where do I go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
where do I go from here?
5
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:49pm

Hi, everybody,

I need your advice on this one??? Been in a relationship since november. He has travels alot with his job but kept in touch with me constantly durning layovers, calling me at work, lunch , before I went home and later on that night. We talked on the phone for a month and didn't meet until Christmas Day. Durning his last layover which was at the end of January, we spent time together and really had a good time. He left on Saturday morning and everything was fine said he would call but he didn't so I didn't think anything of it. Then, there was no call on Sunday so I called Monday to see if everything was allright and then he cope an attitude telling me that he didn't have to call everyday but he still loves me. From that time on (early part of February) he has become distance, if we speak I will initiate the call and we may speak barely 2-5 minutes and he will rush me off the phone and say he will call me back later which he doesn't and had gotten to the point he wouldn't even say where his layovers were (which wasn't a problem before). He say that I haven't done anything wrong. I don't understand why he has taken this 360 degree turn. I don't ask him for anything. If he doesn't want to be bothered, why does he answer the phone when I call. Lately, I just have not been calling him because he always gives me the I gotta go line and call you back later. If anyone was going to do the calling it would be him. So on Thursday, he called four times and I didn't answer the calls and he left a message stating I was being immature. then, he call that morning telling me where he was and he would call later on that night, which he didn't and I didn't sweat it. So, on that Saturday he called and we were both civil during the conversation and I didn't even bring up why he didn't call. He hardly didn't say much in the conversation except he was listening to me. We spoke yesterday and I asked up front, what was wrong with us....he stated he was "waiting for the dust to settle" (whatever the heck that means)and that he was not seeing anyone nor was anyone interested in him either and he ask me vice-versa. So I asked how long was it going to take the dust to settle... 6 months ...he said no and that we would be O.K. I have tried to the bigger in this to see what's wrong.
At the beginning of the relationship, he was so attentive..my brother even stated to me that I had a "high-maintanace man". But now, he is so distance, I no clue.Then, he called this past Saturday night acting as if nothing was wrong and explained that he was having some family issues with his brother and was trying to help out. We were both civil during the conversation and we started talking about our relationship. I told him I knew something was wrong so I gave him his space. He stated that I was running from the relationship because when has a layover, I never invited him over to spend time with me and my children. But I feel unless I am fully committed in relationship, I try not to let anyone be involved with my children.(Sorry, call me an overprotective Mom-). But I put the cards on the table and told him upfront, what did he want a relationship or just be friends? I said we were both adults so there was no need to play games. Then he stated he wanted a realtionshipbut by his actions there is always confusion.Lately,I've been good about not calling letting him make the first move. Should I try to hang in there or venture out? Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

Sherri2006

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 4:25pm

You haven't seen him since the end of January, is that correct? And you didn't actually MEET in person until the end of December?

I guess I'm just not sure what about this situation makes this an ongoing relationship in your mind?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:14pm

Call me a cynic, but it doesn't sound like you know this guy well enough to know if you can trust him or not. You've only met him in person a few times. You've never seen where he lives, or met any of his friends or family. It sounds like you barely speak to him these days. He did call you a lot in the beginning, but it sounds like a lot of what he was doing was to go out of his way to impress you and win you over, how do you know he also wasn't trying really hard to impress you and win you over by telling you what you'd want to hear rather than tellling you the truth? I don't know if I'd believe him when he claims there's no other woman in his life.

If he never wants to speak on the phone, but he wants the relationship to continue, then it sounds like he just wants to have a woman available to hook up with when he is in your area, and he may just be doing the bare minimum of what he needs to do so that you will be available to meet him when he is in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 8:02pm

Hate to say it, but ... sounds like he could he be married or otherwise involved.

Your relationship is long distance ... layovers only. Has he made any effort to come see you when it does NOT have to do with a layover? (other than your first meeting)

Have you met in person other than those two times? If not, realize that you're going on 6 months of knowing this guy ... yet, you don't really KNOW him at all, kwim?

Basically, it's my take that relationships that START long distance ... have very little chance of going the distance. Very difficult to get things off the ground. Because, you have NO interaction in each other's daily lives, social life, etc. Pretty hard to get to know a person that way.

LDRs are difficult, no matter what. Those that started off as normal relationships and transititioned into LDRs, at least those couples had a foundation of knowing each other, and being involved in each other's lives, before the distance.

Trying to build a relationship this way would be extremely difficult. I'm sorry to say it, but it doesn't sound like you have much going here to "hang in there" for.

As for << he stated he was "waiting for the dust to settle" (whatever the heck that means)and that he was not seeing anyone nor was anyone interested in him either and he ask me vice-versa. >>

Dust to settle? Could he have a pending divorce on his hands, perhaps???

Truly, how could you know? Consider these things:
-- You don't know where he lives ...
-- Have only seen him on your turf ...
-- He sees you on layovers?
-- Short phone calls, barely anything to say, rushes you off the phone (does he sound like he's talking to you like you're a stranger or someone he barely knows? if so, could be because someone else is there!)
-- Uused to keep in touch constantly during his layovers but now barely calls (could it be that someone ... a wife, GF is suspicious of him so he's curtailed his calls ... in case she's looking at his phone??)
-- You asked << If he doesn't want to be bothered, why does he answer the phone when I call. >> ... well, I had a guy friend with a very jealous GF ... I remember being at a restaurant with them once, his phone was on the table ... it rang ... he didn't answer ... she was like "why didn't you answer your phone?" (in a sort of pissy way) ... I looked at him like "huh?" ... he later said to me "she's weird about that, it's like if I don't answer it ... she thinks I'm hiding something" (can we say TRUST issues? ... needless to say, my friend isn't with her anymore ... seriously, messed up ... considering he was NOT cheating on her ... but, she was paranoid of any girl who even looked his way) ... anyway, that's just ONE thought on why he answers ... so, my question would be again ... when he DOES answer ... is he short-answered, almost "stranger like" with you? If so, he's probably got someone there who's hearing the call ... but, he doesn't want to NOT answer it because that will look suspicious.

-- << He stated that I was running from the relationship because when has a layover, I never invited him over to spend time with me and my children. >>

Huh? No, I think you are SMART for not introducing your kids to a man you yourself don't know that well yet. But, that sort of projection is another thing that men who are cheating will pull over on the person they're with. Trying to take the blame OFF themselves and onto you. Call it manipulation 'cause that's what it is.

Has he ever invited YOU to his place? Do you have his address, home phone number?

Lastly, have you consider running a background check via the Internet? Something doesn't sound right here, if you ask me. If he's married, you'll find a marriage recorded listed. But, even if he's not married and involved with someone else in his "hometown" ... why not cut to the chase and ask him when you can come visit him?
If he says "no" ... sorry, but that's a big sign.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 4:58pm

Hi, starbuck70,

Thank you for answering my post. You really made some "valid" points. Recently, he called this past Saturday night and I voiced some of my opinions about what was going on with us. I told him that what did he actually want with me? If he wanted the realtionship to work, fine if he wanted us to be friends, fine but I needed to know. I told him that i was tired of waiting and I deserved to be treated better than the way he was treating me. As a matter of fact, I told "He had a diamond but he was treating it like a rhinestone". Then, he stated he got quiet...so my reply was that I couldn't wait so the ball is in his court. This past Tuesday, he called 3 times to see what I was doing . Then last night, he called 3 times(each call wss 5 minutes apart)but I didn't answer the call and called him back about an hour, later. Of course, it was the typical.... where were you, how was your day, how are the kids yada - yada. We spoke about how and what each one of us wanted our this relationship. Also, he has inquire about moving here because the commute will be easier. I told him it's been two months since we seen each othr. He stated that everything would be on a regularly basis. (It used to be he wouldn't tell me where his layovers were, so last night he informed me where he would be tonight and ask me to call when I got home which I have no intentions of doing). I feel if that all moves will be on him. Basically, I'm taking him one day at a time and I am going to start doing things I have been wanting to do..with him or without him. But, I'm going to ask him "When can I visit him?' Just to see his reaction!! I never look at it that way. So, post me back with your input on this.

Thanks,

Sherri2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:53pm

<< Also, he has inquire about moving here because the commute will be easier. I told him it's been two months since we seen each othr. >>

Honestly, you haven't had enough time or interaction in each other's lives to even ENTERTAIN thoughts of anybody moving. Even his bringing it up is suspect to me. Rather, I should say ... it seems rather instable to even consider such a thing at this point.

<< He stated that everything would be on a regularly basis. (It used to be he wouldn't tell me where his layovers were, so last night he informed me where he would be tonight and ask me to call when I got home which I have no intentions of doing). I feel if that all moves will be on him. >>

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? If he asks you to call, why not just call? Being stubborn doesn't get people very far. But, if you have no intentions of calling him ... at the very least, let him know that you'd like for him to take more initiative and your expectations are that things will be reciprocal. If he calls you, answer the gosh-darn phone! (unless you are genuinely busy ... but, don't do the "i'm not answering" thing just to prove a point). Relationships can't flourish when one or either person is hung up on proving points or making points or assigning blame or pointing fingers or any of that.

<< But, I'm going to ask him "When can I visit him?' Just to see his reaction!! I never look at it that way. So, post me back with your input on this. >>

Previous advice still stands. I think it would be smart to ask him when you could come see him ... however, not just to see his reaction! To actually do so! So you can have more involvement in each other's lives. That's the only way you'll have any chance at a relationship. The point I was trying to make in my other post was that ... if he refuses a visit to his town ... then, that could be sign. But, if he accepts ... you full well SHOULD be willing to go visit.