Which actions speak louder than words?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Which actions speak louder than words?
6
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 11:04pm

I met Dan (43 yo, I'm 38)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 8:01am

Whoa, Nelly, time to slow down.

You've only known this guy for six weeks, yet you seem to have lived a lifetime with him. Kids, parents...already?

A few things I see: why are you logging on the site to check on him? Clearly there is a trust issue, and to me that is because something is nagging at you. If he is in love with you, why isn't he off the site completely? Why aren't you off the site completely?

I've been seeing someone for about the same length of time, maybe a little longer. He immediately stopped logging in, and I know that because I was still seeing other people at the beginning because I wasn't sure about him yet. But I noticed after about three weeks that he hadn't logged on for two weeks. Then I noticed he was gone from the site, not just hidden. I didn't have this discussion with him, he just did it.

We have not made any declarations of love, he hasn't met my kids, I haven't met his. We're still getting to know each other.

My last BF came on really strong, too, not making declarations of love, but getting mighty close. Then he pulled waayyyyy back, like none of the previous couple of months even happened. My emotions went through the wringer and it took a long time to get over it.

My advice is to slow down, make him take the lead as to where his intentions lie. I wouldn't keep checking on him, but I would suggest you ask him if he is still seeing other people, especially if you are sleeping together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 9:41am

It's only been six weeks, so I understand your feelings and frustratation. Honestly, I would pull back from this and not put so much hope and energy into the relationship until things have progressed more. Let him do the walking, talking, and planning, and you sit back and see what happens. Give it a few months and see what happens on that.

Since you said he told you he wanted to pull his profile, but wondering if he has or hasn't, just kindly ask him again. Say "he remember when we talked about....well I was wondering what was going on with that. You definately have trust issues, and that's understandable.

I've been there myself when I've dated guys from online, some I dated for a while and still had there profile. It's possible he's checking it because it's sending him matches, or girls are sending him winks, and he's just looking. But at 6 weeks, he's still keeping his options open, regardless of what he's saying to you. But if it were 3-6 months, then you have every right to bitch and complain.

I met my husband online, and he was the last guy I dated off of there. He pulled his profile mainly because he had a 30 day trial. I had mine hidden, and then eventually after about 3 months, I wiped it clean and deleted it all together. I did check the site again to see if his profile was there, and it wasn't...and I didn't think twice about it.

One last thing to remember, it's highly unlikely that he's going to continue to talk to girls on the site while he's profile is still hidden, regardless if they are on a favorite list or not. If you think about it, that's just silly to try and hide anything that way. Check things again in a few more weeks, to see if things have changed. If he wants to commit to you, he'll wipe that thing clean...or totally forget about it. Remember he's not your husband, but you also need to keep your guard up still. Let him make more of a commitment to you, but back off for a while putting in all the extra energy and time, and let him work for it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 12:40am

Oh, goodness, you guys are going WAY, way too fast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 8:00am

Thank you for your advice so far. I needed objective opinions because all my family and friends just want me to be happy. I believe they act like the amen choir on anything I say, which isn't helpful in the long run.

I agree that I have trust issues that need to be resolved with or without a relationship. I also agree that this has been an express train ride for me, and I need to slow things down. I think I'm going to try and just let him lead things and see what happens. Things will be a lot more obvious when he stops traveling for business next week. It will be interesting to see what the dynamic is like when he's only 40 minutes away instead of 2 states away.

Once again, thank you for all your advice and please keep it coming. It really does help to hear an outsider's opinion on the matter.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 11:31pm

I would urge you to rethink the "let him lead" idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 11:28pm
it might be a good time to have a discussion about expectations - what are the behaviors and gestures that are associated with being a bf/gf - and then you can see how your values line up.