Where does it end-help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Where does it end-help
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 7:30pm
Ok-any advice on this "relationship" will help. Here goes- I am 40 something single mom who has had an one again off again relationship with my daughter's father for nearly 18 years, all of her life. We have both been in other long-term relationships; I was never married to him but was married to another guy and I
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:29am
It is a convenience,IMHO and just a rebound.You both have learned a pattern which is not healthy and needs to be broken.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:13pm

I worry for your daughter because she is not going to know what a healthy relationship looks like if it stepped on her foot. In fact, I bet she'll even choose unhealthy relationships because that is all she has ever known. It happens all the time despite our efforts not to do what our parents did. I did it too.

This guy is just using you as a convenience. You always come back to him when he wants it, so why would he not stop? You are accessible. If it were ever meant to be then it would have worked out in the first place, but it did not, so I would really try hard to see it for what it is: Convenience and familiarity.

Don't lower yourself to pick someone whose feelings don't match yours. That's how you sell yourself short.

"Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngleis is a great book about love, myths, your patterns, how to get out of them, etc. I hope you get a copy of it, and your daughter could read it too since she's probably already dating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:43pm

I think I would sincerely question HIS values if he was constantly flirting with you while he was with someone ELSE!

That does NOT sound like any sort of relationship-security to me. Honestly, you should take some time for YOU - to be SINGLE and do SINGLE girl things.

How about NOT being in a relationship at ALL for a while? Work on yourself and be alone for a time. Get settled and happy into who you are yourself :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 10:37am

Coming back together doesn't mean anything other than that you've never taken the necessary steps to exorcise him out of your love/sex life for good. It doesn't mean that it's meant to be or that you'll end up happily ever after together.

You say the reason you've broken up with him in the past is that he's never been faithful. He still hasn't grown into an honest, faithful guy as evidenced by the fact that he was cheating on his last girlfriend. If you continue to be involved with him, you're headed toward more of the same thing.

For his part, he likes the convenience of having you around between girlfriends but isn't interested in any type of committed relationship. Sleeping with him isn't a good idea for you if it leads you toward developing feelings for him.

You may want to consider seeing a therapist to figure out why you are still going through this same cycle with him after 18 long years and how you can put a stop to it.