When is enough enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
When is enough enough?
13
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:59am

If two people do love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

So I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 months now….the first month and a half was wonderful…we spent Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve together then about the second week into January he up and breaks up with me…completely unexpected. Basically he cares for me but he was hurt very badly by his ex and is having a very hard time getting over the heartache. I am trying really hard to understand this but as time goes on it gets harder and harder. So after the “break-up” we didn’t talk for about 4 days. That following Friday (exactly one week after) he came with me to a friend’s party. He stayed over and then things automatically went back to how they were before. He calls me EVERY night before he goes to sleep. He either emails. Texts or IM’s me through out the day…he tells me everything that’s going on in his life and his family and friends. He almost always tells me where he is and where he’s going and what’s he’s up to. Also the other night we were talking and he told me that even though we aren’t together it doesn’t mean that he is hooking up with other people because he’s not. He said he was just confused, not an a$$hole. He also told me that he wasn’t going anywhere. But the past few weekends have been bad (snow, illness) so we haven’t been able to get together. This past Saturday he cancelled on me once again and I got pissy…I had every right to be angry but I went out and had a few drinks and when I got home I thought he had gone out and messaged him and was like you went out? That’s nice, I thought you were tired….and of course he got mad (understandable). He said it was no big deal but now he seems to be pushing me away again. We didn’t speak at all on Sunday and Monday he said he would call me (after I messaged him) and he didn’t. Usually if he falls asleep and doesn’t call he’ll IM or email me to say sorry…so far I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if I should say something to him or just give him space and let him come to me. I’m not looking to get this guy to marry me or anything like that. I just want this “relationship” is between us to be given a chance and see where it leads us. I just really care about him and I don’t want to end all contact but I don’t know what to say to him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:12pm

Hi and welcome… There is nothing for you to say to him. Apparently he wants this on his terms and will force you to go through with it that way. I see to much work and effort being forced here to make something work that probably shouldn’t If he was so hurt (and who hasn’t been) but if he was hurt to the point he doesn’t know what to do then it is best for you to leave him alone. You may ask, why does he keep acting like before the break-up? Well that is really simple, sex and no commitment he can hang out with you from time to time and still not be tied down. His terms and so you will never be pleased because you have begun showing him no matter his actions it is ok with you. Decide now will you keep pining away for him to get it together or just say it was not meant and move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:30pm
i know it's not about sex, we haven't had sex since the "break-up" Besides, I don't know ANY guy that would call a girl every single day and tell her everything about his life is he was just looking for sex....and if it was about sex he wouldn't have been cancelling dates.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:49pm

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants...are you willing to take what he's willing to give you until he gets his act together (if he ever does)? The best thing to do for yourself would be to ask him not to contact you until he's ready to resume a relationship with you. You'll just continue to be hurt and frustrated otherwise.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:51pm
i have no problem taking whatever he can give now, that's not the problem. The problem we have is lack of communication. I'm not really sure what i want either, i'm not ready to settle down, get married and have kids...nowhere NEAR ready for that. i just like having him in my life and spending time with him. Despite the frustrations and complications what we have is pretty good. I just want to continue that. It's just that this is all new and just as confusing for me as it is for him and sometimes i don't know how to deal wiuth it all.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:23pm

Okayyy...then if that's the case, why don't you just continue? I'm sorry, I don't understand what the issue is exactly, if you're ok with things as they are.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:51pm
well, since i have not heard from him since our little "argument" and he didn't call me last night after he said he would and i'm feeling like he doesn't want to talk to me what i want to know is should i contact him or wait until he comes to me
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:55pm

Oh, ok, sorry...I thought that would have been obvious. If you're ok with whatever he's offering, you wait for him to contact you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 7:30pm
I say wait for him to contact you if you want to continue with him that is, and I do believe that there are some guys who go to great lengths just to be able to have a sex only r'ship with a woman. A lot will lie and tell you their life story just to get you to believe that they are opening up to you so you will sleep with them. Maybe I'm cynical but I do believe that this is true. Some won't waste their time deceiving women and have too good of a character to do something like that, but others will so you have to be careful in who you are dealing with. You have to realize when things are becoming more one-sided and you are giving too much so that you can either decide to call it quits or to let the other person know what you want and need from them to make the r'ship work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 4:42pm

In your first post, you said << Basically he cares for me but he was hurt very badly by his ex and is having a very hard time getting over the heartache. I am trying really hard to understand this but as time goes on it gets harder and harder.>>

Basically, he's not ready for another relationship. In that, he knows how much he is willing to offer, at this point; it's up to you know how much you're willing to accept.

What you're going to get from him, at this point, is "part-time boyfriend" status. Since he's getting over an ex, what "works for him" is part-time companionship, someone to pay attention to him, someone to pay attention to (when it suits him) ... basically, part-time status = on his time, terms, etc.

If that's ok with you, then ... know that what he's NOT going to be offering at this point is "full-time boyfriend" status (incl. prioritizing you in his life). If you can accept that and be ok with that, then ... there's no confusion. That is what it is ... it's having a part-time boyfriend (ie, someone who wont have a problem cancelling if something else comes up ... b/c what he doesn't want is to prioritize a RELATIONSHIP ... what he wants is a date or someone to hangout/hookup with when it works for him).

<< what i want to know is should i contact him or wait until he comes to me>>

By all means, he should contact you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 8:42am
it's just that i don't understand his behavior this past week. everything was fine until saturday night when he cancelled our 3rd date in a row. i got angry, i didn't yell at him or anything just he asked would i be mad if we rescheduled and i said yes then later on i had thought he went out and said so so he got angry at that but he said he wasn't anymore but things are different now. he's only called me twice all week, he used to call every night before he went to bed. he's not not speaking to me but he might as well not be. why the sudden change?

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