When to meet children, and other ?s...
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| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 10:44pm |
Any advice would be very helpful on this topic, especially from someone who has been in the same position...
I have been dating "C" for the last five months. We both have toddlers. "C" has only met my daughter twice (she's two), and for short periods of time. He is introduced as a friend and we show no affection in front of her. I prefer things this way. I still have yet to meet C's son (who's 1 1/2). It is obvious that he is still not comfortable with having me around him. I respect his decision. I am just confused on how much time will pass before he does feel comfortable having me meet his son. How much time is too long? It is hard not seeing the child he talks so often about...even for a quick hello, but at the same time I don't want to rush things that he may not feel comfortable with. However, in a way, me not being introduced to his son seems like he's not sure how he feels about our relationship. There are probably many factors to this, but like I said, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

>>However, in a way, me not being introduced to his son seems like he's not sure how he feels about our relationship<<
When I was half way through your post, I was thinking "he should introduce you when he's absolutely sure that he sees a future with you". And then you echoed my sentiments. I'm not sure that I can add anything else.....
More along the lines of this, I would ask does he have custody of the child. If the child lives with the mom, then you have to worry about him having to explain to her and how she will react to it. Some ex’s aren’t ready for them to move on and will hold the child because he has begun dating. Also, if he has limited time with the child should also be thought about. If he gets him 3 times a week then that is bonding time no time for bringing someone new in the picture. How long has him and the child’s mother been apart, also plays a part in it. Divorce, separation, etc.. Is extremely hard on children and he may still need to help him through. I say this because my son’s father and I have been apart for almost 5 yrs and sometimes my son still has a hard time with the fact we are no longer together. I would say ask him about it.
Marie
HEre's the thing - having your children meet your dates and children can tell the dynamic interactive difference between people you date and socialize with.......makes them the "meeasuring stick, gauge, and green light" -or "makes them the adult".
Your job as a parent is to ensure that the people who you choose to parent your child in the next committed relationship you have - are of stellar quality and character, caliber, and trustworthiness.
It's not how you feel about how they make you feel - that determines if they would be entrusted with your child. It's what you believe, nto assume or think?, about thier character, their values.
So carefully reviewing this person's life and lifestyle over a protracted period of time, having lots of unstructured interaction to allow the values htey hold to be known to you via the actions, decisions, and words that aren't rehearsed and intended to please and impress you....is what you use to determine if your child should be around this person.
Because the more the child and the date are interacting as equals - the more untrue the picture is of what is to come. The child knows if they object - this guy/gal is outta here. The guy/gal knows that too. There's lots of perks, benefits, and treats as a result of this person trying to please the child, and present a "good family atmosphere" so that things can progress.
And at the point the adult now has supervisory authority and control - you've created world war III. Because the child wasn't agreeing to this person telling them waht to do, or obeying them...they were agreeing to have this person in becuase it meant more movies, late night TV, and ice cream.
So ideally, you would date for a couple of years - not to see "how the kids and him get along" - but to ensure that he's someone you entrust to parent, nurture, guide, and influence and discipline your children because you know his character and his values.
Then introduce them - in the capacity he's going to hold - as a figure of authority over them.
HE's not doing that.....because he has no intention of somenoe he doesn't know well at the character level being involved with his child.
And he doesn't want the child having the impression that the child is the adult - and in charge of his dating life and adult relationships. That this child is trusting him with the environment in which he's raised which is how it should be...and he's not violating that trust, or eliminating the child from personal growth, awareness, and expansion - by violating his own standards.
Besides, if you're not dated in the beginning - you won't be. You're talking about two children that if in two years they met BECAUSE YOU TWO WERE COMMITTED AND READY TO MAKE IT LEGAL.......you'd have at home a child or two for at least 15-16 years.
You'd have little time to spend together "dating"- with combined responsibilities and obligations and needs.
If yo're not dated now - you won't be.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com