When he says "I promise that...
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| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:43pm |
So I've met a new guy recently. Met a week ago, we've hung out once so far. He's 27, I'm 24. He makes me feel good about myself - compliments me, pays attention to me, affectionate, etc. And he has a good job and is intelligent. Amazing! So here is my question for all of you....
He was getting ready to leave and after a little making out (no, I haven't slept with him) he looks at me and says "I'm really glad I got to see you, but a few things. First, I promise you I won't lie to you. I've done that in my past and it's become something I promised to myself that I wouldn't go down that road again." Ok, that raised my eyebrow a bit, but this is a good thing, right?
Second thing "But I don't promise that I won't hurt you...unless you break up with me of course. You know all those people that go around and say that 'I'll never hurt you..blah blah'" That really sucked the fun out of everything right there. This makes me nervous.
And lastly "If we start sleeping with each other then I wouldn't want you sleeping with anyone else because that's just something I don't do" Completely reasonable.
So when he says these things is this a good sign or a bad sign? I can't seem to make up my mind as to exactly what he's doing by saying these things to me. I'm definitely interested in him and he's the type of guy I've been looking for, but in no way do I want to persue anything with him if he's blatantly saying he's not interested or if he just wants to sleep with me, etc. Anyone have any ideas or similar situations? Please share!

I'd interpret it as a good thing..but only because I share the standard, philosophy and approach.
He's saying "once we start sleeping together we're going to be physically exclusive because that benefits us both physically in terms of disease." He's not stating that becoming sexually exclusive means there is an emotional bond or obligation.
He stating that he won't like to you and tell you what you want to hear, that gets him what he wants in the moment...only to retract it later when it's inconvenient. In short...if you bait him and manipulate him - you're very likely to be 'crushed".
Because he will not be telling you he loves you, likes you, wants a relationship "in order to get sex"...and then recind that post-sex at some point with "that's not what I mean".
he's simply telling you he's going to be true to his own value and standard of honesty...and so when you ask a queston such as "does this dress make me look fat" - depending on his tact and diplomacy......you'll either here no - and know it's the truth, or you'll hear "yes" and know that is the truth........or you will hear "do you really want an answer" - meaning he knows you probably will not like his answer, is not going to lie to you and is letting you know the answer is one you will not like, but od you want it anyway.
So if you in a passionate or drunken moment say "I love you" - he's nto going to say it back, unless he means it. If you give him a gift - he's not going to be thinking he HAS to give you one, etc. He'll do waht his standards, values, goals, and needs require of him......you'll handle it per your own values, standards, requirements.
The "I won't promise you I won't hurt you" - is simply him letting you know that him being honest about what he wants, thinks, feels, believes and where he's headedi n life - as in his previous relationships "hurt" his previous partners. As in when they manipulatively wheedled into ap osition of "where are we headed"......"how do you feel about me".....he's responded honestly and they got "hurt' - he didn't love them and wouldn't say it because it wasn't true, etc. etc etc.
So he's being very up front....this is someone who's word I'd say at this point you could trust. Are you going to like everything you hear....I doubt it. But that'd be true of any relationship in life anyway.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It's either a really good thing, or a really bad thing, IMO.
If he's being truthful...then I'd be delighted to hear those things from someone I was seeing and getting to know. He's absolutely right that he can't promise not to hurt you...he may not do so *intentionally* but he doesn't know how things will play out or whether you will be hurt by something he does.
If he's saying these things as part of a plan to manipulate and mislead you so you will fall for him and sleep with him, then obviously it's a really bad thing.
Until you spend more time with him, you won't know which it is. I'd suggest that you date him for at least a month more before sleeping together so you have time to observe his character and truthfulness. Do his words and actions match, over time? Then it's more likely he's being truthful with you. If there are inconsistencies, he could be trying to play you.
Sheri
Thank you both for the responses - it really helps to hear it from someone on the outside. I understand things a bit more clearly, I just got really nervous because I honestly have never had a guy tell me these things. I didn't know what to think!
It's still pretty early in all of this so I think my best bet is just enjoy the moment and to continue to get to know him. I just want to make sure he isn't trying to just sleep with me and that's why he said those things - I'm not looking for a FWB, but a real relationship (I'm going to hold off on sleeping with him). I always seem to have a hard time in the beginning wondering and analyzing to see if someone is really interested, but it's good to know that he won't drag me along but will let me know if it isn't going anywhere. (Hopefully that won't happen!)
Thanks again!
Sorry, I'm a little confused about you saying that it's good to know he won't drag you along but will let you know if it's not going anywhere. How do you know that at this point? You don't, IMO...all you know is what he SAYS. Time will tell whether he MEANS what he says or not.
Sheri
What I meant is that I'm hoping this means he will be honest and up front with me if he thinks things are not working between us. As opposed to staying with me for one reason or another, leaving me to think our relationship is going somewhere.
Does that make sense? It's just that my last relationship was like that...the guy realized he didn't have feelings for me, but instead of telling me and ending things, he kept coming around and acting like everything was fine. I eventually began to think something was wrong, asked him what the deal was and that's when he finally told me.
Obviously I don't know where anything will go with this new one - it's certainly too early to tell, but to think that he's being honest with me right from the beginning is a good start...or at least a good thought.
But that's just my point...you have no idea at this point if he's *really* being honest with you or if he's *pretending* to be honest in order to manipulate and deceive you.
I understand what you're hoping for (about him not leading you on); I would just caution you against thinking that he IS being honest until you know him better.
Sheri
the guy realized he didn't have feelings for me, but instead of telling me and ending things, he kept coming around and acting like everything was fine. I eventually began to think something was wrong, asked him what the deal was and that's when he finally told me.
The above probably happens to you alot - and you're the common denominator in every relationship, situation, and circumstance in your life....so you're the source of the problem - that's good news, that makes you the solution.
What you're saying above is that that you wanted a relationship of emotional bond, physical exclusivity and commitment on both your parts to the well being/best interests of each other as individuals. That's not a feeling.......it's a fact.
You then say "when he didn't have feelings for me he didn't tell me". Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. He did have feelings for you - every situation and exchange has the potential to create "feelings". What you mean is that he didn't tell you he didn't want a relationship of commitment........and you're interpreting that from the "he didn't develop feelings after having sex/fun/dating me and he didn't tell me'. No, he never wanted a relationship........had nothing to do with you...and he was enjoying everything in the moment it transpired but not projecting it into the future.
Finally, after you reading into his every word and action what you thought he meant......he kept doing or saying things that nothing you could twist it into would give you the messageyou wanted to hear. So you then had to "ask"......are we in a committed relationship, are we working towards a future?
HE said no.
This guy you're dealing with now has been victimized by scripted manipulation. Which is basically the girls he's been with have told him what they thought he wanted to hear, and done what they thought he wanted to do........to get him to "want a future with them"....and he didn't.
He's saying he didn't believe he needed to tell them what he was NOT doing or not after (rational deduction).........but he's learned thru scripted manipulation that people begin to "feel" vs. think - that they're "owed" loyalty and consideration, compromise and commitment over a period of interaction and when it involves certain elements - such as sex, or meeting family.
So what he is saying is that he is not going to tell you waht he's NOT doing.....imagine if you will someone walking thru the living room going "I'm not going to turn on a light, I"m not going to answer the phone, I'm not going to find the remote, I'm not going to watch TV, I'm not going to look for a book, but I am just passing thru to get to the kitchen".
Nobody in real life does that - communicates regarding what they don't want or aren't doing...unless they're specifically asked.
He's telling you don't do what you always do...whichi s project and assume into his words, actions, or decisions what you want to hear - based on your wants and needs and desires.....only to at some point be forced to communicate honestly, and then find out you two were never headed in the same direction.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com