages breakdown because of the demands an autistic child puts on a relationship. However, we have not only survived....we've grown stronger in the face of adversity. This because we've got the right personalities to cope with the trying times as well as the easy times.

>>i also feel it in my heart that i DO have high hopes for us and our future together, that we can overcome these obstacles... that we'll both be stronger.<<

High hopes for the future aren't a good reason to stay. Potential so often isn't realised. You need to look at what you have now and figure out if you can continue living this way. And also be aware that he doesn't cope well when things go bad. What if things get better and you then find yourself walking in my shoes. Will he crumble again?




Edited 5/21/2010 7:14 pm ET by true.blue.strine
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 1:26am

The way I see if you even need to pose that question "when is enough, enough?" then it is time to take a time out to get centered on your own life, your own needs, what you want and to get away from the day-to-day needs of your bf.

Once you have that time ALONE and no contact from him for a month or two then you will have a clearer perspective on answering your own question.

Mark