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| Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:17am |
I had an earlier post on here title "Moving On", where I talked about breaking up with my BF of 3.5 years. I just wanted to follow up, and I'm looking for some advice and thoughts. Pardon me if I ramble on, but I tend to dwell on things.
As the weeks pass I find myself feelings better and better. I haven't reached that point where I've started to spend a crap load on myself, I'm just relaxing, spending my weekends quietly at home in my comfort zone. I have come to find who are truely my friends out of all of this and who are not. I'm starting to see and talk to different men, and have realized that all of my dreams and wants out of a RL arent so crazy after all. It's nice to know that you can stay in on a weekend, feel good about it, and not feel like your a looser since you didn't go out drinking or to the club. It just goes to show that I feel like I'm going in the right direction.
I'm thinking about my ex less and less, the thought of seeing him, contacting him in anyway is a no-no, and I know in time that will all go away. Trying to build up my self-confidence is taking some time, but I'll get there. I'm trying to focus on doing stuff for myself, worrying about myself, and taking care of the things in my life that matter most.
There's a lot of questions in my head as far as what do men go through after a breakup and why they do the things they do. I know my ex pretty well, I know his background and his problems and the reason why he does certain things. I'm just trying to understand things to learn from them.
I've been told that men go through this period of "being wild and free", doing whatever whenever and whomever to forget and push aside their feelings. Then they come to a period months down the road where something hits them like a tons of bricks, like an anniversary, a birthday, or just at random. Then they start to really miss that person that they lost, they feel that hurt and pain that women feel at the beginning of the breakup, and somewhere along the line they contact their ex in hopes to see or hear from that person they missed so much. Looking back at all of this and knowing the person he truely is, I really valued his friendship. I know right now there needs to be silence, space and time between us, but I guess if we are meant to be anything, then it will happen.
I guess the question I'm trying to figure out is if he tries to contact me down the road, what do I say, do, etc. If he doesn't contact him after a certain amount of time, should I contact him, what should I say, etc. Is there truely a timeframe in all of this. I think it really all depends on the when and where I am in my life at that time. I know that their are limits and boundaries that need to be dicussed too. I am buying a house on my own around the end of the year, and he is a realtor...he said to me that if you want to use me you can if not that's fine too, he left it in my lap. I would like to use him as my realtor, but that's going to be almost a year from now. Does anyone think it's a good idea on that?
I don't hate him anymore, and I don't have any resentment towards him, it just didn't work and that we are 2 different people at 2 different places in our lives. I tried to end things as peacefully as I could, and one of the last things I told him was that I don't want to be angry or mad at each other, he noded his head, but how much of that got through I don't know. He says I've done more for him than anyone he's known, and that he loved me. Should I just let things go completely and move on like he wasn't even in my life, or should I just focus on myself and move on, or should I have no contact with him, and let him contact me and see where it goes from there? Note that I'm not looking to get back with him ever, but if there's the chance of being friends I would like that.
Any thoughts and/or advice would be appreciated.

You're spending an awful lot of time trying to figure out what he's thinking, feeling, wanting, and considering...and none of that is in your best interests.
Get your life in order, get on with creating a more fulfilling and successful life by your definitions and efforts.
IF there is any commonality at the core between you and he wants to be friends - he'll contact you. If you opt to contact him in an attempt to be friends - his response won't be what makes that "wrong or right" to do.
But just get on with your life. According ot you - you're two different people at two different places in your lives at this time.
Let that fact dictate your actions, pursuits, involvements, and thoughts.......don't let yourself become consumed with trying to change that fact.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think you're thinking WAY too much about this at this point. Focus on NOW and let the future take care of itself...if the two of you are meant to be friends, it'll happen. You can't make a valid decision NOW about how you'll feel a year from now...maybe you'll be ready to be friends, maybe you won't.
And you also can't really make a decision about how to react if he calls you, because you don't know when that will be or how you will feel then. Best to focus on your OWN boundaries (what would you need from him to start again if that's something he wants, for example), and if he does contact you, use those decisions to guide your response.
As far as contacting him, I wouldn't until you're ready to be friends (and who knows when that will be...there's no specific time frame, although as a general rule, the longer the r'ship, the longer the recovery period). The test...imagine that he starts telling you about this great new woman he's met and is involved with. If you can imagine being totally happy for him, then you're ready to be friends. If not, it's too soon.
Sheri
From my recent experience with my ex (who i was with for 4 years), I felt the exact same way you did. I felt we just weren't right for eachother-different places in our lives. I wanted to be friends and well, he just couldn't. So I respected that. Then thought after about 4 or 5 months, it might be okay to contact him to see how he is. Big mistake! Didn't go well and I really didn't expect him to still be hung up on me.
So my advice- move on. Don't think about "if he contacts me" or if you can use him as a realtor a year from now. I'd say that if he contacts you and still has feelings for you, deal with that if it happens.
If he contacts you and wants to be friends and you feel you can do that, then great! But again, deal with that if it happens.
Using him as a realtor. Probably not a great idea. Even if you two were still together, probably not a great idea to mix personal with business. And now that he's your ex, you don't want to send him mixed signals. Maybe it won't be until a year from now, but if you haven't heard from him before then, then you definitely shouldn't contact him because for all you know he is still in love with you and will interpret any contact in a very different way that you intend. YOu may like the idea of friendship, but again, be fair to him and expect that he may see things quite differently.
It sounds like you're healing well and taking good care of yourself. In a few months, you may be very well past him and have completely moved on. So concentrate on the here and now and keep treating yourself well.